I'm stuck...

[abovedown]

My back is a little better, but not better enough. :( I'm officially working on the couch.

Also working as a concept has become much harder, not sure how to fix that.

I sometimes work from couch but I have found that having a pillow or two behind my back helps not to get sore back

 

[Defaultxlove]

Hey thinking of you @SeekingAfrica

Prayers. How you doing?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Hey thinking of you @SeekingAfrica

Prayers. How you doing?

Thank you so much. Holding on. Knowing the pace I'm going I'll be done tomorrow or Tuesday with the deadline.

I explained to one of the payments and that way okay. I messaged the client and a still no response so I have to pray I'll be paid on time.
I made a mistake when I was sending the partial payment and now food is an issue again, but at the very least my breakfast is ensured, and I can deal with the rest.
I am working with some blankets and pillows on the couch and trying to concentrate on one piece at a time.

Today I need to make one more of the hard calls to find out information on a payment, so hope that goes well.
I had some food money that got pre-approved paid to subscription I had cancelled 2 months ago, so I'm trying to get a refund.

I'm a mess, but I am a little bit better mentally then this weekend.
I consider it a blessing,. Every other worry that doesn't apply to these few days and doesn't serve me in completing this deadline, for now I'm trying to chunk in a box to the side and deal with after.
Now it's all about my back, my deadline, and several uncomfortable chat or phone conversations.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

So my phone credit cut off in the middle of waiting for one of those calls about payments I have to make.
Now I have to use email and pray it is seen on time.

Totally distracts me from what is important today.
But I'll try to put that in that box of things I can't change so have to ignore for the time being.

 

[Defaultxlove]

Do you have WiFi? Text now is a free app you can get a number quick and make more calls

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Do you have WiFi? Text now is a free app you can get a number quick and make more calls

Is it International? I am not in the US and many such services are.
I'll check it out soon. It's so hard to not feel depressed today for some reason, just as it felt I was gaining momentum.
But I'm trying.

 

[Defaultxlove]

I understand I’m also struggling but we just need to do what we know works. Not sure about the app but it’s “text now” there’s other ones similar names the worst part is sometimes there’s ads but I just use it for people I wanna keep at a distance lol

Hugs and love. One thing at a time

 

[SeekingAfrica]

we just need to do what we know works.

Does that feel like enough? Maybe I am feeling better if I have the energy to question this. But while I'm working, pacing myself and trying to finish this deadline days are passing by and I feel I should be working a side job. But I can't I think I can't. But I have to. Else I'll get paid, pay everything due and have to figure out this additional payments and new jobs situation then.
I'm afraid of staying poor forever.

Not sure what is off today. Yesterday it felt like I was just starting to figure things out and now it's back to questioning. There is something a friend said that is stuck with my head, something about nothing having changed in her situation but feeling like something is off and knowing it's time for a change. That's how I feel about my finances. That deadline is impossibly hard until I finish it- but yet when I do, it's still just a patch on a bigger problem.
Shouldn't I make a very detailed plan for then? I get an anxiety attack every time I have to pay anything, I need a chnage.
Then again, working on the couch still (though today is better).
I wish I could start my jewelry gig again, but I guess that may wait til the payment from this gig. Somehow I feel it's something I can do. I mean, once I get supplies again. If I managed when I was barely functional when I first got PTSD, it's the best thing to do know with a lot more knowledge.

I just... this deadline takes days and I need something to look forward to while the hours pass. Something to make me feel alive.

Hugs and love. One thing at a time

Will do my best. Never my specialty except in a crisis. I tend to think of everything simultaneously. But I'm trying cause otheriwse I'll be off to bed doing nothing because it's too much.
So one thing at a time.
Pushing forward.

Sending hugs.

 

[Defaultxlove]

Does that feel like enough?

no naturally it really doesn't feel like enough, my T really helped me though. when I first started having seizures & I felt grounded by drs to bed rest. missed a whole spring season in my bed. I have learned it is enough though. our best is enough. doing what works for us is exactly how we get to a more organized place. obviously not saying anything goes such as stealing etc. random manic thought but...yeah. discipline is pain is progress

But I can't I think I can't. But I have to

about a side job..I know you are really creative and could find something

I'm afraid of staying poor forever.

I understand this but you have the power to change that and Ill pray you find opportunity. I have been broke broke before & its painful. God really is how I got through it trusting that Id be provided for & I always was.

but yet when I do, it's still just a patch on a bigger problem.

well sort of...possibly a bit of a negative way of looking at it? not attacking you just wondering for you.

Shouldn't I make a very detailed plan for then?

not right now. but a good idea for later ?

I get an anxiety attack every time I have to pay anything

this seems important. for me my attachment to money is looking at it as a tool. a friend and I call it "rake money"
if I have a rake & you need it..you can use my rake.

money is a tool. & I mention this because sometimes men & women attach their worth or self to their income & thats not valid

I wish I could start my jewelry gig again, but I guess that may wait til the payment from this gig.

this is interesting! & you seem passionate about it.

I need something to look forward to while the hours pass. Something to make me feel alive.

what makes you feel alive? as I keep writing I realize this is a lot. not to burden you <3

So one thing at a time.
Pushing forward.

yep & with you!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

.I know you are really creative and could find something

I have found 2 things, I thought so, but neither is working in the current circumstance. I hope I find it.

but you have the power to change that and Ill pray you find opportunity.

