Relationship I'm Really Having A Breakdown

[Glara]

I know @Lizio I am tied in a negative way. I realize that. I need someone to talk to. I couldn't agree more. I used to have friends and resources but it seems like everything is falling apart all at once and I can't figure out how to fix it. There is nobody I my life right now. There's no friend to call that wil take the time to listen except the one out of state who's daughter died. She's been the most supportive but she has much more to deal with and I can't put that much on her. And I can't just go out with her. I have no way to focus and redirect my thoughts.

 

[Glara]

@joeylittle thank you so much for the links, especially the 7 cups of tea. Local support groups concern me because chances are there'll be clients from my work in them. I still need actual friends but until I have some new ones at least maybe I can actually talk to someone. Thanks again.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Keep talking on here, it's a start. Keep trying to contact the counsellor and you have suggestions on here for joining ANY group. Are there study options? Night classes, gymns. Pilates. You are depressed and you need to find something. I know I am in exactly the same situation (except my kids have not flown) I come on here lots because there is no-one to talk to, but it helps here. I've joined a choir the other week. OH MY GOD, I wanted to run out of there (only couldn't was sandwiched between others). How I wished I had organised for a text message to kids so they phone me back with some emergency and I had to leave. Had to sit and try and sing and be clueless for the whole session. But am going back this Tuesday, I know it will be excruciatingly terrifying but actually the ladies were nice, but they are never going to offer me that kind of support I need.

Finding friends is hard, keeping busy and finding stuff to do helps. The counselling will help you with a lot of these things you need to talk about and here but unless they are really close friends, all this stuff about his suicide and things is really hard for others to deal with and support.

Keep pushing for the counselling. I know the church thing. It is all church here and I am not religious. Makes things very hard.

 

[nursenurse]

While no one can discount a good face to face with a good friend, I think you may have moved beyond what a friend can really do. I have been following your posts for quite awhile now, and have stopped commenting because I think you see what you want to see, and I think you are in denial of what is happening. We have all watched you struggle so hard, and we are with you with the heart breaks, truly we are. We have all been there at some point in time.

The reality, in my eyes, is that this man is not ready for a relationship, maybe never was, maybe never will be. He is working on himself, but that does not guarantee anything for you two as a couple. You are suffering so much, this is not uplifting the way a mutually satisfying relationship should be. You are losing yourself mentally and physically by your own words, and you are the only one who can put a halt to that. What he is going through is nothing compared to what you are going through. I say that because everyone suffers in their own way, in a manner unique to themselves and therefore uncomparable.

You have been given such solid advice from previous posters in this thread. Please, for your own sake, take heed and do whatever it takes to heal yourself. You are worth so much more than to be reduced to a broken soul by a situation that is untenable.

In spite of the bluntness, I want you to understand that I am in your corner, we all are. I sincerely hope that you find the help that you need, and that for now, you put yourself and your own well being as your number one priority. @Lizio has some good suggestions, and you never know the friendships you might make by joining some new activities. Good luck Glara, I know you can do this. I know how hard it is. But there are joys to be found in the future.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes exactly what @nursenurse wrote.

Your daughter has flown the nest but she still needs you and maybe one day grand children. Now is very hard it is transition. The man you are describing is stopping you from that transition. It is hard enough without all he has been doing. He is getting help, he is in hospital. Leave it to them and put all your focus on you. Think of your daughter.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: @Glara - You are really wise to know that your pain isn't all about him, but the lack of a wider support network - something everyone could benefit from and needs.

Talk to your insurance company. If the one in-network provider is not working out, they should have ways to cover others as out of network or single case agreements.

NAMI support groups are actually a great way to connect to people. One of my best friends in life I met at a NAMI support group.

Another option is meetup.com. Going to meetup groups helped me meet new friends and build a wider support network over time. I especially liked the meet up groups where we would volunteer for a cause together, because then there was an outside focus and it was easier to talk to people and get to know them.

Another option - talk to your primary care doctor. You sound like you may be fighting some depression. There could be a myriad of factors playing a role into feeling how you are feeling like thyroid levels and etc. I went through a season of really awful despair and I thought it was all about my life circumstances. It was partly about that, and it turned out I had a severe vitamin D deficiency. My doc put me on vitamin D and I was still sad, but I had so much more ability to deal with what was making me so down. Maybe it's time to have your doc do a full work up or consider medication until other supports works out.

Hang in there :hug:

 

[Glara]

Thanks @Justmehere. I actually looked for meetup.com groups by there are none in my local area. I did go to great academy for kickboxing, Jiu Jitsu and cross training for about 3 years, but I left to join the gym because the school was very expensive. Most of the people were much younger than me, as are the people in my gym. Most people my age are with their husbands.

As for the work up, I do take vitamin D supplements for that reason. I've always suffered from seasonal depression. I am on hormone replacement for menopause and just got the name of an endocrinologist, because my hormones are still out of whack. I have been having blood work ups due my BP and heart rate.

My town used to have a great recreation program with lots of classes. I had taken one that I enjoyed. I had planned to take more but when the economy crashed, so did the rec program. When I say I've looked into everything I can think of, I'm not kidding.

I am hurt that my one friend doesn't bother with since her room mate moved in. For over 20 years I listened to her when she had problems and now she's not there for me. My other 2 closest friends don't live near me. The one had a son that's involved in sports and she's busy with that, as I was when my daughter was that age. My other friend is the one who's daughter died and she listens the most. But seriously, how much can I dump on her?

I'm off Monday so I'll try to call the counselors office, hopefully they're open. But I really believe what I truly need is some friends to talk to and go out with. I'm just at a loss as to how to do that.

 

[Justmehere]

That is very tough that your community is so lacking in social opportunities! Rec classes were going to be my next suggestion...

Keep up the search. I have a friend who joined the rotary club at 20 because she was so frustrated with trying to find mature people to connect to. She loves it and is still a member 10 years later. Maybe there is another service oriented type of connection like that in your area?

Even so, it suck that people you have supported are not supportive of you. It can really hurt so bad.

I am hurt that my one friend doesn't bother with since her room mate moved in. For over 20 years I listened to her when she had problems and now she's not there for me.

Have you told her this? If not, I hope you consider talking to her about this. If you have already talked to her, and she is still not bothering to connect with you more often, ugh...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You've made an incorrect assumption about hotlines. Not ALL of them connect you to a local hotline.

Please work on yourself. I see this relationship as unhealthy. You should have your own life and not jump to him because your daughter is gone.

 

[Justmehere]

@Solara makes a good point about hotlines. I've called a local hotline in another state to avoid anyone I work with and because my own local hotline is crap. Google another states name and crisis hotline and you may be able to find some. When I called them I explained I live in another area but was calling because I was avoiding someone who works at the hotline and they were ok with it.

It's not a full solution to the underlying problem but it may help get through this time.

 

[Glara]

@Solara it started before my daughter left (not counting the fact that it really started 30 yrs ago). Unfortunately, he started getting very bad in Oct and because she was already gone that is making it that much harder.

It is very unhealthy, because he is very unhealthy. For me, I am trying to work myself. That's what I'm saying, I'm having a very hard time due to my circumstances. I do know the types of things to do, I'm just not able to do them.