I'm stuck...

[SeekingAfrica]

I thought I had passed the really bad point and now it's really bad again.
I'm so exhausted of trying to finish this deadline.

If I had any pull right now, anyone who wasn't in differently bad situations, I would use it. If I had any options for loans now I'd use it.
If I had any jokers up my sleeve, I would use them. Because I can't go down without a fight.

I don't care my age or circumstance. I have to be bigger than them.
I have to start a side gig. I have to take my mental health seriously enough to talk to someone. I have to accept my situation and fight to change it.
I've been bad before. I've made horrible mistakes and lived with them before. If we are going there, I need to do everything in my power to fight for the life I do have.

Deadline is going slow. But I'm doing my best, given that I crumbled just now.
I want to start something. With everything in my power, I want to take charge of all that is happening.
For now all I have power over is doing chunks of work at a time. And that is all there is. And making sure I eat and sleep and all that. That's harder to accept.
It feels like change is needed yesterday. Trying to live with that feeling. I don't like it. Any joker, any card I had extra to play, I'd play it now,. It's time for many changes.

Still here.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I have a computer if old. I have a phone. I have internet. Now is the moment for big changes, but I'm all out of fight.

I allowed myself some days for this deadline, made a deal with myself. All I need to finish today is 2 files.
Big, take a whole day files but still. But I woke up and I feel in fog. Parts of the past seem closer, the present seems blurry.
I don't know why I am still here. But I am.

 

[LuckiLee]

If you had put in 40 hours a week from the day you received the assignment would you have made your deadline?

Start treating this "deadline" like a job. Monday through Friday. 8 to 10 hours a day. 9 to 5, two 15 minute breaks and a half hour lunch. You need a structured schedule. Up at 8. Shower. Dress. Start work at 9....

You're working from home? That would be it's own nightmare for my J. Not leaving the house is a sure sign of depression for him. Too easy to ruminate about "things".

Can you work at a park or library or café occasionally?

Other than a million dollars what do you need to stay focused?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

You're working from home?

Yes. Currently working on the couch half-sitting because of sciatica. Surely doesn't help.

Not leaving the house is a sure sign of depression for him.

Who is J? Definitely beyond depressed. Very, very depressed and hard on myself on top of it. But being aware is weirdly not helping me.

Can you work at a park or library or café occasionally?

Not at the moment. Can't pay for anything right now, I have 0 in my bank account. Don't have a car and closest library is way too far by foot on my best day.
Unless I finish, nothing moves forward.

If you had put in 40 hours a week from the day you received the assignment would you have made your deadline?

I mean we are way passed the original deadline, but as far as the extended one, probably so, yes.

8 to 10 hours a day. 9 to 5, two 15 minute breaks and a half hour lunch. You need a structured schedule. Up at 8. Shower. Dress. Start work at 9....

That was the dream. I haven't - it's been bad for a while, pulling regular hours from my couch seems.... I don't know. Everything is foggy. I can't concentrate for hours at a time, I'm doing half hour pomodoros at the moment. I know schedule would help but I'm just so tired. I used to do it all, the schedule, routines, self cre, work, was finally working full time even if it was from home, was looking for local jobs, getting healthier and the BAM....
Blew up in my face again and now it's hard to pull myself out of that state. The last month broke me, how do I reestablish such routine if focusing for 30min is A TASK and everything hurts and I have lost direction and hope? I know it sounds stupid, it sounds like just follow the direction and you'll get out but this is going on too long and I'm not sure I know which way is up. There was a time when I followed all that and it worked and then it all just got so unbelievably hard again.

 

[LuckiLee]

J is my combat veteran significant other.

 

[Sideways]

how do I reestablish such routine if focusing for 30min is A TASK and everything hurts and I have lost direction and hope?

For a long time, during the worst part of my depression, I had a daily timetable for myself, with hour by hour planned out. It meant I had something to follow, and points throughout the day to hit restart and refocus. It had fixed break times, that I had to try and take legitimate breaks (which was surprisingly hard), time set aside for meals, time for knuckling down and focusing, time for exercise, the whole lot.

It wasn’t the goal to follow the plan exactly. The idea was that the brutal hopelessness and pointlessness of it all had much less to hold onto. Because every hour, there was something that I had to refocus on. I got through each painful day one hour at a time. And when that got easier, I got through each day, one painful day at a time.

Things did get better. Definitely, working on behavioural changes, in spite of how I felt and how useless my brain was, was critical to me. I largely behaved my way out of depression, rather than thinking or feeling my way out of it.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Because every hour, there was something that I had to refocus on. I got through each painful day one hour at a time. And when that got easier, I got through each day, one painful day at a time.

Mine probably has to start with 30 min boxes rather than an hour- or is that too small? But thank you for the reminder. I think when I have schedule by hour and miss something on it, the mind starts to shut me down. I start negative self-talk and abandon it.
Thank you for the reminder that it's not a point to follow to a t, but to have something to refocus on. I will try.

Things did get better. Definitely, working on behavioural changes, in spite of how I felt and how useless my brain was, was critical to me.

