I'm Sort Of All Over The Place . . .

[DMerish]

I'm a bit confused and emotional, and wasn't sure of the best place to post. So, Admins, move this to a more suitable spot if you see fit to do so. Thanks.

I'm feeling real sad, confused, agitated/lots of anxiety, stressed, angry and joyful/appreciative. I'm sort of "all over the place" and having a really, really tough time - One of my close friend's son committed S a few days ago. His funeral is this afternoon. Today is also my youngest son's birthday. The two boys spent a lot of time together. The one that passed was like family, and my son was like his big brother.

My son is out of the country. Due to his job and location, he can only communicate with a couple of people when he's away working: I'm one of the few. He does not know about the loss of our family/friend (yet).

He returns home very early tomorrow morning. We have plans to celebrate my son's birthday tomorrow evening with extended family and friends. Folks that know my son and also knew the deceased are asking me whether I'm going to tell my son what happened or whether he should be told at all. And I'm not sure . . . .

My son will leave the day after tomorrow (day after his b-day party) for his next job assignment. He will be gone two weeks plus two days. He'll be alone nearly the whole entire time.

I dont' know whether to tell my son of the news about our family/friend. I don't want my son's "happy" birthday to be over shawdowed with sadness and hate the idea of him being all alone with his own sadness because of the event and my son's lack of contact with people when he's working.

I know I could use some hugs cuz I'm trying to be strong and supportive to my friend, and making a lot of arrangements on her behalf. But I'm not sure what should be done about letting my son know about what's happened . . . . at least not yet. I'd appreciate some ideas and feedback.

Thanks,
Drew

 

[kahlan]

That's a very difficult position to be in. I don't have any words of wisdom here but I can offer a hug.

 

[Mommyof5]

It is parental instinct to shield our children from any kind of pain, emotonal upset/strain/stress included.

At the same time, parenting adult children involves being honest and open despite the stress that may come with the truth.

If this person was and still is an important person in your sons life, he definately has a right to know sooner than later.

Just some advice from an adult child, and a mother of children.

 

[mytai]

@DMerish I've been the adult child on the receiving end of bad news. My parents didn't tell me until months after (they were waiting until I finished my finals) and it was extremely hurtful that they kept it from me. It added a lot of emotional upset that it was kept a secret.

Plus, I'm sure your son would rather hear it from you. What if someone thinks he knows and starts talking about it with him. Honestly DMerish, I understand that it is hard and you want to protect your son but he deserves to know.

 

[mytai]

There will always be reasons to postpone telling him as well. Next it will be Christmas, or another job assignment, or something.

 

[Hashi]

Bearing in mind that I've got no experience of being a parent and only of being the adult child of a parent, every part of me is saying... tell him.

I can't get my head round the idea of him cheerfully celebrating his birthday, then later discovering this. Doesn't feel very happy to me, it feels like a mess.

I don't really understand your comment about your son being alone with his sadness because of his work situation. Isn't he going to be with family, at least for a short time? Isn't it inevitable that if you don't tell him there'll be this (falsely) happy birthday with folks, then after that he'll be alone and find out about his friend?

You can't shield him from life. Beyond a certain age, I don't think that's a parent's role anyway. How would it help him not to know something that's true? To let him party with no knowledge?

I think I'm probably being very harsh. I should probably be more gentle and sympathetic. I'm afraid I have to leave that to others, because I can't do it when it comes to this sort of thing. A parent controlling the information that their adult child has is extremely problematic for me. Life is there.... this happened... how long are you going to try to control the world he lives in? How long are you going to be able to hide life from him?

 

[p-no]

@DMerish I am very sorry for your loss and for that of your son. I have lost a friend to S and another person who was special to me. S adds so much to the hurt of losing someone. Wishing you strength and acceptance -- when you're ready for it.

About telling your son: I would tell him, early, when he has settled back in after arriving.

Me, too, I was on the receiving end. It was my birthday when my close colleague and friend died. Other colleagues and friends called me on my birthday, they all knew. I heard that something was off, over the phone, although nobody said anything. I felt awkward all day because I could sense they were behaving differently. It startled me that they all were... The morning after my birthday they called me at six in the morning. The colleague and friend who called me said they didn't want to wait any longer. They knocked me out of bed, I was not fully awake, and hit me over the head with the news. That wasn't, plus realising they had all known and that had been the reason for them having been different over the phone, for "something being off" when I talked with each of them... that wasn't nice. Ever since then, I have not celebrated my birthday anymore. I turn off phones, usually don't open e-mail, etc. and just go for breakfast in a café alone. I do not hold against them what they did, I am aware it's a difficult situation and a decision needs to be taken in a short amount of time, etc. but this was not a good decision, not for me. Yes, it would have ended any birthday celebrations (if they had told me when they called me, right in the middle of my birthday party). But that would have been my decision and if I had needed it, I would have called off my birthday, and that would have been okay with me, and I'm sure, with anyone who attended my party. They would have understood, and helped.

