I'm Scared of Being Judged, Need Advice

[TLight]

Hello all;

I've been considered disabled by the Social Security Administration since August of 2005, where I attempted to work for several months at a time periodically as a Biologist, but ended up repeatedly in a bad state.

I was finally approved for SSD in 2008 and they back dated it. I'm still on it.

Anyway, as some of you know from my journal, I have some cash and I want desparately to make a dream come true of owning a cabin. Now is the time to buy in order to get the incentive credit, etc.

So, the problem is I owe $60,000 in student loans that I've paid on periodically while I worked. The psyche doc who does my medication signed my disability forms that were to have been sent to them with no concerns really.

However, the front desk girls can't seem to figure out how to mail a form and I've been being frustrated going on two months now.

The forms state that if I'm unable to do any type of work for 3 years, my loans will be discharged. Until then, they are deferred. Which is fine with the bank.

However, the bank now wants a note from the doc saying will will definately not be able to work for 3 years.

Here's my problem and it is causing me great distress and raising my symptom levels, mostly cause I feel like a failure and a 'ward' of the state. I'm about ready to toss in the towel on my dream.

I'm sickened in my stomach to go back and 'beg' this doc to write a letter stating I can't work for 3 years. I feel like he's going to think I'm riding the system or something. I know he signed the other papers no problem, but I just hate this stuff.

I think it relates to 'having to ask anyone for help.' When I was enduring the worst of the abuse, I swore to myself I'd never need anyone.

Now I feel like I'm the bottom of society. Mentally ill and begging for someone to sign things so I can get what I want. I'm afraid of what he'll think. I'm afraid of asking. I'm feeling like giving up on this whole ordeal.

I hate this negative self talk. I know that's what it is........but I'm really struggling today with all this. Having to make another appt. Dealing with the judgement of the front desk 'girlies' and all their tattoos.

I have two degrees, I raised myself out of the dirt, I've had practically every lousy job on the planet and been triggered out of my mind until I completely broke. I'm terrified of returning to work, a place with a ton of trauma associations.......yet I want to be useful and use my talents.

I'm sick of being at home, but afraid to go 'out there' again and tolerate all the triggering. I'm afraid I'll end up dead.

I'm afraid of what the psyche doc thinks of me. I'm sickened just thinking of asking him for this note. I know I"m torturing myself and trying to stop, but I seem to be spiraling down a bit cause of this.

Just because I have a mental disability doesn't mean I should be denied a loan. I know that. I'm just feeling so ashamed.

I guess I'm asking for support.

 

[Marlene]

If your doctor signed the forms stating that you could get SSD, then he knows how truly disabled you are. Asking him to sign another form for the same thing, but different people doesn't mean that you're milking the system. It means that you're trying to get your life back on some sort of track. If he does think this, it's his problem not yours. If he truly believed that you could work, he wouldn't have singed the original papers in the first place. All you're doing is getting another person the same type of papers.

Stop beating yourself up. Your illness makes it difficult to impossible for you to work. If you had a physical disability that caused work to be out of the question for you and had to get the same paper signed by your doctor, would you think you were milking the system or just trying to get your life in order so you can live it with as little stress as possible?

Lisa

 

[Cate]

Hi TLight.

One of the things I've learned is to ask for help. You have no control over what's happened to you or what you're going through.

Put it this way...if you were 'normal' (whatever the hell that is) and someone came to you for help, would you help them or judge them?

Get your doctor to write a letter for you. Just because you're having to humble yourself doesn't mean you're being humiliated. There's a difference.

Ask for help when you need it.

Thanks for all of your posts. They've helped me.

Hang in there. :occasion:

Cate

 

[2quilt]

You are not milking the system!
Able-bodied people pay into Soc Sec for the specific reason of that money taking car of those of us who can no longer work. You yourself paid into that fund before you got to sick to work. That's your money that you are now taking back. SSD is not "the teet of the government"--it is what civilized countries use as a safety net to care for people who worked hard at one time, but circumstances have changed for them.
You and I are not frauds, we are not milking the government, and we are nor govt freeloaders; we are too sick to hold down a full time job for an extended period of time and we deserve to get back the money that we both paid into the system.

 

[Grama-Herc]

OH T.

I know this feeling. How wellIknowthisfeeling. DamnearstarvedtodeathbeforeIwentlookingforhelp. It was by far one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

I felt like the biggestfraudintheworld. SometimesIstillsinkbackintothat place. ButthenIremember---I DID NOT FILL OUT THE FORMS, MY DOCTOR DID.

The determination of my disability statis was decided by professionals, as was
YOUR'S.

I know it is easier said than done, but take a deep breath and go get the papers signed. You have earned it, deserve it and you are entitled to it.

 

[TLight]

You guys are so supportive. My BF says the same thing and I break down in tears........it just makes me feel so low. Plus I was PMSing.

Herc, you are exactly right, professionals made this call and I was in serious shape, I'd had two serious suicide attempts, exhaustion, pain with fibro..........the constant triggering had caused fungal overgrowth in my body and all my nails were discolored..........just now I've begun to relax a bit, but I still work myself to death at home.
Thank you all. I'm just going to somehow detach from the emotions of this and plug away.

Not working is very hard for me right now..........my sick parents were all about,'you are nothing if your not successful'......hence, whatever the job, I worked to DEATH.

I was THE fastest checker in the world! It was insane the things I did (and still do) to myself. I definately became my own abuser. So many wasted years in agony when I could have been content and living a wonderful life.

No more agony.