In Pain; How Do You Live With An Open Heart And Survive?

[Seasounds]

I hate the process of growth, when it involves me re-experiencing the pain of being disregarded, when I had the hope of being respected, and building a workplace relationship with someone I (had) respected.

Sure, it was a step for me to initiate a conversation of problem solving with someone at work, who's anger inappropriately flared at me, in front of colleagues and clients, and scared our superiors-so they didn't 'call her on her behavior' (instead, out of their own fear they colluded with her).

An acountable, non-violent communication, and team building approach did not bring me what I wanted-a better working relationship. Instead, my coworker was defensive and disregarded for my experience, after she shared hers.

I'm left feeling slapped, stabbed, and treated like a pile of rubble, that opens a major trauma of childhood. For solutions, I am a person, (so please to not say, "don't take it personally"), so I do take it personally. I'm finding some reprieve in reminding myself that she has an anger problem, and that I can still value myself.

I may need to sob about the loss of hope-from the childhood related trauma, of having my good intentions, not acknowledged. I may need to hit pillows, in anger, of being subtley bullied, when I intentionally approached the conversation with a non-defended heart, to open the conversation to a mutual 'listening'.

This is where I ask for your support and reminders of value. How do you live with a less guarded heart, and still survive? How do you sat associated and keep your emotional balance, landing in positive self-esteem?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sad this painful experience happened to you, especially when you did not deserve it. Sadly a lot of people will turn a blind eye and side with the bully at work. It is for fear that it will happen to them to. Among other things it is so complicated.

Can you begin to look for another place of employment. This workplace does sound very sick and I think you will experience more of the same and it can really break you down fast.

I would suggest getting out and away from that place. For you were chosen as a target and it is because you are steller at what you do at work.

I am also sad that you are not getting support and help from others. This is extreme behavior at work and if the higher ups are afraid of her she will know it and get much worse.

If I am wrong, I apologize very much. Hugs.

 

[Leigh925]

Great question.....I don't have a great answer unfortunately because I am still trying to figure that out myself. I just had an experience this weekend that made me doubt whether it was worth it or not because it was so painful but then I also had to remind myself that I was feeling which I haven't done for a long time..and I realized the good feelings I have had have been more intense as well. I keep trying to find balance. I do think I am starting to small areas of reward so I will keep trying...but it is really hard! Hopefully someone will post with some great answers for us both! Hang in there!

 

[Seasounds]

@Leigh925: I'm not sure there will ever be a way to keep my heart open without pain, while others may lash out at me. It is useful to find if other people feel the same, and it is useful to find out how other people cope.

Like you suggested, I can remind myself that I am feeling and staying functional, more tha I use to. I am also seeing that I am not the cause of other people's frustrations, sooner than I use to.

Best of all, reaching out for support and finding out that I am not alone, sent valuable healing and empathy, my way. Thank you! :)

 

[risingsun]

An acountable, non-violent communication, and team building approach did not bring me what I wanted-a better working relationship.

I am sorry you are experiencing this. A year and a half after I was severely traumatized, I started a new job. What I didn't realize was that I was stepping into a "hostile work environment." My co-worker would yell and degrade me in front of other staff members and nothing was done. I tried openly communicating with her, telling her I wanted a better relationship and that things needed to change. But nothing changed. But like your situation, the administrator was even scared of her. I asked her, as an administrator, to intervene and be a mediator but she wouldn't.

Other employees would even yell at me, knowing they could get to me, and nothing was done about that either. It was horrific.It severely added to my PTSD. I developed severe work anxiety. I tried being friendly. I tried everything to make things better.

Needless to say, this past year, I left that job. I am currently unemployed but am seeking other avenues and keeping the faith that I will find where I am supposed to be. I know what its like to try to survive in what seems to be an impossible situation. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. There is not enough done about workplace bullying at all. It is highly unacceptable.

I hope you can manage to just focus on 'the job' and not the people within that situation. I guess remember 'why you are there' and 'what you have to do' and do your best to tune everyone out. Stand tall. Never let them see you sweat! Forget the 'don't take it personally' comments. That is people brushing it off. However, as a fellow victim, I will say to you that it is not you, it is the fact that you are dealing with a hostile person in an unsupportive environment. It is so hard going to work and being degraded. It is highly traumatic. It is a trauma in its own right, in fact.

If it continues to rip at your self-esteem and impact your life, remember that you are gifted in many ways and that there are other many many jobs out there. Unless someone has experienced workplace violence, they cannot judge it.

Best of Luck to You. Stay Strong. My deepest prayers to you. Rising.

 

[spookedlife]

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/change.21151/"]@change[/DLMURL]

"How Do You Live With an Unguarded Heart And Survive",

Indeed. This definitely falls into the category of "Questions For the Ages".

While I can't answer it specifically for you, and don't think anyone else can do so for any other...as these are matters without "objective" 1+1=2 kinds of solutions...I can tell you from my own personal experience, that I believe you are asking the wrong question...and unless the right question is asked, the right answer obviously can't be arrived at.

