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I'm stuck...

I can't, I can't, I can't....
I don't know why I'm still here, I ruin everything.

My body feels weird, either like I can't be awake or my heart is beating like a hammer if I try being present.
I'm ruining my life and I don't know how not to do that.
 
if I don't meet this deadline which seems beyond my capability timewise, it will be game over for me...
this kind of pressure sends me rushing down the proverbial rabbit hole more surely than any of the curve balls life throws at me. relieving the pressure is absolute top priority for my own stress management. if i allow it to escalate, it infects every aspect of my life, both business and personal.

the "game over" analogy helps me ease that pressure. it's just a game. my life will go on, whether i win this particular game or go sit in the stands to pick a side to cheer for.
 
I'm ruining my life and I don't know how not to do that.
Don’t commit crimes that will have you put in prison or put to death in most countries… probably covers most of it?

Rightsizing what’s going on now? Is, worst case scenario, your next few months are f*cked. (Homeless, jobless, hungry.). Until you figure out how to acquire food, get more work, and get a new place. And then are in an even better position in life, than you are now.

A few difficult months? Is not ruining your life.
 
Is, worst case scenario, your next few months are f*cked. (Homeless, jobless, hungry.).
Well... to be fair: I am not in my country.

Meaning there is no being homeless without consequence. You have a week after changing address to announce it. So if I stay, I'm breaking the law.
If I return to my parents, and have become homeless it means I'm likely in debt to my landlord for rent and bills and to my phone provider which again is leaving me stuck at my parents with debt in another country, where I have spend a decade building a life. Not to mention in that scenario giving up a decade of belongings, and going to work out my health and mental issues on my parents couch and trying to resolve my situation in 2 countries.

I'm close to eviction, and at my age (34) have no savings and no retirement setup because I got PTSD in my last year of uni and for a long time couldn't work normally. And then it's been up and down.

How do I even fix all of that? Not to mention the therapy I need because of dark thoughts and the dental work I'm avoidng again for financial reasons obviously....
OKay, yes, I could have murdered someone, but are we setting the bar that low now? I haven't killed anyone so I'm good?
Thank you. I know what you're trying to say so thank you for that. It just seems that even if I'm not evicted things with be dark for a while and I'm not sure how to turn them around- which is to say if I've been trying to years and keep sliding back, then, what I was trying is not working. So the deadline's just a deadline but... how do I establish my life again? Wherever I am?

I'm not supposed to be this clueless at this age. My friends have built families and all and here I am...
At this age.
Still stuck on things I should have let go of, still having to build things everyone else I know has just done already,.
How do I even begin?? And yes, I'm trying to be fair: most of the friends that have families and all do not have poverty background. The one that does is also struggling. To be also fair neither have PTSD. BUT that doesn't change that I have to fix things I don't even know how to begin fixing.
And if it wasn't for this deadline and all else, I'm partial to doing impatient to be honest. But I am who I am, where I am, and therefore I must solve this.
 
Prioritize. Focus 20 minutes on the work. Take 5 minutes break. I'm homeless and I thought it'll be the end of the world. I prepared to live on the streets. Actually I seeked out to live on the streets but I found support and a decent shelter. It's not perfect but could be worse. I'm on disability allowance now and in college (for free; in fact, I'll soon get paid because of going to college). If you can work that's great. For me, I found it impossible due to my mental breakdown (as my trauma therapist has put it). Keep going. Breath. If it helps, use a mindfulness meditation app to take breaks (like Healthy Minds) and use a Pomodoro timer to be warned when to take a timeout. If you can do more than 20 minutes at a time, go for it. Every 5 small breaks take a longer 10-15 minutes break. Do this for each subtask of the bigger task.
 
I'm homeless and I thought it'll be the end of the world. I prepared to live on the streets. Actually I seeked out to live on the streets but I found support and a decent shelter. It's not perfect but could be worse. I'm on disability allowance now and in college (for free; in fact, I'll soon get paid because of going to college).
Wow! Respect for still making it! It does really feel like the end of the world. As someone who never moved apartments even until I was 18, it does seem like one of the scariest things I can imagine, short of my trauma. But I can't think of that yet. There's more work to do before I have to think about that... I hope/pray.
 
Epic catastrophising!

Not homeless today. Not starving today. It’s actually a work deadline that’s causing the panic, yeah? The closer it gets, the bigger the panic gets. The bigger the other problems get (even though they haven’t actually changed today).

I think most of us have our own favourite cognitive distortion that our brains looooove to pull out and flood us with when things are particularly stressful. Once this work project is done, it may be worthwhile tackling that cognitive distortion head on - my own experience is that the pattern will keep repeating until that issue is dealt with.

There are ways to overcome being crippled by cognitive distortions. And definitely worthwhile, because this won’t be the last time that a cognitive distortion turns your whole world on end.

Which isn’t me saying you have nothing to be stressed about. Or that your life is easy. But the things that your brain is turning into catastrophes haven’t happened today, and aren’t things that you can actually even deal with today.

The problem with cognitive distortions is they very successfully create incredibly devastating inner experiences irrespective of whether the external situation is or isn’t problematic, and prevent us from actually getting on with the things we need to do to keep us on track.

