I'm Tired - Why Isn't Suicide A Solution?

[keifer]

I didn't get a dog.

 

[keifer]

When I said, I'm going back, I'm getting my knee re-scoped. It's just painful to walk on with the shooting pain up and down my leg at times. The quality of my life at 44 makes me feel like 94. I found a surgeon who said I could be awake and watch the procedure. I figured it was my best chance to get this fixed. I don't know if I'm ready or not but I know logically, it's needs to be fixed.

I scheduled the surgery. I know I can also cancel it or stop it at anytime. I need that feeling of control and power. I know this will be very hard to go through again. I will have to go through the same experience which brought me here in the first place.

The nightmares and flashbacks need to stop. I'd rather be dead than live with them. That is probably why I keep finding this long thread when my brain is on overload.

I don't plan to volunteer. I'm retiring and have very little use for people. I find the most peace I have is when I'm alone in the woods. I'd rather be around wolves than people.

One thing that I find odd is I can handle seeing and knowing women and children blown to bits, but I can't handle when I'm violated out of my control. I just can't go through that again and want to live.

 

[novemberDark]

Keifer I got one question, did you blow them up? I'm sure you didnt cause you say you had to watch,than let them go. For f...k l sakes let them go. Everyone deserves to be free.

 

[novemberDark]

I hope you get another dog and good you get you're leg fixed so you can walk the woods ( don't try run with the wolves).

Keep moving ( if you'll take it)

 

[keifer]

I just stand by the aftermath, watch and say nothing. It isn't the event that caused my PTSD. There are other factors in the dead kids event to which I'm just told to stand down when it's wrong with what happened. So I say nothing. I know it's wrong to watch and do nothing but I'm just as guilty when I do nothing. I'm thinking of what options I have. It can be a career killer when you whistle blow on such events as then you are painted as the bad guy.

 

[keifer]

They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. PTSD isn't a temporary problem. I caught myself yet again at the grocery store. A young guy who was shopping just happened to approach me from behind which caught me off guard. I glanced over my shoulder just to evaluate him as calculated a back-fist strike to kill him. I deemed him no threat and continued to shop. They said it was suppose to get better but it all lies under my skin ever watchful and ready.

I will have to live with this for the rest of my life.

 

[Bedbug]

@keifer, I'm glad to read that you are getting your knee fixed. I hope that, as well as helping with the pain, this surgery also helps you to deal with some of the stuff you've been struggling with since your last surgery. Is the surgeon aware of your PTSD?

 

[keifer]

I guess as I told the nurse. I wasn't planning on surgery but after I got his opinion, I asked him about anesthesia options. I can have a local and if need be, spinal if the pain becomes to great. I have a cheat sheet made, with notes on it as I get very forgetful now under stress. It has my desires on it and it will be attached to my consent form. My sister will also have a copy just in case they lose it. there will be no sedation and no mind affecting drugs, period; I don't care how much pain.

 

[novemberDark]

They say a lot of things about suicide.

There is also such a thing as emotional suicide.

I can't say anything either and it doesn't have to do with career.

Even if rules of engagement are dropped, it results in the same pain.

 

[keifer]

I still have my 12ga to clean this weekend. I brought slugs with it to. The thought does run through my mind. I don't want to live with this any longer. If they did nothing wrong, then what I need to do to end this pain, will not be wrong either.

 

[novemberDark]

In the now, not need to do anything. Get the damn leg fixed is al to do now.

And another question why didn't you get the baby wolf?

 

[keifer]

I felt the timing was poor. If I become gimp for 2 months again, I won't be able to care for one. I'm also looking at a job in Alaska, and they do not allow wolf pups as pets.