In Desperate Need Of An " I Understand."

[Dark Shadow Moor]

Wow that sounds like a terrible trigger anthony! Good for you being proactive! If you want there to be, there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Saphy]

Haha! I used to hide in the closet as a kid! No one noticed back then.
Thank you. Now I'm all teary eyed. :')

Wow i totally forgot about where I used to hide as a kid. Under my dining table and now I cry under my desk. Sooooo weird! I never noticed that.

On a more relevant note however, I do want to say honestly that I understand. I pushed myself towards something medical even though I've had awful experiences with anything almost human (jk jk, that's an overstatement). In all seriousness though, I can feel your pain since it's scary even for non-PTSD people to go through childbirth and trust others when handling these sensitive matters. Also pregnancy can cause a lot of fluctuating hormones. On top of that, the PTSD stress-cup idea is definitely true and keeping that in mind when starting your day is often difficult. Just a few days before your appointment (or even now), try to find ways to slowly empty that cup as the day progresses. For example, take walks, do yoga, speak positive messages to your new baby or babies (so exciting!! very happy for you, congrats!), and even deep breathing at times. Doing all those things and finding out what works and doesn't will definitely help you ease any anxiety you might face during your appointment. I am so glad that you chose your own midwife and I hope soon you'll feel confident with your decision after meeting with her a few times and having a trusting and positive friendship. I approve the aforementioned suggestion to bring your fiance and to include him in some of your calming activities so you associate him with calmness not uneasiness (in reference to you feeling the need to lie to him about how you're feeling). Good luck and Welcome!! (:

 

[Dark Shadow Moor]

Thank you Saphy!

Tables can be very comforting! Especially desks with metal all around. I used to meditate under desks in High School. :)

My finance is the only reason I have a midwife. He insisted. Haha in the throws of psychosis I said He could go and I wouldn't! It's funny now. I wouldn't go without him.

My midwife is such a great person! She knew from the first time about my tender position. Today she came in on her day off just to talk to me. We talked about "make pretending" to avoid my trigger words (which are abundant in her line of work) she was totally cool with it. Instead of "appointment" I would "go see my friend" and silly things like that. It's funny how weird little things can mean the world to people like me. It's great for her to be so supportive! She likes for us to pretend not to "pay" her but "give her gifts." It's great.

We are also avoiding talking about the twin possibility at all because then she is legally obligated to try to convince me against home birth! What screwed up laws! She can't even attend if it was for sure twins! Sounds prejudices to me.

<Full line spaces inserted between paragraphs, by Amethist>

 

[Saphy]

Thank you Saphy! Haha in the throws of psychosis I said He could go and I wouldn't! It's funny now. I wouldn't go without him....It's great for her to be so supportive!

Lmao, that's so cute! I'm glad you are at a better place now psychologically. <3

Seems like your midwife is an awesome person who is willing to work with you on many more issues than just your childbirth. Very happy for you!!

Good luck! (:

 

[anni]

Hi Shadow,

I just clicked on this because the thread read 'Desperate Need' so thought heck, I might be a mess today but I can do THAT. I do see you've gotten lovely replies and made friends here so no need anymore really! I did keep reading because I also have a 'thing' related to medical issues-not as severe as yours, the result of having been married to a kookoo surgeon. Long story which you do not need to hear. I have to say my T did something similar to what you midwife is doing, with desensitizing things by making the entire field not so loaded with those WORDS, you know? That's been part of it, and helpful.

Anyway, welcome to the forum. I did read where Iam suggested you tool around the various articles and one in particular. It's an awfully good idea. When I first joined here I was convinced I was the ONLY one with all this dreck in my head-those articles not only convinced me otherwise but made me feel NORMAL in the process.That was a new thought, to be sure! :)

Do take care, and congratulations on the baby ( babies?). That would be something else which kept me reading. Babies always make me smile.

Anni

 

[Helliepig]

Hi and welcome to the forum

I can say I truly understand and that you are not alone, as I was abused by our family doctor, amongst others.
(And I became a doctor too - only recently realised how much was triggering me every day at work)

When I was pregnant I dreaded delivery and anything "down there" even though I had no idea why.

If I get ill I go to a very panicky place, stuck between, do I go and get looked at, or do I die (doesn't seem to be any other options!!!) My female GP is lovely and very understanding.however, and I have made huge strides in all my trauma work so this is becoming less and less of an issue.

Good luck and keep on keeping on, there is light at the end of the tunnel

 

[Shattered]

I cry in the shower too.

 

[Dark Shadow Moor]

anni, Thank you for the welcome. I will keep posted about the Babies. :)

Helliepig, why did you become a doctor? I was thinking about it to, I thought it would help me but there are no schools in my state. What is it like?

Shattered, it seems to be a common thing. Water makes me feel safe. Is that your reason to?

 

[Shattered]

It's not the water. I'm afraid of deep water. I guess I can describe it as being an old piece of pottery . I've been broken and chipped and glued back together. My glaze is crazed. There are stains in the cracks and chips. I get daily use which causes more breaks and stains, but I can at least wash the surface. Perhaps that is kind of a lame analogy.

 

[smooch]

I understand. I have trouble with anyone of authority.

 

[Dark Shadow Moor]

Beautiful pictures Shattered! :)
I love your avitar smooch!

 

[pi314159]

If I get triggered at work I hide under my desk and cry. I'm surprised I haven't been fired.

I'm sorry to hear that you're finding things so hard. Sometimes we can't help but cry and it's hard for other people to understand. A lot of people will say things like "It was a long time ago. You should get over it" ...I understand you can't just get over it (as do so many other people on this forum). I hope you can explain things to your fiancé and that he provides you with support. You are strong though and you have people on this forum to understand and help you :)

Best of luck with your baby/babies. How exciting!!!!!!!