Well over the last 10 years I have found many ways to survive and keep pushing forward, but very rarely was I close to actual big change. Few times I was and it slipped away under me. That's why I wish I had a side thing that was enough to not worry from sudden changes, especially in current economy.

well sort of...possibly a bit of a negative way of looking at it? not attacking you just wondering for you.

Well, maybe. Thinking of this as just a patch on a bigger issue is both objective and negative or positive depending on what you take of it, I guess. You can take it as a lot of work to still barely start... or as the first step to change. I do find lately that with this job I have started getting negative about it and I need to change it, but obviously need something else stable before that.

money is a tool. & I mention this because sometimes men & women attach their worth or self to their income & thats not valid

I think I do that, attach my worth to my current ability to make a living with the money I have, hence if I have a moment with nothing-- that's not good. I'll try to rewire that.

this is interesting! & you seem passionate about it.

Well... I am. I was in the middle of the worst time of my life (away from everyone I know, the time I got PTSD and going broke and without a computer even to seek work or smart phone, just 30min library time daily). I wandered in crafts store with no solution, I couldn't draw because of the state I was in but I knew I was creative. Even when my lungs felt they will burn out from the pressure and I had nightmares all the time, and I wasn't safe- I knew that once upon a time I was creative. I read a few pages of random book on making jewelry for beginners while in the store. Couldn't buy the book, but bough the main tools and some starter beads and things... And I learned to make them myself from memory, no youtube, no google, no instagram at the time, no knowledge of Etsy or social media. I'd never sold craft in my life. It didn't help that summer, but in the next few years, at my worst, I slowly added a thing here and there, back to youtube, I learned a thing or 2 more... eventually, I was making occasional sales there. On almost no knowledge, no goal, no promise, no nothing, just a random idea that came to me. Of course, since I knew very little and it didn't yield the impossible results I wanted, for years I felt like I failed at that venture.
Truth is, I set impossible standards over something I barely knew anything about, while in impossible circumstances.

So yeah, I am passionate about it. And it's the only thing I've found beyond physical work that I can still do at my worst.
And now I have a lot more knowledge on all the things mentioned above, and internet, and computer.... I would have given everything to have that when I did it back then. But I survived, and off of something I'd never done in my life before that. But I was depressed, I didn't have a clue what PTSD was, so at some point, I gave up all my supplied and chucked it as a huge failure. This year when I was organizing old notebooks I found sketches of earrings and necklaces and for a minute there I could see having a store again so clearly. Now, with a lot more knowledge and direction. But I have to get some starting money for supplies. Hence, need to finish this deadline. And decide that I'm good enough to spare 50 to invest in myself. That I'm worth it.

what makes you feel alive? as I keep writing I realize this is a lot.

It is a lot. I used to know so clearly and now everything is foggy.
Ballet keeps me living, keeps me feeling me, but at this moment it's not what makes me feel alive.
I honestly have no answer.

Only telling you about my potential craft store- that made feel alive for a moment. How stupid is that? Can't do much with that right now.
Need to think ore about it.

Anyway. Deadline was fine until I got so sleepy I face-planted on my bed and couldn't make myself move my body for half an hour (awake) so yeah... Things are imperfect.
Still here.

 

[Defaultxlove]

This year when I was organizing old notebooks I found sketches of earrings and necklaces and for a minute there I could see having a store again so clearly. Now, with a lot more knowledge and direction. But I have to get some starting money for supplies. Hence, need to finish this deadline. And decide that I'm good enough to spare 50 to invest in myself. That I'm worth it.

Idk what happened to the quote lol but I absolutely love this!

Only telling you about my potential craft store- that made feel alive for a moment. How stupid is that?

Not stupid at all, I enjoyed reading about it. I’m excited for you and on the plus side you do have clear goals and at one point I couldn’t even think of any.

Yay we will get through!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Defaultxlove Are there such people in your life too? Just talked to my parents as we have weekly arranged calls to catch up/make sure things are fine. Talked to my mom and got a list of everything wrong on their side of things. It made me feel like I can't breathe.

I can barely cope with my own crisis, I can't handle anything on top of it.
Especially that I made the mistake of being honest of being in a bad state and planning to maybe invest in myself and get things started in a jewelry shop again... and the response was as I expected- the idea that I shouldn't because I'm not sure I'll get any return. I told her it's better than doing nothing and expecting return but the whole call I had to hold my chest, it feels like I can't breathe, like all of their problems are on top of my own and I'm way too late in the game to hope for anything... like it broke me.

I mean I told them what state I'm in. Mental health wise. Telling me how bad off they are is not motivational right now, it's sinking me deeper, I can't think of all the hopes they had for me being together to be able to support them, I can't. I am barely starting to hope for myself and it's all so fragile. I can't. I can't. It's just, I love them, but I can't right now. I mean I have a friend with a family in a war zone and another who had a tumor and life is a lot right now and I have to put on my own mask on first to help anyone else. I just can't be... I can't be more right now. I have to save me to save anyone else. I'm barely managing my food, financial and health concerns, I just can't...