I'm Starting To See Clearly Now.

[anthony]

Yes, I am direct, nothing knew there. I do not have the time to write 1000 words for what can be said in 10. I know my personality, yes.

Anger is perfectly normal, as Deb stated, you have every right to feel it. Like you stated Loloma, he is no longer your problem. No doubt at all you would feel something about what he said about trying to fix impotence with a new lover, when he didn't even try with you. It puts thoughts in your mind to self-blame, which is not what it's about.

You no doubt feel hurt by his comments, and that is perfectly normal and you have every right to feel it.

 

[Loloma]

Thanks Anthony, I have learnt a lot on this forum and have also found hidden strength which I didn't know I possessed. Months ago if I had of read your post relating to my labelling of my ex with NPD, I would have crumbled in a heap, had a panic attack and ducked for cover. I would of taken it as outright criticism and not constructive criticism.

I am now able to read it, take it in, go away and think about it and respond in a more mature manner. That in itself is progress and I have to thank you and the forum for that. Yes it will take a long time to get over the hurt, but I will. The strangest thing occurred today. I had a call on Skype from my first ex asking for my help. Now I know there may be people on the forum that think I am mad, but I said yes to him. Doesn't alter the fact that he was an arsehole. He knows I have a good memory with dates and numbers and asked for help to track down his pension as we had lived in many countries, I have kept all the records.

He is still the father of my children and it takes less energy to be 'nice' than to be constantly nasty. I found this out with my mother in the weird relationship we had, where I went from hating her so much that I wanted to kill her, to looking after her in the last few years of her life. Then having her flown from one side of the country to the other to be buried. This is something I will never regret as I finally had the chance to see a glimpse of the mother I never had as a child. When the schizophrenia was over taken by the dementia. It gave me peace and healing.

 

[Loloma]

In my experience recovery from decades of abuse is a slow drawn out process. As long as the extreme hurt and pain stay with you, it is almost impossible to move forward. You live in the negatively and self doubt and it only takes the slightest incident to trip you up. The negativity works in your mind and body like poison. All consuming to the point where you cannot think rationally and your own body looses the strength to fight. Your body becomes prone to all sorts of sicknesses and infection.

This happened to me when I imploded as a means of handling the trauma. During this period I was constantly in hospital having had peritonitis, hepatitis, nephritis, gall bladder and kidney removal, hysterectomy and many angina attacks all under the age of forty. I have come a long way over the last twenty odd years, from being a total wreck to learning to see issues from not just my point of view. The last few years have been a lot more stable and manageable health wise.

What I am trying to say is that now I am able to process and adjust quicker than previously. Sure there are always ups and downs depending on current situations. Living constantly in negativity is soul destroying, crippling and to your own detriment. Whilst in this frame of mind it is almost impossible to move forward towards the future. The anger and hurt is all consuming and feeds the negativity even more. Positive thinking becomes out of reach. We all make bad choices in life and having PTSD makes us all the more vulnerable. That is why I stayed in bad relationships, even though probably deep down I knew they were wrong. I have spent months trying to analysis the past, picking it all to pieces in minuet detail. All the time I lived in anguish, sadness and confusion.

Because a lot of my thinking was flawed, I accepted what was familiar to me and went with it. I am in no way excusing what my ex's did to me. It was definitely wrong. However I enabled them by not having the necessary abilities to set the boundaries and make the changes. It was me who stayed with them through all the abuse. This is where a lot of my anger stems from to a great degree. The loss of all though's years, what a waste. Hanging onto the past and feeding off it is not the answer. Sitting back and trying to learn from it will help me from making the same mistakes in the future. It CAN NOT be changed, it happened. It is so easy to apportion all the blame to the other party. Maybe somehow it stops us from looking at our role in what happened in the relationship.

I know the damage it has done to my children. They have become a reflection of myself, all with broken relationships and emotional problems. However they are excellent fathers to their children. Children's brains are like sponges that soak up everything they hear and see around them. We know how traumatic it is for us going through abuse or a broken relationship, but sometimes we are not so mindful of how it is affecting our own children. In my case this played out when they became adults. I live with the guilt of it, although my children are adult enough now to tell me not to beat myself up about it. They love me and I love them. Once again the past cannot be changed, but me stabilising myself and moving on with my life can only have a positive influence on my children and grandchildren.

