I'm stuck...

[SeekingAfrica]

My financial state is a house on fire at the moment.

I have a few ideas for side job, but last month I lost time, first triggered by family then possible eviction. I have survived both.
Here's the issue: I lost so much time on personal stuff mentioned above, I am behind on a deadline. Deadline is for tomorrow. Tomorrow evening, if I'm generous. That is the one sure gig I have and it will be paid even if I'm late, but that may mean anything from Monday to Wednesday (communicating on it right now).
Here is why this is bad: first, I was waiting on that big payment for several bills and rent. Those thankfully will be okay if it's a small delay. My anxiety makes me worry what if it's bigger delay although logically I have ...well, 50/50 shot of that.
Bigger deal is, had to borrow money to avoid the eviction, I must return them by 10th and the delay will make it a close call and that makes me more anxious.
Add to that, that my calculations of leaving mini-amount of money for food, bus and meds doesn't go beyond Monday at best, and it's not great.
Worst of all, on my very best non-worry state I need 2, maybe 3 days to finish the deadline.
NOW is definitely now my best, working happens only with many mini breaks in between, not sure I clock a full work day whatsoever.

AND because I can't finish this deadline I'm postponing applications and working on getting side gigs, leaving me dependent on this job I have started to hate.
I know this is the kind of pivotal 'suck it up and do it' kind of moment, but I'm coping badly.

Like, hiding under the covers in bed after lunch for a little bit (dark and safe) lately.
My life needs triage, but I'm not doing that great.

Should I use the little resources I have (try to take extra medication or something to do my job??)? How do I take big measures like applying if I can barely do baby steps?
Also getting out of the house is starting to get harder as it tends to when I'm not great, same for cleaning, cooking, everything.

How do I survive?

 

[Sideways]

Deadline is for tomorrow. Tomorrow evening, if I'm generous.

Would it be possible to put everything else in a box, just until tomorrow evening, and just work on this. Until the deadline.

Then once the deadline is here, reassess. Open the box, and deal with those other things once the deadline has passed.

Focus on what you can control.

 

[Friday]

Would it be possible to put everything else in a box, just until tomorrow evening, and just work on this. Until the deadline.

This.

My life needs triage, but I'm not doing that great.

When every little thing spins up into something so big as my whole LIFE is in the balance? Of course it’s nearly impossible. And of course it knocks over the entire row of dominos.

Big things? Are made up of little things. So it’s easy to catastrophize & future-trip, and spin wildly out of control… if I don’t do A, then B won’t, and C won’t, a D will happen, and E won’t happen, and OFMG ITS ALL GOING TO….. crash. And burn.

Quite frankly? There are a LOT of times in my life when I can’t even pick out a shirt, or buy a box of cereal, without it feeling like a life or death decision, or needing it to rise to that level in order to make a decision… and all the dominos kicking over from there. I have a lot of cheats/tricks to avoid those times f*cking up my life, because title really does happen, a lot, when my stress cup starts maxing out (and sometimes for no durn reason whatsoever >.<)

ETA

Spoiler: A FUN, if a bit too apt, visual of my dominos

.

Robots, domino scene, if video is not available in your area.
Now, if ONLY I could master the surfing bit. I’m not the one surfing. I’m the one suddenly swept away

 

[DharmaGirl]

Sending you lovingkindness.

 

[arfie]

hiding under the covers in bed after lunch for a little bit (dark and safe) lately.

this got me flashing back to my hidey holes, seeki. i had nearly forgotten them. early into my recovery (80's) i was contracting computer graphics from home, raising sons, etc., etc., and an emotional train wreck pretty much all day, every day. in psychotherapy, memories of my childhood hidey holes were emerging in my amnesia therapy. i spent a great deal of my childhood in hidey holes and was quite extravagant in making them comfortable. my therapist suggested i build myself some hidey holes similar to the ones i built as a child. i went all out, gentle/optional lights, blankets. munchie stashes and all. the one in the wet bar cabinet was my fave, but the clothes closet hidey hole wasn't too shabby, either. i crawled into my hidey hole for most of my therapy breaks. stress makes my eyes achey, so i most often took the no lights option. it remained one of the hardest phases of my life, but those itsy bitsy baby steps add up. one mantra of that phase of my life was, "when going through hell, the quickest way out is straight on through."

dunno if this resonates with your case, or not. just sharing. . .
should i share that i have a sudden craving to go build another hidey hole? my current house doesn't have one.

steadying support while you find your own way, seeki. you can do this.

 

[Friday]

i spent a great deal of my childhood in hidey holes and was quite extravagant in making them comfortable.

I did almost the same exact thing for most of my 20’s… bolt holes, instead of hidey holes, although I mostly just hung out in them (especially if I added twinkle lights, and soft/warm places, books, and others. Some were straight up utilitarian. Others were secret gardens/Arabian nights/magic wardrobes)… except that they all had 2nd or 3rd exits into other rooms, crawlspace, or outside. And, once, into my neighbor’s apartment. From under my bathroom sink, into under theirs. Many times, however, into my neighbor’s attic space.

