I'm Tired - Why Isn't Suicide A Solution?

[StrongHeart]

You are not alone, keifer. You are part of a network now of both people who suffer like you and people who are supporters. Having a romantic attachment is not a necessary part of life. The necessary part of life is self-love, and once you attain that, it will be easier for others to get close to you. I love that you took the name of your wolf. Wolves are beautiful creatures.

 

[Springer80]

Hi kiefer, hope you can get some sleep and let yourself feel rested tomorrow. Best wishes from the UK.

 

[WendyMay]

Hey Keifer,

Just so you realize, you don't know you'll never find the woman of your dreams. I know you feel alone right now; so do I. I am 43 years old. I feel as lonely and hopeless as you. But if I look down the "road," as Willycat so articulately drew for us, I see possibilities. Maybe if you look down your "road," you'll see that love is possible, and that you are getting through a tough time right now of loss. You might just want to escape. But it's not worth hurting yourself. You are worth so much more than that. Live in the day, though. One of them. you will find that wonderful woman you are looking for. Heal first, OK?

Wendy

 

[Everhopeful]

Oh Keifer, your postings remind me so much of my Sufferer. He talks and feels the same way. So many people the world over who live a life of desperate pain, who have seen such trauma. And everyone feeling so alone in their agony. Unable to function and misunderstood by society. But not everyone misunderstands. There are people who truly "get it". I wish for you and all others in trauma and unbearable pain that you encounter someone who "gets" you. This Forum is an excellent place for that.

 

[keifer]

Maybe if you look down your "road," you'll see that love is possible, and that you are getting through a tough time right now of loss.

I can't see my road. I feel like I'm still in survival mode. I think about what I need to get done at work tomorrow. I just try to live each day with being tired all the time it seems like.

 

[Britt.f7]

This is what I think, no one knows for sure what happens on the other side. Perhaps it is an ending. Perhaps it is not but a continuance of our pain that we did not push through on this side. That is what I tell myself, among other things to keep me pushing on, no matter how tired I get. Sometimes it makes a difference.

I tried killing myself once and woke up. I felt that it was my second chance at life. Last year was my third chance. I'm just now realizing that. Actually, every day is a chance to live. It is taking that chance that is the hardest.

 

[Justpassintime]

I see you've gotten quite a few good ideas for how to cope, and I hope by now perhaps it has passed and now you are better.

I have only two things that weren't mentioned, well it's one really but like a fork in the road.

You can try and it fails - trust me that just tends to piss you off more then you were before.

It doesn't always work but leaves you really messed up - my cousin shot himself with a 9mm and severed his optic nerve and recovered from that quickly only to get a really bad infection in his brain which he again survived. He lost a year of his life recovering and is blind in one eye. Not sure I'd want to go through that.

The way I see it after several attempts and several incidents where I should have died, but wasn't really trying to get to that goal, I'm going to be here until I am not and then I won't be.

Just some food for thought from the really weird path LOL

 

[keifer]

I've wrote myself a journal saying why it's important to live, followed by one where I won't be missed. At times, I wish, I didn't get help. I'd have shot myself; 12gauge doesn't leave room for error, most days are better.

I was very angry today and had to leave work early. I just watched TV and cried, then took a 3 hour walk with my bad knee and cane where I cried for the first two hours. I have no idea what I cried about, could have been a few things, nothing I could pinpoint.

 

[Justpassintime]

Omg that sucks doesn't it? I hate that. I hate to cry and then on top of that to cry for no reason? Ugh, I get it. I have done neither of those things, but my reasons include my kids (children whose parent's commit suicide have a 50% greater chance of doing it themselves), not wanting anyone to find that, and my method that works best (as those two don't always) is when I feel suicidal I will pick a date in the future, typically about three months away and say I will do it that day. It seems to kick my brain off the obsession like in some weird way it's satisfied you know? And then I make a point to commit to doing things for others around that time, or I consider holidays or whatever.

Typically when that date rolls around I 've forgotten OR I have some commitment and GOD FORBID I disappoint anyone so then I can't do it. I've never actually had the perfect storm where none of that matters and I'm still in that cycle of wanting to. I also have a contractual annual agreement with someone I trust my life with and I must call them before I hurt myself. You will note that they do not nor do I agree to NOT do it, I just have to physically speak with them on phone. All of these things help, they may not be the ultimate healthy choice, but they work for me, I hope you might try them and I 'll consider journaling as well.

 

[Everhopeful]

I hope you find healing Keifer.

 

[mamachick]

I have been spiraling downhill for a few weeks. First, my insurance took all the payments that they had paid to my therapist for the year back, stating she was not "in plan". Evidently, they have drummed up and "in plan" where the therapist has to pay to be a member or something. So even though they approved the visits, they took money back. While I was appealing that, I went to fill my anti depressant, and they took that away. The cost is $225. They gave me a different me, and each day I felt worse. A couple hours after taking it I would feel like my head was going to blow off and parts of my face were numb. I went to a blood pressure machine and it was 184/104. The staff suggested I go to ER. I did. It eventually came down-after I took xanax I had in my purse but it was still high when I left. So I quit taking the anti depressant several days ago. Each day the suicide thoughts get worse. The nightmares are worse. Last night I went and paid the $225 with a check and am trying how to get money to put in.

I know I would be better gone, I just dont have any guns for that reason. I am afraid of botching it. My best idea is jumping in front of a semi on the highway. Im afraid he would swerve and someone else would get hit. I know my family would be glad for me to be gone, especially my husband who does not want to share assets with me.

Now that I am back on my anti depressant, in a couple of weeks I will be feeling better. Until the next time the insurance pulls the rug out from under me. They do this at least once a year and it feels like Im not even suppose to be able to survive.

 

[Britt.f7]

Insurance companies make me so mad! They play with your life at times. Please don't give into them. Hopefully the anti depressant will work sooner rather then later. I'm sorry you don't have support of family. I didn't think I would, last year when I was to the point you are, and they surprised me. I hope the same for you. Hugs if you accept them. Sorry, they are strong, but safe ones always.