In other words, I think that you are approaching the matter in the wrong way--as it is not possible at all to live with a heart that is completely unguarded. Open, yes. But not unguarded. And there is an all-important difference, though from where you sit, I realize the distinction may seem like splitting hairs. It is not, at all. Most of the lines in the world that make the biggest difference are "fine lines" after all.

The solution I found...that enabled me to not "close down/off my heart"...yet to not leave it undefended...was to realize at the most fundamental level that those who operate on the basis of seeing domination and abuse as the means of obtaining satisfaction...are truly damaged souls. Whether it's put in terms of their being simply "immature", "damaged from similar personal experiences", or whatever other means used to describe another who falls short in their understanding of life...before I realized this and believed it utterly, I could not keep my head above water, personally. Because of my origins in a cultural background that conflicted violently with those of the region in which I grew up, I might have well have had "public enemy number one" stamped on my forehead, visible for the world to see at a glance...and the region, the Southern United States...was not one known for tactful expressions of disapproval, to say the least.

I'll admit that it was likely substantially easier to take this view of my persecutors...as it's one fairly widely held by the rest of the world, as well...but what I noticed immediately...was that as soon as it became obvious that I not only would have no "cringing, fearful, shamed" reaction...but that I would not have even a hostile, or rejecting reaction...but would simply look back with eyes wide open, in loving acceptance, truly attempting to connect on a deeper level, as with a close friend...that was all that was necessary. It actually became a sort of study in watching the soul-change in other's faces, as they were suddenly faced with just how limited and ugly their spirits were...you could see the knowledge as it reached their eyes, and a kind of dawning chagrin and crestfallen look, as they realized I was doing nothing but simply "truly seeing them as they were", and feeling no antipathy, only sadness, that someone would be stuck in such a state.

Very very often, this involved literally being grabbed physically, and having the other thrust their face inches from mine, snarling and shouting, raise fists as though in preparation to strike....but I found that, as long as kept this open-hearted attitude towards them, and accepting gaze extending friendship...the blows never fell...and "the look" of sudden awareness would come into the attacker's eyes, they would usually bellow once loudly, in a last ditch attempt to "break" the open-hearted gaze, and produce a defensive reaction...and then stalk off.

It's a sad fact that small spirits exist in the world. So to live with a heart entirely "unguarded", is to only beg attack...as though presenting one's neck to a predator. But a true and abiding love and acceptance for everyone is maybe the best guard of all for the heart...and not only beats "shutting down your heart", but I believe, inevitably leads to its enlargement.

I realize that maybe the single greatest protection that adopting this belief and perspective, and the set of reactions it produced...was that it enabled me to no longer feel like the victim...it was my way of transcending, of getting a win, in my own way. Although I think it's crucial that this not be the intention, resulting in its adoption as a "strategy"...which defeats the entire purpose...in that if it does not extend all the way to the heart, in sincerity, it is bound to be unsuccessful. But that shouldn't be a concern...because it's true. There's no reason to doubt its legitimacy...those who thrive on the abuse of others are lesser beings...not victors. And as long as one sees themselves as victims of such...they will continue to be victimized by them....because that's what predators do...seek out those who have already adopted the identity of victim.

 

[risingsun]

However, as a fellow victim, I will say to you that it is not you, it is the fact that you are dealing with a hostile person in an unsupportive environment.

Just to clarify, I meant as a fellow victim of workplace bullying who understands. I do not see myself as a victim 'in general' nor you. In fact, by still keeping our hearts open and uncorrupted despite the circumstances, we are Victors! Warmest to you, Rising.

 

[Philippa]

Gosh, this one really brought back bad memories for me. I had a very similar thing happen late last year, except she actually turned violent and physically attacked me as well as verbally vomitted all over me, when I approached her about an issue that needed to be talked openly about, civilly and with a respectful tone, so I really feel for you.

It was a harrowing experience and the boss sided with her out of fear as well, unfortunately, and I was sacked while she got to keep her job. I think it's quite common these days, sadly. I really respected her and did a few things to support and help her out through a hard time. I empathized with her...and she shat on me big time. It seems to happen whenever I am kind to people. Makes it harder next time to want to help anyone, or be nice to them. They inevitably don't trust it due to their own issues, which she had a lot of, and end up attacking me viciously at some point.

I was able to immediately recognise that it was all her issue, it was all her stuff, I did nothing wrong at all, even if I was wrong about one particular thing that I was approaching her about. There was no need for the sort of outburst she, or your workplace bully decided to inflict. It's really disgusting the way people use their clout and fear to control others. I find it very weak at the core.

I hope you are able to feel better soon about it, and move forward without taking on any of it, as hard as it can be. I'm lucky I had people who supported me through it, and were able to give me perspective about the incident. Do something nice for yourself. Maybe take a nice long bath with hot tea and essential oils, if you are into that, or something that will make you feel soothed and comforted.

