I'm Trying To Call This An Accomplishment & Success...

[lostforgottensoul]

So, to not make this super super long, Im gonna try to quickly sum things up, please let me know if you arent following.

I grew up in a cult head by my mom & step dad, been in therapy for 7 yrs, caused a ton of drama here (mirroring my internal drama and totally not on purpose), blame shifted min Jan this year (I cant believe it was just last Jan), forced time away from the site was the best thing for me, attempting to shift the rage off me and onto them, not sure if i fully have.

But this entire time, 10 yrs in denial, 7 yrs in therapy and just 4 months on this site, ive moved blame, shifting rage AND this whole time there was this THICK wall between me and my past. Ive always been numb to it, talked about it mono-toned, "no big deal" until just a few days ago. Two days in a row I found myself for the first time having massive pain and crying for someone and realized that im thinking also of my own past, im feeling pain and crying over my own past! Really??? Thats insane progress; especially if think that just a few months ago I was saying it was all my fault, i deserved it (still struggling with that), I caused it, it was justified, ragging at myself etc.

The fact that I can feel pain at all, or anything but self hatred and self rage, is amazing and its insanly amazing that im finding myself feeling pain and crying (and i dont cry) for my own past.

Im getting to the core, the core to all of this! If not at the core, I close enough to feel the massive pain there! That I call progress and I also am wanting to call that some success!

Ive always been trying as hard as I can but the beginning of it all was shifting blame, until that I was mainly running in fast tight circles, taking a small step here or there but mostly running as fast as I can in a tight circle. Once I shifted blame, Ive been running just as hard but I was running straight this time!

Still baffled that its only been a few months from blame shift to where I am now but I can say (which I would have never said before the blame shift) there is a bright light at the end of this tunnel and Im running straight to it! It does get better!

 

[angrypanda]

I'm so glad you're feeling better and while those huge shifts are super uncomfortable they are incredibly powerful! While reading your post I thought "she's finally entered the grief cycle". You're starting to feel those actual emotions. Anger, grief, depression, and so on. Congrats on finding your way to an awesome path leading to recovery! :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @angrypanda ! Was a long way there but if you look back on how far ive moved since the blame shift, in just 3 months...not even as the blame shift happened right around Jan 15th ish. I looked once but dont feel like looking again. But its UNREAL how far ive moved in that short of time!

Apparently the other 6 yrs and 7 months ive been :banghead: lol. Sad but true. I couldnt get why i was running and trying so hard but going no where.

Im dreading whats ahead, ive always known ive had to feel it all again and never wanted to and maybe that held me back. I just didnt want to feel it again and i know it will send me spinning and realing so i may want to dive in the DBT book and sort of master those skills first, or at least try to be half way good at them, because i know the storm is about to hit.

It does give me hope that once im at the core, the middle of it all, the only way to go is out...you are in your way out of a plot of woods once you're past half way.

 

[angrypanda]

Once I started feeling it was terrifying and overwhelming. I was so uncomfortable and had the emotional lability of a PMSing 13 year old girl. It's taken a year of a lot of work but now I can acknowledge my emotions, feel them, and let them pass. I'm no longer worried about drowning in my emotions.
And you are right, you have to travel to the yucky core of it all to find the way out. That's a huge shift in understanding and vulnerability! Congrats!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I lot of emotions my are haulted at the age of 12 and so i can see the emotional liabilty of a PMSing 13 yr old.

It takes practice, im sure, to acknowledge an emotions, feel it (and not react to it), and let it pass......and go deeper (or per my PTSD sourcebook). Im stuck somewhat at the acknowledge part but i think thats where im gaining ground, being able to feel more emotions...just to feel anything is new but its super new to feel it over my past.

Im terrified that when the more intense ones come, as this is already feels almost too much, if I havent mastered the DBT book, that it will take me under fast. But thats a fear and its certianly not stopping me.

Practice, practice, practice!