 

[Loloma]

Back in the early nineties when I had my breakdown was the worse time of my life. Sometimes I think back and remember what I was like emotionally and psychologically.

My god, it was an absolute disaster. Couldn't think straight, nasty and paranoid is the best way to describe myself. More like a dog with a bone, holding on to what I wanted to believe and no one could convince me otherwise. I was argumentative, obstinate and very difficult to get through to. My anger and fury was unrelenting towards the psych nurses, my therapist or anyone that came close to me.

After being a mouse for forty two years, I suddenly changed into a roaring tiger that couldn't be silenced or controlled. All the built up hurt and sadness that had been locked away for so many years, burst loose. I had no control of what was occurring to my mind or body. Anxiety attacks all day and night. Unable to eat, sleep or think straight. It felt like I was on another planet, as nothing seemed real. The fear of what was happening to me heightened my senses even more increasing the stress. It was so horrible, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Loosing control of your bodily functions is so terribly embarrassing. The nursing staff had to clean and wash me as I had lost the ability to do it. My short term memory recall was about five seconds. Showering and getting to the toilet on time was not possible. I forgot how to read and write. I had become like a machine that had short circuited. It took me one and a half years to stabilise enough to go back out into the world. To this day I still have problems with writing and recall, I still forget how to spell a lot of words. The more I am on this forum and writing the better it is getting.

The time I spent with my T during this time was invaluable. I saw him every day except for weekends and the cognitive therapy helped a lot. The first five months I was on a lot of medication until I started to improve and become a little more rational. He then started weaning me off it. I wasn't easy to work with, as they told me my behaviour was like a bad mouthed brat. Hey, that was a change from the kid I was when little. The obedient, well behaved abused child. My inner child really went to town once it was allowed out.

In a way I am glad that it happened back then, otherwise I would never have been able to cope with the deaths in my family that happened afterwards. The two relationship breakdowns and the ongoing trauma's that are still to come. I have two very ill sibling who are just hanging in there by a thread. The trauma of my recent break-up has bad a much larger impact on me than what I thought it would. It is a slow process and I believe I'm finding my footing at last and can look to the future.

 

[Loloma]

I was watching a movie tonight and it really made me laugh. This guy had about 27 hours to find a wife and get married, or he would loose the 100 million dollar inheritance his grandfather left him.

What he said to one of the girls was, "I'm not interested in your vagina, I just want to marry you".

Made me think of my ex, because this really happened to me. He just wanted to escape to another country to get away from his responsibilities. Fortunately I can laugh about it, and the hurt is getting less each day.

 

[Daisygirl]

Loloma,

After reading your thread, I realized that despite all that you have been through (and it IS a lot), you are a fighter. What you have written here summarizes a lot of my own experiences and also the focus of my recovery. I understood your comments about working yourself until you were sick and struggling with not being able to keep working.

I also have had trouble speaking up for myself. I am getting better at it, but sometimes, I still find myself slipping into old styles - smiling and acting like nothing is wrong with how I am being treated. Sometimes, like you have written, I don't even realize my slip-up until later.

I can understand your anger when you find yourself accommodating again. I do it. My therapist asks, "after what you have been through, why do you beat yourself up and add to it?" Old habits do die hard. I always blamed myself for everything going wrong as did my family, and it's been a hard transition to recognize that it takes 2 to make or break a relationship.

Currently I am reading a book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason, MS and Randi Kreger. It is about coping with Borderline Personality Disorder, which doesn't have anything to do with PTSD. I just want to say that first. BUT I have found the information about boundaries really helpful, and it touches on what a healthy relationship is really like. It asks questions about how to determine if the reader is being codependent in their relationships. I was sad and relieved at the same time to see that not so long ago I was codependent, but now am doing better. :geek:

After I finish this book I plan to read "PTSD and Relationships" book referred by Anthony. After that, I am going on the hunt for a book or books that helps me visualize what a healthy relationship is. I identified with what Phoenix_Rising said about not really knowing what a healthy relationship would look like, feel like, or be like.

