In An Emotional Flashback/dissociation Cloud Lately

[EvenStrongerNow]

It's so depressing. The anxiety that I feel is unbelievable.

I can't track exactly what made me go into this emotional flashback, but it has been the whole month of July and now, in August, it seems to come and go. I feel like everything is triggering me lately and I'm back to feeling unsafe again. I'm not leaving the house again. I am isolating all over again :/

I quit my job and had an emotional breakdown a couple of weeks ago and now, even the thought of a job makes the anxiety rise until I'm hyperventilating and blowing in a paper bag just to calm down. Even thinking about the things I need to get done or thinking about the future at all makes me fall back mentally.

I'm so angry that I don't get to have a say in what my brain does to me on a day to day basis. It's like an alien invasion. I feel like I'm back in victim role again and I feel totally helpless and powerless. I have spurts of feeling like I can do this and that this will pass but it is always followed up by high levels of anxiety which make me crash again.

My mind just dissociates itself off into negativity land and by the time I realize where it is and work to pull it back, I feel horrible for days and I just can't seem to stop it. I wish I knew why I'm in this flashback. Even my husband doesn't seem real to me....sometimes myself....I hate it so much...

Does any of this make sense?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Anyone? :/

 

[jjh29]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't suffer from anxiety but it sounds horrible to constantly have high anxiety like that. Try taking a hot bath with lavender scented candles. That always makes me feel better anytime I had a bad day.

 

[WillowMarie]

I am sorry you are going through this. I think I may know what you are talking about. For me, when I let the emotions come, it is hard to stop and they keep coming up over and over again, like emotional tidal waves hitting me. It is like all of the hurt and pain I felt when I was younger wants to resurface all at once and I don't know what to do with it yet. I have just begun my journey to face the underlining issues and why certain things trigger these intense emotional reactions, so I don't have much advice on how to deal with them since I am still learning myself.

Maybe you aren't ready to face the underlining issue that is bringing up these emotions you are feeling and that is why you can't pin point it yet. For me, before I was ready to heal and face all the hard stuff, I just knew certain scenarios could throw me into this huge emotional craziness, but never understood why. When I was more mentally prepared to face things, I started connecting the dots. Maybe you just need some time before you can understand what triggered you.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi . Sorry to hear you are suffering so much. Have you had a look around the forum? I think the following threads might help both to understand dissociation more, and to learn some grounding techniques

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/grounding-101.12459/

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/dissociation-101.15027/

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks you guys for the support and validating me. Willow Marie, I think you're right. Lately I've been learning how to thought stop but I have also been using it to keep memories from coming up because I am scared of them. Allowing them to come up throws me into an emotional roller coaster and I am just now getting back to calm from the last one.

I think I am finally understanding that OCD behavior, even in thinking, is likely a PTSD avoidance symptom for me. And so is depression and not being able to work.

I am trying to get an appointment with a trauma T the last few days. I know I said that months ago but I never did it. I went on an emotional whirlwind before trying to self diagnose depression and anxiety because I didn't want PTSD to be real. I had forgotten all about it and when I crashed into depression, I thought I was going crazy and it hit me, right there in the dark. I'm not crazy. I have PTSD and all of what I am experiencing can be explained by it.

When am I going to accept it? It is so hard to get to that stage of the process when I dissociate off, forgetting all about PTSD, thinking that I am fine now because of having good days. I truck along and then boom, I get triggered and the cycle repeats itself, ad nauseam.

I just don't want it to be true. I don't want it to be real. It isn't fair that trauma changed my personality and causes me to fear everything. It isn't fair. Why didn't I get to have a say in it?

I am still blaming myself. When will that go away? I know I am blaming otherwise I wouldn't go on obsessional missions to try and find something mentally or physically wrong with me all of the time because surely that will confirm that I deserved it!

I am not always feeling like this. I have good days. It just feels crappy lately.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

The personality change has to be the most difficult thing. I can't make sense of it. I never used to be a hermit...fearing people, work, places, etc. this isn't me. Chronic underachieving, pessimistic, and not recognizing myself sometimes. Idk who this person is!

PTSD feels like an alien invasion. I just can't accept it. It doesn't rectify it.

 

[WillowMarie]

I think that is great that you are getting an appointment with a trauma T. Good job!

I can totally relate when you dissociate between the triggers and forget about how intense/emotional the triggers can feel, that it felt like I was fine, until a trigger comes along. It hits me so hard, and I remember, oh, this is why I am going through this healing journey because this won't stop until I heal.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thank God I'm not the only one that does that. Thank you for telling me that!

 

[WillowMarie]

Your welcome :) I was thinking the same thing when I read what you wrote! Since I am new to this site, I haven't read anyone mention this, I wasn't sure if it was just me. It is so nice to be able to relate to people on here, especially when no one really gets it, like friends, when I try to explain.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I know. It's so hard to explain. I get anxiety when I try to explain to people because I can see the expressions they make. They are looking at me with that face of, "how can she say such things about herself?" "I am not judging her!"

Or something along those lines. Some just look at me like I'm half crazy lol It is so important to me to explain why I isolate, etc and how I am feeling because I know that somewhere along the way, it will affect them so I am explaining beforehand.

Thankfully, my husband knows now when I say "trigger", he goes, "what should I do?" Lol