 

[angrypanda]

So much practice! I had to start like a child learning to identify basic feelings with "I feel statements"
Like "I feel angry" or "I feel sad". Very basic and very hard. Then when I started feeling more than one emotion at a time that was another hurdle. Then I had to learn to not fight or numb the emotion, I had feel it. I'm still learning that and it's still uncomfortable feeling all the time, but practice, practice!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I was wondering like forever ago when I was going through my PTSD sourcebook and got stuck at the 'identify emotions, feel them, let them pass, go deeper'...and the only feelings at the time, that I could get to was self hatred and self angr and I was wondering at that time if like those small child pictures of faces and emotions; maybe something like that would work.

I didnt try it back then but maybe now would be better anyway. My therapist has said more than once that it seems like he's talking to an adult and a child and he also told me that I have to teach myself some things like a child because I didnt learn it as a child.

I thought the pictures may work a bit better because most time if he asks me "what are you feeling" my answer has always been "i dont know". Maybe it will be different now?

Im too damn good at compartmentalizing my brain, which is how I work or what I do at work, and the "boxes" that all of it is in is numbed away. It is how I became as functional as I am when I was thrown into the world with no life skills; but it can work against me because when something hurts, Im used to putting it away in its "box" and numbing it away so Im trying to stop doing that when Im not at work and need to work through stuff.

Its weird to say that because most that are great at compartmentalizing are people like cops, EMTs, Firefighters...people that see bad stuff at work. I do it the opposite way so that I can work and its all numbed away, and its all automatic so thats how its working against me...but I think its something Im able to control a bit better, or becoming better at it?

Thats also the same thing I do in my therapist office automatically, as well as try my damnest to dissociate; and its starting to change there too. So hopefully thats all good and meaning that eventually I can control when I do and dont compartmentalize and hopefully one day wont have to.

Anyway, Im rambling...sorry. What do you think of the child pictures of emotions? Im sure I could find it online. Maybe if I can't name the emotion, I can through a picture? Hmmm, not sure.

Generally when Im feeling anything, its too painful to sit with it and I cant seem to let it pass so typing it out here to 'get it out' or get it out of me, seems to help. Then I can sit and look at it. I dont know, it just seems to help for some reason. But it seems like a jumble mess to others so maybe I can name the emotions in it or after in the replies.

Im sorry, Im more like thinking out loud really. Just trying to figure out how to do all of this.

Naming the emotion like that is a great idea!

 

[angrypanda]

Yes! Child pictures of emotions and list "symptoms" of the emotion. How do you explain anger to a five year old? Scowl, grumpy answers, loud voice, tight muscles, wanting to hit, ect. Sad, tears, lowered eyes, quiet voice, want to curl up in a ball, want to be held, ect.
I had to start with the basic images and "diagnose" myself based on what I'm seeing in the mirror. Then I learned to rate how strong the emotion was from 1 to 10. 10 being completely unbearable and I need to go to safe place asap. I learned to sit with a 4 and my tolerance greatly improved. I'm a nurse I approach many things objectively, sorry if that didn't make sense!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

sorry if that didn't make sense!

Makes total sense!

Not sure about the mirror thing, I cant look into mirrors but maybe I can go off of "do i want to curl in a ball, hide in my closet, etc" so im guessing thats fear? Sad I would think for me is wanting to sleep, not motivated, not wanting to do anything (or i guess thats depression but wouldnt that be close to sad?) Anger I am very good with, would want to catch it before I explode in blind rage but normally almost every emotion is cover up w/ self anger and self hatred...though trying to move the self to them, where it belongs so I think the more I do that, the more of the real emotion will show up.

I think I need to practice just naming basic emotions and non intense ones and that will help with the more intense ones that i currently cant go near. You know?

Such a great idea, thank you!

 

[angrypanda]

Yes, start with the simple emotions and then give yourself the appropriate self care for what you are feeling. You're on the right track for sure!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @angrypanda :hug:

 

[void]

So, to not make this super super long, Im gonna try to quickly sum things up, please let me kn...

I'm VERY happy for you!:happy::joyful:
You're hard work is paying off.
I believe you will continue to make progress.