I'm scared I will never be able to tell someone everything

[oakleaves]

I'm also scared about why I feel I want to. I have always been really avoidant and shut down (even when having intrusive memories/flashbacks/nightmares/panic) I haven't been able to verbalise things and the shame has been so strong that the idea of telling someone is awful.
I've been doing some different things trying to ground myself etc recently and especially working on compassion and now I am feeling terrified that I will never have the chance to tell someone everything and that no one will know all the things (which to be honest I won't because I think there are things I don't remember).

It is such a weird shift for me to have gone from not wanting to ever tell anyone to having this intense feeling of wanting to. I can't make sense of it.
It's like I want to be heard or a younger part of me wants to be heard (using the term 'part' loosely) but also I am still terrified of everything breaking if I talk.
But then I sort of want to tell my story and just have someone know the things I know.
And I am really scared of it being dismissed.

Is this unusual or strange?

 

[somerandomguy]

Not unusual or strange.

This is one of the major benefits of therapy - learning to talk about it with someone who is completely nonjudgmental, and in fact has seen it before, and who knows how to make sure you don't break down when you do.

 

[pam4him]

Normal. It's a normal part of processing and moving forward. It's feeling others out and sharing a little at a time. I have to use caution in sharing, as too much can be somewhat traumatic for the other person. They want to help or fix, but don't know what to do, then feel guilt about it and possibly become uncomfortable. It's more about that than them being dismissive. Consider only sharing what is necessary at the time for the person in front of you. Perhaps using a journal to tell everything would ease some of your anxiety? A blog to share your story, under a pseudonym name of necessary? Try to tell yourself it is ok if no one know EVERYTHING. Various others knowing bits and pieces can be just as rewarding for a relationship. Prayers for discernment, wisdom and peace.

 

[Ronin]

I find there's more healing and closure in sharing the right pieces, with the right person, in a good or needed time.

And even then, huge chunks may not be mine to tell, to be told, or something that needs words, to be understood, or if not understood, respected.

It doesn't make your life less real and true, if untold. Nor is it giving power back to who hurt you.

 

[oakleaves]

Yeah I do mean a therapist. I can't imagine telling a person in my life the whole thing. I loathe myself so much because of how I am and how I cope and who I was. I hate it I just want to run away.

 

[joeylittle]

I can't imagine telling a person in my life the whole thing.

I couldn't, either. Still sometimes can't, for things I haven't talked about yet. Try and focus on what you're able to do today - it's just one day at a time, and same goes for therapy and disclosure - it happens one session at a time.

 

[Deleted member 36028]

I strongly relate to this. I find opening up extremely difficult and even mentioning standard things like I feel depressed this week is really hard for me. For me the effects of my Ptsd got to the point where I felt I was sabataging every aspect of my life because I am inherently scared of people and situations and so therapy was the a necessary. That was a good 5 years ago and I'll be honest I still think I am at the stabilisation stage and I still struggle to get on in life and often underperform as a result. But rather then think I'll never open up I think it will just take time.

 

[MyWillow]

My psydoc reminds me that I don’t have to remember. I don’t have to describe in words. She teaches me that self-compassion is more important than anything. But yes, talking and more importantly FEELING is the key.

 

[Invisible Fire]

I strongly relate to this post. I so much want to be seen and heard. There is a part of me that wants someone to know the ‘real me’. Before therapy sessions I plan on telling certain pieces but when I am sitting there I can’t speak. My therapist has told me many times, it is my story and I can share or not share what I want. This post gives me hope. My belief is that we are healing and it’s part of that process. Thank you for posting

 

[TruthSeeker]

I'm also scared about why I feel I want to. I have always been really avoidant and shut down (even when having intrusive memories/flashbacks/nightmares/panic) I haven't been able to verbalise things and the shame has been so strong that the idea of telling someone is awful.
I've been doing some different things trying to ground myself etc recently and especially working on compassion and now I am feeling terrified that I will never have the chance to tell someone everything and that no one will know all the things (which to be honest I won't because I think there are things I don't remember).

It is such a weird shift for me to have gone from not wanting to ever tell anyone to having this intense feeling of wanting to. I can't make sense of it.
It's like I want to be heard or a younger part of me wants to be heard (using the term 'part' loosely) but also I am still terrified of everything breaking if I talk.
But then I sort of want to tell my story and just have someone know the things I know.
And I am really scared of it being dismissed.

Is this unusual or strange?

Makes perfect sense to me. If I may ask, you would you tell and what relationship would they have to your trauma?

 

[oakleaves]

Makes perfect sense to me. If I may ask, you would you tell and what relationship would they have to your trauma?

I have been seeing a therapist on and off (because it has to be like that due to geography and because I can't really afford to see them weekly also I think it would be too much anyway as I need time to process what has happened in sessions between)

I feel like I want to tell this therapist everything. More than I want to tell someone in my actual life because I don't want it to be part of my life now, I want to protect my life now. I think it is more that a part of me is desperate to be heard and comforted and told it wasn't my fault (maybe) and for someone to help me with the feeling that it is stuck to me.

I don't know if it can change and my anxiety is so overwhelming at the moment that sometimes I feel as though I don't have a full grip on reality or I'm not fully present at all. I just want to be heard and for that part of me to be seen.

Which probably sounds weird. It is quite a scary feeling.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Yeah, I got a new T and while she seems really good....and expensive.....and there is a part that screams....tell her, tell it all.....I'm getting internal push-back to stay quiet and not stay too much.......that time honored don't trust, don't talk, don't feel....cause the last T screwed up, broke my trust big time, and was her own messed up mental health rotten soup sandwich. So, being vulnerable w another T.....a real struggle. The fact that I spent my life being transparent.....and that transparency was used to hurt me......isn't helping. I get that struggle with feelings, being honest, vulnerable....and the threat of that honesty being used against me or twisted is a huge factor in my stuckness with this T. Scary feeling-being vulnerable...I....totally understand.