As for your question, I'm not sure. Honestly, I don't know how to live in this world. It is too hard to go around being closed hearted, but being open often leads to this sort of experience, as bullies tend to sniff us out and exert their violence, for whatever reason...they view us as weak, when they are the weak ones.

Gizmo is right though, it's best if you find somewhere healthier to work. If she has exerted this control over the manager and boss then it will only get worse, and she will take over. It's what was going on at the place I was at as well. I'm sure she had that as her main goal as well. She wanted to own that business...and the boss was too nice.

I took it as a blessing in disguise because the place I am at now, while it has it's aspects that I am a bit over and am actually wanting to leave soon for various reasons, it was 100% better than where I was. The people are better, the clients are better (sort of) and things have been basically harmonious since I've been there.

 

[Recovery4Me]

but what I noticed immediately...was that as soon as it became obvious that I not only would have no "cringing, fearful, shamed" reaction...but that I would not have even a hostile, or rejecting reaction...but would simply look back with eyes wide open, in loving acceptance, truly attempting to connect on a deeper level, as with a close friend...that was all that was necessary

spookedlife, your entire post for me is a well stated and embraced by many as a philosophy: one that I have attempted to carry during my decision of core values. However, transcending the immediate threat of realistic danger in the US (as one of four individuals allegedly & statistically carry a form of DSM disorder) that may speculatively break into violence requires a grounded conviction of understanding spiritual warfare on a integrated level as well as one with personal cost. One must be ready to pay that price to connect in that manner consistently.

With discovery of hard wiring that may not allow the perpetrator to anchor in a similar moral axis, understanding their pain on our own wiring will not always result in self -survival. Most of my heritage rest within a people, that anchored in unconditional love and lost much. There are other ways that must be considered valid as well if one is part of a family with dependents.


((Change))

How do you live with a less guarded heart, and still survive? How do you sat associated and keep your emotional balance, landing in positive self-esteem?

My self answer - Boundaries, anchored in self awareness and when danger is present. Fear of only real & present danger and allowing a loving heart to thrive when danger is not there. Seeing myself as part of a constant within chaos and having a gift of life.
It is what I choose with in my life to be the most important factors that will strengthen & identify my heart song.

 

[spookedlife]

However, transcending the immediate threat of realistic danger in the US (as one of four individuals allegedly & statistically carry a form of DSM disorder) that may speculatively break into violence requires a grounded conviction of understanding spiritual warfare on a integrated level as well as one with personal cost.

You're absolutely right. I stand corrected. In fact, I thought after posting the former that in order to be fully accurate, I would have to include the fact that I no longer find that this works as a strategy, in general--not with those under approx age 40, with "mainstream" anglo Americans, which is to say, those from "non-traditional", old-world cultures. The period I referred to was a different time, 25 years ago...a different age, altogether...before anything like 1 in 4 Americans could be said to suffer from a diagnosable DSM listed disorder. It's impossible to appeal to a higher standard with those who were raised with no idea of any standard at all, which is the upshot of the disintegration of families during the late 60's and 70's, lack of authoritative parenting in the service of imbuing children with the idea that one's self-respect should be tied to their adherence to cooperative pro-social values...in the name of "not oppressing children with the parent's reality", the parenting perspective which held sway during the formative period of the majority of those without roots in a traditional culture with strong enough ties to have resisted the vilification and revolution against the very idea of such traditions as objectively valid-the zeitgeist of the era of the Cultural Revolution, passed on to children raised...to the extent that they were at all...with such a perspective and behavior as resulted modeled by their parent..or generally parent, as few grew up in a home with two parents, at all....or in the majority of instances, with even one parent who parented actively.

And as nature abhors a vacuum...the nature which rushed in to fill the vacuum left by a lack of active parenting in the service of "civilizing" one's children...was nature in the form of the "law of the jungle". That's my sincere belief, at any rate, and the reason underlying my plans to relocate in the near future.

I thought that to introduce this as a factor in the post would water down the point with a sociocultural commentary...when I still believe that the same holds true in the rest of the world's cultures, where the above has not been the case. Thanks for your post

 

[Recovery4Me]

((Change)) thank you for opening this thread, sincerely.

Spookedlife, your wording is well chosen for the condensed version of social-economic delegated functions of parenting. I admire your talent of political ease as well as offered opinion.

I recently read an older pdf on developing a Theory of Family Communication or the -general model of relational schemas in interpersonal communications. Communication Theory does embrace our member's Change haunting question of thread while weaving your points. The blended family and latchkey children (now adults) have suffered greatly within the traditional hand-off baton 'vacuum'.

And yet, I found a fierce loyalty among these adults building a global community and instilling parental nurturing lost or distorted. It is a culture in it's own right, vibrant and enriched. It is my belief that all will balance in a much healthier way at some point but it is up to us as educators or elders to continue to show heart as you have Spookedlife to mentor them through. (Although quite often they have taught me a thing or two. lol)