lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Not even sure why Im posting this (as always).
My birthday is techinally in 4 days on the 9th and from exactly a month before which is my mom's birthday, to mine and a bit beyond (the baby my mom lost at 2 hrs old is a few days before mine, 2 yrs before) was likely the worst time back then.
Punished for being born, for being a girl, for not being the baby boy that died and was the "wanted one" (god how many time Ive heard that phrase)! For breathing, for looking at someone, for everything.
The amount of money I had to bring in doubled, meaning I had to "work" double, normally triple just because. The amount of poor small animals that lost their lives by my hands, the amount and intensity of pubishments; everything increased 3 fold.
But then you have my family; which when I say my family Im always meaning my Dad's side. I dont even know but a few on my mom's side.
Another f*cking day that just reminds me of how much they hate me. A few will send letters stating just that. I try not to read them but curiousity has me wondering that may, just maybe they have changed their view on me. Nope.
And if you hate someone that f*cking much, leave them the f*ck alone! Why do you have to google them, gossip about them, send "bible scripture" in judgement of them stating that they will go to hell for being a "crazy liar"? Last time I looked, that goes against the book they claim to follow.
Why call Drs? Why call my therapist's office? Why hold their children hostage from me just to rub it in by sending letting to my dad & step mom with pictures but state "Dont show or give this to [my name]? Those kids will never know me and that hurts the most.
Facebook became a warzone and so most are blocked due to that; basically how you'd see a high school kid bullied, that's what grown adults, most older to me, did.
Reminds me of the friends I dont have. The few I was able to make couldnt handle my fears, jumping when touched, if they saw a place I cut that I didnt cover well enough, and usually Id be the 3rd wheel out anyway. Two people invited me somewhere as I never invite myself and they were like best friends and I was....just there.
My "weirdness" was too much for them. My "embarrasing" seductiveness (the way I thought you were supposed to be) but then my insane fear of crowds, being touched etc. Even jokes that I suppose werent very funny and innapproate.
I have never gone anywhere to make friends, fear of people keep me from doing that so most were co-workers. So moving jobs or even positions or teams gave most an "excuse" to stop talking to me. None were actual friends, I think they made "friends" with me out of pity. Well f*ck your pity! I dont want it!
Yes, nearing the 9th is a reminder of just how alone I am. Thank god I have to work that day.
Even the two left in my life are so f*cking unsupportive its insane. I wet the bed for the first time in my adult life a few weeks ago and my step mom saw and laughed. And she knows more of my past than anyone. Laugh? That's what you do when someone re-traumatizes themselves? Really? And my dad is like obsessively wanting me to contact my mom. Why would I even want to so that?
My dad minimizes everything so its not abuse. When I was 19 he heard I was raped at 7 & asked if I enjoyed it and when he heard they beat the f*ck out of me he asked what I did to make them so mad at me.
So I remain alone, even when not physically alone, Im still alone.
I guess I shouldn't complain so much, I'm alive and way further along in my healing and moved so far in just a few months but I cant help to feel so f*cking lonely that I cant stand it.
Even people online has hurt me in so many ways and Ive always had this "defensive posture", always feeling the need to defend myself even when there wasnt anything to defend against. I have since changed, or that "defense posture" has eased, but I cant stop feeling ashamed of how I acted when I first joined here. How many possible friends that I could of made but pushed them away without meaning to. Its the same thing in real life. Wanting so bad to have friends but too damn chicken shit to allow anyone close.
Im sorry that this is long, I didnt mean it to be. Im just feeling more alone then I have in so long! How do you allow people in when they terrify you? How do you trust when so many have hurt you? How do you justify continuing breathing and going on when at the end, I might be better but I'll still he alone. Humans arent made to be alone. Maybe I deserve to be alone because of everything I did...
My birthday is techinally in 4 days on the 9th and from exactly a month before which is my mom's birthday, to mine and a bit beyond (the baby my mom lost at 2 hrs old is a few days before mine, 2 yrs before) was likely the worst time back then.
Punished for being born, for being a girl, for not being the baby boy that died and was the "wanted one" (god how many time Ive heard that phrase)! For breathing, for looking at someone, for everything.
The amount of money I had to bring in doubled, meaning I had to "work" double, normally triple just because. The amount of poor small animals that lost their lives by my hands, the amount and intensity of pubishments; everything increased 3 fold.
But then you have my family; which when I say my family Im always meaning my Dad's side. I dont even know but a few on my mom's side.
Another f*cking day that just reminds me of how much they hate me. A few will send letters stating just that. I try not to read them but curiousity has me wondering that may, just maybe they have changed their view on me. Nope.
And if you hate someone that f*cking much, leave them the f*ck alone! Why do you have to google them, gossip about them, send "bible scripture" in judgement of them stating that they will go to hell for being a "crazy liar"? Last time I looked, that goes against the book they claim to follow.
Why call Drs? Why call my therapist's office? Why hold their children hostage from me just to rub it in by sending letting to my dad & step mom with pictures but state "Dont show or give this to [my name]? Those kids will never know me and that hurts the most.
Facebook became a warzone and so most are blocked due to that; basically how you'd see a high school kid bullied, that's what grown adults, most older to me, did.
Reminds me of the friends I dont have. The few I was able to make couldnt handle my fears, jumping when touched, if they saw a place I cut that I didnt cover well enough, and usually Id be the 3rd wheel out anyway. Two people invited me somewhere as I never invite myself and they were like best friends and I was....just there.
My "weirdness" was too much for them. My "embarrasing" seductiveness (the way I thought you were supposed to be) but then my insane fear of crowds, being touched etc. Even jokes that I suppose werent very funny and innapproate.
I have never gone anywhere to make friends, fear of people keep me from doing that so most were co-workers. So moving jobs or even positions or teams gave most an "excuse" to stop talking to me. None were actual friends, I think they made "friends" with me out of pity. Well f*ck your pity! I dont want it!
Yes, nearing the 9th is a reminder of just how alone I am. Thank god I have to work that day.
Even the two left in my life are so f*cking unsupportive its insane. I wet the bed for the first time in my adult life a few weeks ago and my step mom saw and laughed. And she knows more of my past than anyone. Laugh? That's what you do when someone re-traumatizes themselves? Really? And my dad is like obsessively wanting me to contact my mom. Why would I even want to so that?
My dad minimizes everything so its not abuse. When I was 19 he heard I was raped at 7 & asked if I enjoyed it and when he heard they beat the f*ck out of me he asked what I did to make them so mad at me.
So I remain alone, even when not physically alone, Im still alone.
I guess I shouldn't complain so much, I'm alive and way further along in my healing and moved so far in just a few months but I cant help to feel so f*cking lonely that I cant stand it.
Even people online has hurt me in so many ways and Ive always had this "defensive posture", always feeling the need to defend myself even when there wasnt anything to defend against. I have since changed, or that "defense posture" has eased, but I cant stop feeling ashamed of how I acted when I first joined here. How many possible friends that I could of made but pushed them away without meaning to. Its the same thing in real life. Wanting so bad to have friends but too damn chicken shit to allow anyone close.
Im sorry that this is long, I didnt mean it to be. Im just feeling more alone then I have in so long! How do you allow people in when they terrify you? How do you trust when so many have hurt you? How do you justify continuing breathing and going on when at the end, I might be better but I'll still he alone. Humans arent made to be alone. Maybe I deserve to be alone because of everything I did...
