In Denial About What Happened To Me

[Abstract]

Personally I have to say that I think the time to discuss safety and how to progress in the future is not when we are still trying to come to terms with what happened.

I have to say that if it was me I would find all that difficult. Not that it isn't important long term but I am sure we can all think of the intense confusion and distress that happens when we are first trying to accept the truth. A time and a place maybe. It would be too much too soon for me.

 

[mamachick]

Abstract I think you make a very good point. My intent was never to offend anyone.

Comparison for me is with Violence. THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR VIOLENCE.

How many women tolerate violence and keep trying to control the violent partners behavior. Eventually, one must leave the abusive relationship to heal as we can only control ourselves. Without an understanding of the patterns and red flags, many women enter another abusive relationship. This is not blaming the women-it is factual when that is what feels familiar. There will always be abusive me, we do not have to chose them though, and if we do, we can get out sooner than later. This does not legitimize violence.

The serenity prayer is simple and awesome!

 

[Abstract]

I really do understand Brat and I do agree. I just think it would be too much and soon for me. My brain could not process any logic before spinning into self hatred and blame to start so seeing things in the balanced way you mention would not have been available to me. I think its easier to look back and see it all when we have had time and therapy to process all this.

 

[mamachick]

xanabilify-You were raped. I do not think your diagnosis is a lie. I can understand your confusion. I am only guessing that you are blaming yourself and feeling guilty. I can only say that you do not deserve to carry the guilt and shame for this. I think most rape victims feel these things. Actually, most victims of any crime feels these things and question what I could have done differently, should I, could I, if only I had....

The fact is that you said no and he did not honor your No response. That is rape. I hope your therapist is helping you through this. I hope you keep posting and seeking the support on here from many good people.

 

[Badger]

Abstract, you quoted me wrong, I said "I DON'T think survivors make a choice about when to be dissociated."

 

[Abstract]

Apologies Badger. It was a typo. Corrected now. I know for me blame and dissociation is very sensitive subject. We all agree that it is in no way the persons fault. If only I could feel that at some point that would be nice. I see now that you brought up D because it was mentioned by others here and I didn't see that. The OP doesn't mention it so that is what I meant.

 

[BloomInWinter]

In our state and many others, informed consent cannot be given when under the influence. You were raped. It was not your fault. That man is a rapist and should be reported and brought to justice, if you feel able to do so, as he is highly likely to do it again to someone else. Chances are, you were not this predator's first victim.

You have no responsibility here. We have many male predators who look for impaired victims so they don't have to use physical force. This rapist raped you because he is a rapist.

"Sexual Assault
When discussing sexual assault/rape there are two definitions to review:

Illinois law
In the state of Illinois "sexual assault" or rape, is a felony and could result in an individual being sentenced to time in prison. It is defined as penetration (could be oral, anal, or vaginal), by force or threat of force, or when the victim is unable to give knowing consent. If an individual is "incapacitated from drugs or alcohol" (i.e. drunk) they cannot give consent. Having sex with someone who is drunk, is by definition, a crime.

Illinois State Code of Conduct
ISU’s Student Code of Conduct provides a definition of "sexual misconduct" which is much broader than the state’s definition (General Regulations, Section III-7). It states:

"Students shall not engage in any physical act that is sexual in nature and which is committed under pressure, force, threat, or coercion, or without the full and informed consent of all persons involved. For the purpose of this policy, consent must be freely and actively given through mutually understandable terms or actions. A person is deemed incapable of giving consent when that person is a minor, is mentally disabled, mentally incapacitated, physically helpless, under the influence of alcohol or drugs to the point of being unable to make a rational decision, unconscious or asleep. A person always retains the right to revoke consent at any time during a sexual act."

• Illinois State University's Student Code of Conduct

Key Points

• Consent must be actively given. Submission is not consent. Lack of a "no" is not consent.
• If an individual is intoxicated, they cannot provide consent. Having sex with someone who is drunk IS sexual assault/rape.
• Penetration is not required. Any unwanted, nonconsensual sexual activity could constitute sexual misconduct.

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