I have rather a pernicious thing about NOT being trapped.

((Similarly, every loft I’ve ever leased, I permanently harnesses and ropes, so I can absail down with kids/pets/guests in the evening of fire. I don’t try to hide those. I just have to hide testing them when the building is NOT on fire. Police are never keen on people going out windows, especially not From several stories up.))

Whilst one CAN kick through drywall very easily? It reduces the speed/likelihood anyone else will know where you’ve gone, or how -and speeds up one’s own exit- to create panels in advance.

My absolute favorite bolt hole will probably always be building slides under staircases. But those are semi-major construction, as opposed to a drywall knife and some slickery tape (for the edges, so they don’t squeak if I’m being quiet instead of fast).

 

[arfie]

I have rather a pernicious thing about NOT being trapped.

ditto here. a dichotomy i wrestled with during this phase of my therapy was that it was fear of being trapped which drove me into small, hidden places, preferably small enough that a grown-up couldn't squeeze in. most of my trauma happened in rural settings, so most of my faves were outdoors.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Would it be possible to put everything else in a box, just until tomorrow evening, and just work on this. Until the deadline.

Doing that. Except I couldn't do it yesterday, my mind got too dark and had to take a moment.
So missing the deadline, but still aiming to be done by end of weekend, so until then I'm just doing work-break-work sequences without overthinking as much as I am capable.

I have a lot of cheats/tricks to avoid those times f*cking up my life, because title really does happen, a lot, when my stress cup starts maxing out (and sometimes for no durn reason whatsoever >.<)

Like what? I have some of my own I guess, after you live with PTSD long enough you have to. But I can surely use more because my stress cup does still trip me up at times.

I have rather a pernicious thing about NOT being trapped.

Don't we all... Although, because of my particular situation(s) that gave me PTSD I'm also obsessed a bit with the door being locked. I can't sleep with open window, I don't care if there is a net and if it's in a property with garden and a wall or somewhere safe, windows are closing when I get in bed. Same with door. Also when I stress, I recheck having locked the front door several times.

I did almost the same exact thing for most of my 20’s

I'm in my 30s.... Funny thing is I never did it when I got PTSD. Though as a child survivor I also had all the years up to 20-25 when I couldn't sleep if my legs were showing out of the cover/blanket/sheet no matter how hot it was. But that's a different thing altogether, it was automated behaviour I didn't think about until much later. This is deliberate... I guess coping? Like my days are too hard and everything feels hyper and my solace is having a small moment during the day when I'm under blanket and I have my phone but everything else is just... away. It's dark, it's warm, and it's separated from my day and my life.

Whilst one CAN kick through drywall very easily? It reduces the speed/likelihood anyone else will know where you’ve gone, or how -and speeds up one’s own exit- to create panels in advance.

Haha. Interesting how things are on the other side. Here houses are usually brick wall, and buildings- concrete so good luck with exiting or entering through that... in any case, I live alone for now, so in theory I don't need a hiding spot... but since my stress now is work and housing related and work from home for now, I guess the blanket gives me illusion of safety.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I can't cope, I don't know how to. I have impossible deadline to complete in the weekend and I feel like I'm sleepwalking.

I slept enough, I am not cold or hungry (yet).... there is just so much to do and I feel like my eyes are closing all the time and I haven't even begun. I was supposed to wake early and start fresh. Instead I missed all my alarms and I feel like I'm drunk (I'm not).

I'd give anything to have the chance to postpone that deadline.
But this is it, my last shot, I can't miss it. I HAVE to complete it, along with laundry and cooking and dishes today because I have nothing edible otherwise.
Been depressed for a bit (and on meds though they need adjusting) but this is worse, this is like barely keeping my eyes open, and when I try to look at my todo list my heart is racing, everything is pulsing and blurring.

I'll start bit by bit. I'm not worried about doing nothing. I'm worried about not finishing more than 30% of what I need because I've been in this before.
Thought about going to food bank too. Turns out in my country you have to get the food through organization (for abuse, or homelessness, or disability etc.) so there is paperwork and it doesn't just happen. I can barely stay present, paperwork is out of the question. Last time I cooked in this state I burned myself twice. Have to make it work.
Still most worried about working at all or working too little and not having the ability to feel the repercussions that will hit me later.

 

[arfie]

worry is like a rocking chair. it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere. ~anon

taking it bit by bit always works for me, whether i make the current deadline or knot. itsy bitsy baby steps. rest is good, but avoid the proverbial rocking chair.
breathing with you, seeki.
easy does it.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

whether i make the current deadline or knot.

All else makes sense but if I don't meet this deadline which seems beyond my capability timewise, it will be game over for me...
Still, doing bits, it's just super slow.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@SeekingAfrica - I’ve merged your new thread with your very recent thread on the same issue, and shifted it into the Anxiety/Panic forum. This will help keep all the advice you’re receiving on this issue from getting spread out across the site over a number of different forums. If you have any questions, please use Contact Us.