I'm So Not Ok Right Now

[Reds]

I am falling apart because I have said my goodbyes to my t today. Even though she told me it is not forever and that she will see me again and she will be in touch. I think I am having a panic attack.

She gave me a book she singed with a note inside and asked me for a hug. It made me feel better in that moment but right now I am not ok and I am trying so hard not to call her.

She agreed to phone sessions but I am still feeling so sad. I can't stop crying. I can use any sort of advice on how to take this. Is it supposed to hurt this bad? I do not know what to do. I know she is just my t and not a friend or family but it is too hard for me.

Can anyone make it better?

 

[macca]

Hey Reds. I'm sorry you are suffering right now :(

It really sounds like you have an abandonment thing going on - like maybe people haven't been there for you when you've needed them before? What you are feeling is real and valid, don't worry that it's "just your t" - there's a part of you fearful that it's all over.

I know this isn't the same, but I had something recently where I was going into panic because I'd "told" my therapist some stuff that had never seen the light of day before, and I was super fearful about it for a few weeks, on and off. I felt like a little kid. I ended up talking myself down several times, by literally talking to the little kid part, saying to her that it was ok, I was grown up now, and whoever I'm scared of doesn't know where I am and that he can't hurt me. That kind of thing, and it was like the child part was comforted, and calmed down.

I don't know if that will work for you - but it just reminded me of that, like it sounded that somewhere inside you is a frightened and abandoned child version of you, and maybe talking to her like you would a child, and comforting her as your adult self. I know it sounds weird.

I hope you feel better soon. You will make it, and she will still be there for you. As we will here! :shy:

 

[Mercy]

Is it supposed to hurt this bad? I do not know what to do. I know she is just my t and not a friend or family but it is too hard for me.

Macca's suggestion is a good one. But if the issue is abandonment, in whatever for that has been for you, you will really feel it in the now. Even when all the steps for separating from a T have been well done, it still is hard. This is a person who knows you very well. She has been support for you many times over many different things. Now the job of 'parenting' and witnessing your pain is up to you. It is good to rely on a support system if you have made one. I haven't managed that except here on the forum.

Actually, this pain shows something wonderful and hard for many people to attain. It means that you are capable of making meaningful attachments. When a relationship changes in significant ways, we are stressed too. It looks to many as if they are slipping back down hill. This may be true for a short while but the walk back up the staircase, we have already formed, is much easier.

The other thing that happens in our brains is a bundleing of our experiences. One bundle might involve sorrow, deaths, departures, saddness, and lonliness. I think that when one of those things is stirred up, the rest are stirred up too. It has happened to me like that. I was grieving for a good friend who had died from cancer. In my saddness, all the grief I had ever felt with came up to the surface as well. When I could recognize that mountain of sorrow, the weight of the immediate sorrow made sense and eventually lessened.

There is nothing wrong with tears. Being able to express your feelings is another success, all be it a wet one.

Sending you a hug if you like hugs,
mercy

 

[scout86]

Reds, I know it probably doesn't feel like it right this second, but "time" will make it better. I don't know if you'll find this useful but, when I'm suffering a loss and don't think I can live through it, I split "time" into the smallest increment I have to to get "yes" in answer to the question "can I stand this for <blank> long?" Like, "Can I stand this for another hour?" If "yes", I ask myself the question again, when things seem too much to bear. If I have to, I figure I can stand anything for another second. You string enough seconds together and you have a day.

The second thing I do is try to find something outside my own head to get involved with. I may not FEEL like being involved, but I do it anyway. I guess it's a form of distraction.

In your case, remember, your relationship with your T isn't ending. It's just changing. "Change" is an inevitable part of life and a lot of times its "good". You're moving in to a place with new opportunities. Remind yourself of that, in the most positive, affirming way you can. I literally have friends all over the world. I miss them sometimes, because we aren't in the same place. But we stay in touch and sometimes we ARE in the same place. It's ok. In fact, probably my best friend lives a thousand miles away. He doesn't email & hates making phone calls as much as I do. At one point, we didn't see or really talk to each other for 20 years. Then we ended up working together and things picked up right where they left off. Right down to the long running jokes. My point is, this isn't "The End". There's hope and things will be ok. Having said all THAT, I know it's hard. I wish it wasn't! Welcome to reality, I guess, and remember, there's a bunch of people here along for the ride. What you're experiencing is "a feeling". As I understand it "feelings" can't really kill you, it just kind of seems that way sometimes.

Take care, look ahead and have FUN!

Hey, just a thought. (This is something might T might suggest and, if he suggested it to ME, I'd be totally unable to do it. LOL But, maybe it will help you.) Do you think, when you REALLY miss her, you could close your eyes and concentrate and remember EXACTLY how you felt at the moment of that hug? I mean "exactly". Every detail you can come up with. Play with the feeling and try to make it stronger and less strong. Maybe pick a physical thing to tie it to. Like squeeze you thigh with your hand. Squeeze harder to make the feeling stronger, etc. Practice! Then, think of that hug as a gift. A gift that she gave you to take out in to the world, to recall anytime you need or want the feeling, because THAT feeling is "real" too.