How can I know what to do when I can't even visualize where I am trying to go?

I am glad to hear that you are getting a lot from the forum and therapy. I have just joined here and am also finding it very helpful. Thanks for posting your story! I will be sending good thoughts your way! :)

 

[Loloma]

Thanks Daisygirl,

I have a few threads running on this forum, this thread is more in a positive vein believe it or not. Please that you got something out of it.

I have a couple of other good books from Robin Norwood. One is "Letters from women who love too much", and Women who love too much".

Will write some more tomorrow. Wishing you all the best and hope you enjoy the forum.

Loloma

 

[Loloma]

Spring has arrived in Europe after a dark, cold, bleak winter. I loved the snow and the sun filled days but the dullness of the other days, was like being in hell. That was when I was at my lowest. It is bright and sunny outside which has a soothing calming effect, just what I need.

Have handed in my notice on the rental property and I'm busy making plans to move to my holiday house, hopefully by the end of April. I really don't fit into this small village. Most of the people here has lived either here or close by all their lives and I think they see me as an oddity. The strange woman from Australia that locks herself in the house and doesn't tell everyone her life story. To start with it's none of their business and secondly they wouldn't understand anyway.

Finally got notification of my first long term therapy sessions with the mental health service. Boy, they really took their time. The first visit was in November last year. The appointment is on the 5th of April. I find it disgusting, compared with Australia. If you get a referral from you GP, the waiting time is usually 4 to 6 weeks. But then again I think statistically there are a lot more people with mental health problems here. In Australia people generally hang in there for as long as possible, before they seek help. What with only ten sick days a year and such, unless you can go out on workers compensation, your in deep shit financially. The system here is totally different, where sick leave can go up to two years. Works on a sliding scale, but you will get some form of income either from your boss, or the government. Needless to say some people do take advantage of it. Others that need help have to go on this long drawn out process. There are pro's and con's everywhere.

I find myself getting mentally stronger everyday. The sadness and pain of my marriage breakdown has nearly subsided. And yes, I can see clearly now. Can't change the past, can learn from it though. We are back on speaking terms settling the last few items of the divorce. Have stopped beating myself up over what I didn't see in front of me for so many years. The enabling was my fault, realising that I accepted it all and didn't try to change the situation. Let it go on for years in silence mode. That's where the sadness comes from, it would have been so much easier and I wouldn't have lost so many precious years for nothing.

 

[Loloma]

Walked out the front door to put down the sun shade, and yes they came like flies (the neighbours) and started questioning me about my movements. "Haven't seen you for ages", "have you adjusted to living here", blah, blah, blah. That's why I don't go out the back door and purposely use the rear exit. I suppose they are being nice, but I just want to be left alone!!

Spent yesterday in the front garden pulling out all the weeds, it gets like that here, plants die off and comes back to life in the spring with new grow, hence having to cut away the dead foliage. The bulbs I planted in Autumn are all flowering, tulips and daffodils different varieties and colours. It was 17 degree and felt hot in the sun. At least I got some much needed vitamin D, instead of out of a bottle.

The thing is, I can't think of anything negative to say lately. That's good isn't it? I bought two books on line for the book club and got them at a good price. I will have to part with some of my books when I leave here, as I can't shipping them from one continent to the other. It's cheaper to source the second hand book stores in Perth to replace any I want. Over the years I've bought lots of biography's and autobiography's. Saddam, Gorbachev, Clintons, Barack Obama, Rupert Murdoch, Mandella, Mussolini etc. Like reading these books to gain an insight into how these people think. Then there is all the self help books. I wrote in the thread "How do you know you have PTSD", my answer was, when you have a book case full of self help books but don't know how to help yourself. It's very true.

As long as you are not willing to take constructive advise, from people that are trying to help you will remain stuck. Of course everyone is different and you need to be in the right space or frame of mind to let it in. Letting go of STUFF is so very hard to do. It is a step by step process dealing with all the emotional turmoil, that is driving you daily. You live it, breath and sleep it daily. From my point of view I had to first let go of the feelings of anger and betrayal. The pain and sadness were the hardest when I thought my heart would break. It didn't and eight months later I'm still standing but moving forward.