In Desperate Need Of An " I Understand."

[Dark Shadow Moor]

Hello!
Through a series of childhood events, including being molested by my pediatrician and watching my great-grandmother die of cancer, (and other things of course) I have PTSD triggered by anything medical.
Now, since leaving my sexually abusive ex and having a great mate now, I haven't had *much PTSD symptoms for about a year now, although I am now pregnant with my second baby (maybe babies) and I have a midwife appointment next Friday.
Now as utterly fantastic as my finance is, he cannot understand why I can sit for hours in the shower crying over an appointment with a midwife (who is not a doctor) and one that I myself choose.
It's more than I can deal with. It's to the point where not only am I telling my finance I'm fine when I'm not, I am acting like it.
He is as supportive as he can be, which is a lot, but I need someone to say "I understand."

I don't even care if you mean it.

 

[sea]

I understand. Except substitute crying in the shower shower with closet. Cause showering triggers me :rolleyes:

Welcome to the forum. Most of us probably do understand.

The admin of the website devised an article relating to the PTSD stress-cup. PTSD makes your cup already full when you start your day. When any amount of stress happens on top of it (appointments, shrieking neighbors, annoying kids, work, anything) your cup overflows and you end up crying in the shower. We've all experienced some variation. It's all right. And it's normal for PTSD.

 

[Dark Shadow Moor]

Haha! I used to hide in the closet as a kid! No one noticed back then.
Thank you. Now I'm all teary eyed. :')

 

[Deimos]

Just a thought......if you feel comfortable and safe with your finance, have him there at all the appointments. When you feel anxious focus on him and the life you created together.

It's ok to break down in the shower. I did it this morning during a flashback. My wife found me squatting in the shower with the water turned off. I had been there long enough I was dry.

 

[Iam]

Welcome to the forum Shadow. I understand. Everybody here can relate to your story in some form. PTSD can get the best of us when triggered. Take some deep breaths. Take time to read the information here on the forum. There is lots of good info. Maybe look at some of the info on how to ground yourself. Glad you found the forum....we're here to listen and support each other.

 

[Dark Shadow Moor]

Thank you all so much! I really needed it! I have been looking around and it seems like a very good place. I feel so much better it's unimaginable.
Deimos I do have him there at appointments! It's a great idea!
I used to have flashbacks a lot to but after immersing myself in lucid dreaming info they got better after I realized it was in my mind like a dream and I could make happy things happen. I would highly recommend it!

 

[TigerPride]

Shadow, I truly understand....
I too was molested by my peditrician, remember it like it was yesterday, but noone knows, I tried telling my mom, but she says she doesn't remeber me telling her, (my grandmother took me to that apt) so I have told no one else,...Watched my Grandfather die of cancer, and have recently delt with my mom having cancer and all the Dr's and mess that goes with that....
so yes I really do understand.

 

[Dark Shadow Moor]

Wow that seems like a mirror Tiger! My mom was there with me and she doesn't remember it at all. Recently my mom almost died of necrotizing fasciitis, a flesh eating bacteria.
Molesting pediatricians seem to have been popular at the time! Maybe it was a required part of their training.
Although it's a relief that I'm not alone, I'm really sorry for all those who feel like me. I wouldn't wish that on an enemy.
Thank you all <3

 

[TigerPride]

Yeah I hate it happened/happens but I guess moletician by a peditrician was not uncommon back when we were kids....Makes me sad to think of how many more are suffering in silence & the nerve of the Dr's to do it while the childs guardian is in the room...

 

[NutritionNerd]

My 2nd husband died of colon cancer. A month after he died my Dad had an acute infection in his gall bladder and several surgeries and intensive care. He and my step mom really didn't understand why I wasn't over there (1 hour drive) every day after work. I went over immediately after the surgery but he wasn't awake but it was too painful a reminder of all that I had been through in my husband's cancer treatment.

The thing that gave me PTSD was my current husband's suicide attempt. That basically shook loose all the past traumas and brought them into the foreground.

I sometimes cry in the shower - usually it is a very small child in me that cries - I hear her calling mommy, mommy inside my head. I don't even know why she's distressed, but likely due to a string of harsh step daddies from my first 5 years.

Recognizing that what you are feeling is a kind of flashback to another time and place can be very helpful. I read somewhere that trauma can cause memories to get stored without temporal information (time and place) and when they get triggered you aren't aware that it isn't now.

 

[Dark Shadow Moor]

The temporal information thing sounds right on NutritionNerd.I'm sorry to hear that.
My inner child is named Ame. From A Me.
She used to cry when I would have flashbacks but then I took ideas from the book Hannibal where he has an mental castle. I gave her a room with all of the things that made me feel better during my life. Her room is far away in my imaginary cave with a fish tank, with my favorite fish, Shadow the black moor, my blankie, stuff like that. Whenever I start to feel a flashback or negativity at all, I send her to play with her fish! It makes lots of things better! :D

 

[anthony yoder]

I am triggered into fear and destructive thoughts by seeing old men with certain facial structures. abducted at 13. brainwashed, conditioned into a lie, perspective of fear of the world, trust only in the abuser.

I am going to seek answers like crazy, because I wont sit my whole life while I feel I'm wasting away on psych meds, without a fight to try to get free.

Probably thousands that understand exactly our issues. "Seek and you shall find", said jesus.

<Edited by Amethist.>