Take care!

 

[Reds]

@scout86 you are sounding so much like my t, for a second I thought you might be her. I called her a few minutes ago and she said exactly what you wrote here.

@macca thank you, you have helped me stop the tears. I convinced the little girl that it is ok and that I will still be able to talk to t over the phone and emails. It took sometime, I am still sad but has stopped the tears.

@Mercy thank you for those hugs, I need more and a shoulder to cry on

 

[HelenB]

I know she is just my t and not a friend or family but it is too hard for me

I am sorry to hear that it is so hard for you and really feel for you in this situation. As others have said I know you have said she is just your therapist, but the relationship you have is one of such great value, where the little girl in you obviously feels safe and it is totally natural for you to be grieving the change. I am glad you are able to comfort the child in yourself and really hope you can come to some peace within yourself as you allow yourself to rightly grieve the loss you have, which will allow you to move on as a stronger person into the new opportunities and blessings of the future.

God bless
Helen

 

[CVC]

Reds, I am sorry you are going through a hard time. I wish I could give you that shoulder to cry on...

Actually, this pain shows something wonderful and hard for many people to attain. It means that you are capable of making meaningful attachments.

This is such an excellent point, and I hope it brings you some comfort, Reds. Personally, I know I will try to hold onto this thought when I'm feeling upset about interpersonal issues. Thanks, Mercy, for the insight.

 

[Abstract]

this pain shows something wonderful and hard for many people to attain. It means that you are capable of making meaningful attachments.

I agree that this is an excellent point and true. It may be no comfort to you at present but these feelings can be healing. I also think you should give yourself credit that you have not started looking for reasons to dislike her to help you cope with the feelings. Lots of people would do that.

This is painful and it is OK to be sad even if it is truly horrible. You should be proud that you managed to build a successful relationship with this t. That is something you will never loose.

 

[Reds]

@Abstract, I think I have started to look for reasons to hate her. I have sent her hateful emails hoping she'd give me a valid excuse to hate her but she replied with such kind words that it has left me even more frustrated :(

I hate being attached to people because I don't know how to deal with separation. I am just numb and have been in bed since I have said goodbye, I haven't even done the basics like eating and taking a shower. It feels like I am dead and I don't think that is healthy. I wish she could just give me a reason to hate her

 

[Eleanor]

((((((((Reds))))))))

So, I'm not so good at this kind of thing, but I think crying helps. This always always gets the tears flowing for me. And the paralyzing numbness may well be in lieu of feeling the sadness and hurt. And... the only way out is through. This is a song about the kind of parenting I never got - and it sounds like you didn't either. If not, you can do some self-parenting and see if you can talk yourself down from the level of grief you are experiencing now. I handled this particular problem for years by simply - leaving people before they left me (HA!) or just "disappearing" and not saying goodbye (Denial, my friend, how good to see you!) Um, this approach turned out not to work so well over the long term.:sorry::notworthy:

 

[jd9900]

Hey Reds. I too am sorry for what you are going through. A couple months' ago I was pretty down, and wrote the following. It was helpful for me to get it out, and I hope you will find it useful as well. I hope you are feeling better.
*******************************
Once when I was about 15 years old, I woke up late for school. As I rushed to get out of the house, I walked several feet when I felt something on my head. I ran my hand through my hair to find a bird had shit, as though on aim, precisely on my head. I was freaking - I was late and had no way to clean this. As I was about to run into my house to clean it the bus showed up, so I did everything I could to not be the guy on a school bus with bird shit on his head, but it was to no avail.

Getting on the bus it was abundantly pointed out to me by the rest of the bus what had happened. It was a bad trip to school. Once there I get to the bathroom, clean up, and go to homeroom. There I am greeted with, "Dude, did a bird shit on your head??" More fun.

I lowered my head and got through that exceptionally bad day, got home, showered, and took a very long nap. It was one of the worst days of my life, at least at the time.

I recently thought about that day, and thought to myself, "You know...if that same thing happened to me today, I would get to work, be like, "Yeah, bad day, bird shit, be right back." Clean it up and chuckle at anyone who wanted to talk about it because in retrospect there are some funny aspects to this. Hell, After I got it out of my head I'd be the first to crack wise.
*******************************

This is a story about how sometimes, shit happens. But in passing, it's probably not as bad as it seems at the time.

Keep your chin up. ;)

 

[The Albatross]

Projection and provocation... should your former T respond in a manner that you would seem to prefer, vindicates you and validates your feelings. But it is a false victory because you are provoking/manipulating someone to get the response that you think will best serve you.

If you are in communication, perhaps you are best served honestly telling your former T what is going on.