 

[Candleflames]

I'm so sorry your family is experiencing such sorrow at an also happy time. I know how confusing that is. Big hugs of support for you in making your decision.

I don't have an opinion about what you should do but I have a couple of questions I would be asking myself if I were in your shoes. Is it likely that your son would ask about this person or expect him to be at the celebration? How upset about the delay is your son likely to be when you do tell him? Would an emotional upset (grief) on his job away increase any danger (by distracting him) of that job?

I wish you the best of luck in this.

 

[EverOnly358]

@DMerish,

I'm so sorry you've lost this person so close to you and your family. Condolences. Lots of {{{Hugs}}}. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Y'know, whatever you decide, it'll be okay. Because it's clear that you love and care about your son so much. You want to do what's right. You want to tell him what he needs to know, you want to make sure he has the best birthday that's possible, you want to do what makes sense for him related to his job. It's obvious, your love and concern. He'll feel that, too.

I guess I would just confirm my concern, like @p-no mentioned... that he might notice people acting differently and people keeping something from him. I guess... because you're looking for advice and I don't want to keep you hanging... well, maybe you should just tell him. Take him aside in a private moment, as soon as you can, tell him what happened, tell him you really debated whether or not it was the right thing to tell him now or later, but that you wanted to treat him as an adult, and you didn't want him to find out from someone else... and, y'know. In the end, whenever he finds out, it's still going to be bad news, very sad. You can't protect him from the pain forever.

I'm not sure this helps. But I wanted to send out lots and lots of {{{hugs}}}.

Hang in there,
D123

 

[DMerish]

I'm so thankful for this forum!!!! Like I said, I was all over the place and not thinking entirely straight but I'm better now from your help!
Hashi - Yes, you're correct. My son will be home for a few hours tomorrow then he leaves the next morning. And, yes, if I didn't tell him then there would be this false happiness with folks at the party and my son would definately pick up on that!

You are all correct, and thanks for those questions Candleflames! This son (my "baby") and I are the most alike. We prefer truth to fiction. We have respect for each other by speaking honestly and directly. We're real keen on sensing when "something's up" and do a crap job of being able to hide things from each other. If I wait to tell him, I'd do both of us a disservice and the very opposite of strengthening our relationship. He'd be pissed at me if he found out later, just as if I'd be pissed at him if the tables were turned.

So, I need to tell my son the news soon. He'll call tonight before he boards his plane. I'll tell him then. He'll have some alone time to process the info while he's on the plane; he'll have tomorrow to rest from his trip, and process with me and/or a couple of his closest friends, and later prepare and go to the party.

The deceased was not expected to attend the party. Several of the funeral attendees will attend the b-day party though. I know my son pretty well. He'll find a way to connect the timing of what happened to the deceased with the timing of his b-day and celebrating with his friends and family that will put everyone at ease and make the party even more meaningful. Like a gift from him back to us.

A lot is going on in my head and emotions right now; I was starting to feel extreme anxiety over how to handle the situation. I so, so, so appreciate this forum and the suggestions and hugs folks sent. My toes are sweeping the ground again and I now feel my feet will hit solid ground again, a bit later tonight ;)

Thank you, thank you!!!!!

:hug:

 

[Candleflames]

I'm glad you are able to figure out what is right for you and your family. I know there will be tears of sorrow mixed with the tears of joy when he gets in. It's part of that life package. Enjoy the time with your son and Happy Birthday to him.

:hug:

 

[Britt.f7]

First, I am so sorry for this loss. Death is nearly always sad, and suicide on top of it makes it so much worse. I think.

Then, I am glad you decided to tell him. I thought of what you were saying and thought of my own sons. They would want to know, sooner rather then later. When my oldest son was in 5th grade his classmate's father killed his mother. My son was close to these people and expecting to go to a party with them the following day. He knew something was up, because they pulled his friend out of class. I had to decide how much to share with him, of what I knew and it wasn't easy. In the end I told him the truth of what happened, within reason.

It is so hard, wanting to protect our children and yet, not wanting to withhold from them. Good luck to you. My heart is with you.