Thank you for the reminder for 2 reasons:
1. I need the focus to finish the deadline and also it would seem- since it's taking me longer than before, I believe I need to start working on side jobs or applying for such, and working on my online store before I have finished. An hour or 2 per day- right? I would anyway lose that in breaks and self-doubt. It's time to work towards something more than just not starving (though that is obviously an important thing)

2. I need to snap out of the depression funk.
Since I've been stuck on this deadline I've barely talked to anyone, worked from home, didn't clean or do laundry, barely got in sweats, didn't take care of myself. Didn't go for a walk, didn't listen to music, or read, or journal or sleep well or exercise... basically I was depressed but that's the situation where all those things I don't do also make the situation worse. I'll do my best to ....can't snap out of it, but to schedule some things other than work in hopes also more work will get done.
All my breaks this week have been youtube, which isn't great. I mean could be worse judging by what I was thinking, but definitely not the best.
To be fair, I believe due to the stress, my sciatica was an issue again, I got an infection and also was coughing... I think that's my body's way to protest at the quality of life.

 

[Sideways]

. I need to snap out of the depression funk.

If it were me, I’d abandon the idea that there’s a quick fix, or that “If I just…”, or that this is something you can snap out of.

This is an illness, and you can no more “snap out of” depression than you can “snap out of” having the flu.

That’s where the behavioural stuff comes in. If you have a realistic plan for the day, and the week, 30-minute intervals if that’s where you need to start - then you start to make the slow shift out of depression.

You won’t snap out of it today. Or tomorrow. So planning based on the idea that “tomorrow I’m just gonna work harder” isn’t going to work.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

If you have a realistic plan for the day, and the week, 30-minute intervals if that’s where you need to start - then you start to make the slow shift out of depression.

I don't know how to make a realistic plan (what I know I can actually do) when I am so scared though,,,

You won’t snap out of it today. Or tomorrow. So planning based on the idea that “tomorrow I’m just gonna work harder” isn’t going to work.

So how do I plan? My resources are getting thinner and thinner and thinner and one of these days they will run out.
Meanwhile, my job is not the kind of job I finish in 2 days whatever I want to believe and pushing myself to do so has pushed me into deeper depression I think.
The only options I see are: working as much as I can to finish the job I have asap, and when I can't- to work on a side gig so that whatever gets paid first, good.
Or Pawning my phone so I have something- but then I'm left with a really old laptop and as I work online that is not a good position.
Or I keep tryng to hold out from everything else until I finish the deadline but since I'm so anxious I want to throw up it keeps moving further....

I'm in full hypervigilance mode and working makes me nauseous.
Not even sure which option I would choose for side hustle or how I would structure my day.
Yesterday I got scared and lost few hours to dissociation. All my systems are out of order, everything is messy and bright and intrustive and concentrating when I'm this scared is really hard. I'd give anything to not be me. Or at least the me right now.
But I am me, so... how do I find a way forward?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Ugh, I just realised in all my feelings yesterday, I mixed up 2 files and I have spent a whole day working on the wrong thing, not great.... Trying to pace myself.

 

[Sideways]

Hello Catastrophising! You slide into the conversation soooo easily!!!

Which isn’t me making light of your situation, but hitting pause on that endless chain of catastrophes your brain keeps coming up with.

I had the benefit of spending way too much time in hospital, and my daily plan matched the hospital timetable (and largely still does).

5am: get up and exercise
6am: breakfast and coffee
7am: tidy up and get ready for work, travel to work
8am: start work
Etc etc

1) Start with the easy ones: the time you get up, and the time you go to bed.
2) Add meal times, at good intervals throughout the day
3) add a couple of tea breaks
4) add some exercise
5) add some guided relaxation
6) add down time in the evening
7) add work hours around all that

It’s not about due dates, and starting with them and working backwards. It’s the opposite.

What must I get done each day to survive the mental illness I live with? Work has to fit in with that, not the other way around.

Because if you try and fit in the important stuff around work, very quickly you end up not getting anything done. The only reason I can show up at work at all is because I spend so much friggin time each day doing the self-care essentials. I’d looove to get more work in each day…but without the self-care, I end up not being able to work at all.

Which is definitely worse!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Because if you try and fit in the important stuff around work, very quickly you end up not getting anything done. The only reason I can show up at work at all is because I spend so much friggin time each day doing the self-care essentials. I’d looove to get more work in each day…but without the self-care, I end up not being able to work at all

I honestly admire what you do. Right now I'm at such a war with myself and I am doing my best, but everything hurts. I mean this also in a physical sense, from stress and all that. So much of me feels like I am my problem, which is a problem.

Which isn’t me making light of your situation, but hitting pause on that endless chain of catastrophes your brain keeps coming up with.

I know. Just my whole being feels like those catastrophes are ... justified. Like that I have legitimately ruined things... but I am trying to counter that today.
It's working somewhat, though of course there is the voice 'if you could have done that a week ago...'
But at least I am getting something done, it's something.

It’s not about due dates, and starting with them and working backwards. It’s the opposite.

I am trying that today. Definitely more productive yesterday, though the chatter at the back of my mind hasn't stopped.
It's not working smoothly hour to hour but I am still getting something more done, which is a start.