I’ve been homeless. It was shit. But it isn’t what you are dealing with today. When your brain decides to pick up the “homeless and broke” grenade? Notice, and make the choice to put it back down so you can get on with here and now.
 
Epic catastrophising!

Not homeless today. Not starving today. It’s actually a work deadline that’s causing the panic, yeah? The closer it gets, the bigger the panic gets. The bigger the other problems get (even though they haven’t actually changed today).

I think most of us have our own favourite cognitive distortion that our brains looooove to pull out and flood us with when things are particularly stressful. Once this work project is done, it may be worthwhile tackling that cognitive distortion head on - my own experience is that the pattern will keep repeating until that issue is dealt with.

There are ways to overcome being crippled by cognitive distortions. And definitely worthwhile, because this won’t be the last time that a cognitive distortion turns your whole world on end.

Which isn’t me saying you have nothing to be stressed about. Or that your life is easy. But the things that your brain is turning into catastrophes haven’t happened today, and aren’t things that you can actually even deal with today.

The problem with cognitive distortions is they very successfully create incredibly devastating inner experiences irrespective of whether the external situation is or isn’t problematic, and prevent us from actually getting on with the things we need to do to keep us on track.

I’ve been homeless. It was shit. But it isn’t what you are dealing with today. When your brain decides to pick up the “homeless and broke” grenade? Notice, and make the choice to put it back down so you can get on with here and now.
Thank you for this! Catastrophasing is definitely something I do. I have been afraid multiple times in my life and informally I have deduced that the more I have been afraid of something, the less likely it has been that a) it happens as catastrophally as I feared b) I have coped aleveything this far even as it hasn't been always fun. Thanks for reminding us that most of the catastrophising occurs on things that we can't deal with today. Because if we could deal with right away, we would and be done with it.
 
Not homeless today. Not starving today. It’s actually a work deadline that’s causing the panic, yeah? The closer it gets, the bigger the panic gets. The bigger the other problems get (even though they haven’t actually changed today).
Thank you for the reminder, actually. It helped for a moment. I feel so shaky and wobbly. It's stupid, but you can really get yourself wrapped up in fear if you think something really bad will happen in a few days and you think- well, few days, what will that change... And it gets so bad you can't function. I've been in waves of it ever since the actual talk last week when I was in danger of being evicted... there was a brief relief when I wasn't (yet) and then it hit me again.

my own experience is that the pattern will keep repeating until that issue is dealt with.
Thing is I know this pattern, it has happened before, only... I thought I solved it. I really did. I thought I figured out the reason I do it, so it won't happen anymore- and since my situation is worse practically, now this is making it worse than ever.
How do I fight that feeling?

Epic catastrophising!
I know, I do that! Yet, being aware is weirdly not helping me.... Neither is the immobilizing fear preventing me from being able to cope better and have to push to work every piece I actually manage....
 
Thing is I know this pattern, it has happened before, only... I thought I solved it. I really did. I thought I figured out the reason I do it, so it won't happen anymore- and since my situation is worse practically, now this is making it worse than ever.
How do I fight that feeling?
In my own experience you befriend the feeling rather than fight it. CBT may help and then mindfulness: "of course I'm scared. It is because I care". This may alleviate the pressure and let you return to work.
 
This may alleviate the pressure and let you return to work.
I like the sentence. I will continue using it as the anxiety comes today.
I'm working already, but the thing is I am too behind, and at the rate I'm working for, while finishing tomorrow evening gives me most chances- I may actually finish Tuesday which is a risk, And with the nature of the work I can't tell for sure.
I'm running out of okay-ish food tonight, I have oatmeal with water for breakfast for few days, nothing to flavour it. I also have rice I can cook, with just spices. Hopefully an old bullioun cube or some soy sauce left. That is why the deadline is so scary. OH! I have dealt with being late on deadline, but still not with the trigger of running out of food (even after surviving some time on questionable amounts). Probably something to break down, but for now it goes in the box for after I get paid.

For today I'm trying the one thing at a time deal. Sadly work is still too slow for what I wish it could be, but if I can work late into the night and from early morning tomorrow I have a shot. Not sure if in this state I can do that. Somewhere I have printed CBT sheets I'll try to utilize. Is there an android app maybe good for that? I'm bad with 0 cash, I'm fighting the urge of pawning my one new-ish useful electronic(phone) and it won't even be for that much. I'll keep fighting it.
 
For today I'm trying the one thing at a time deal. Sadly work is still too slow for what I wish it could be, but if I can work late into the night and from early morning tomorrow I have a shot. Not sure if in this state I can do that. Somewhere I have printed CBT sheets I'll try to utilize. Is there an android app maybe good for that? I'm bad with 0 cash, I'm fighting the urge of pawning my one new-ish useful electronic(phone) and it won't even be for that much. I'll keep fighting it.
My advice is to go all in on your work. Block out all distractions. If you feel overwhelmed, use some breathing exercises (4 seconds in, 4 seconds pause, 6 seconds out, 4 seconds pause) - focus on the out breath. Do this a few times then resume work. Don't forget to take a break if you see that the output of your effort is diminishing. 5 minutes break can invigorate and keep you going.
 
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