Inconsistent Support Is Worse Than None At All. I'm So Lonely.

[Sheer Force of Will]

I have a wonderful man in my life. He is so smart and funny and kind, but he is terribly incosistent in his support. It kills me because when we are together or if we are apart and he is at school, then everything is great and he is the most supportive, kind, gentle soul in the world. He makes it easier for me to breathe. My truama is on going and can happen as often as every ten days, so its really important for me to have some one there for me I can trust and rely on.

The thing is, he is an undergrad and I am in grad school. I live in an appartment in Bean Town and he is a husky, so we are about 2 hours apart. Again, it is not a problem when we are in school, even thought he is premed, and I am in a very intense program, we still find time for each other. The issue is when he is home from school on a break. Suddenly he disappears, stops contacting me and I can't reach him.

He fully recognizes that this is a huge problem and is really apologetic when it happens. He genuinely feels horrible about it, but it keeps happening. I have a lot of abandonment issues from my parents. Not only did they abandon me during my childhood to take care of my mentally ill brother, my father would literally abandon me in department stores or grocery stores to teach me lessons. Having my partner abandon me when he is at home and has more interesting things to do kills me. It makes me feel so regected.

I have no one in this world. My mother has severe anxiety and cannot be there for me. I remember when I was little that it felt good to hug my mother, it felt comforting, warm and safe. Now that I know she could have stopped my father from beating me, I no longer feel safe with her. I no longer feel safe with anyone. I used to feel safe with my partner but now i know that I can't trust him to be there for me if there is something more interesting going on for him, like having friends over.

I am so lonely. I am in a new city, with few people that I know. I just got the diagnosis of PTSD, but I am told that I have had it since the abuse from my father and suicide attempts from my brother started, around when I was three. Since I was diagnosed I have struggled to talk to people, to make new friends and to stay connected to the old ones. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have no on to talk to and no where to turn. I would give anything to feel sage again.

How can I make my partner understand that I need him to be there for me even when I am less fun than going to the movies. Its not like I need him constantly, I just need him to be consistent in his responses. He keeps telling me that he will always be there for me whenever I need him, whenever my father is abusive or my brother tries to kill himself, but that just has proved not to be true. I want to trust him so badly. I need to have someone in my life that I can trust or I will lose my mind. How can I talk to him about this in a way that makes it stick??

I really love spending time with him, but if he keeps doing this to me, I won't be able to take it. Its too much, too much like my childhood. I cannot handle this anymore. I just need consistency. If he cant be there for me, thats fine, but he needs to stop saying that he can. I am getting close to my breaking point. What do I do? I feel so pathetic, but I am so lonely. I am so lonely.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi- I am so sad and so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It must be overwhelmning. I know you are doing the best you can with the cards that have been dealt to you and the information you have.
I do not have any words of advice. It is a strange problem. It does'nt make any sense.
I do not understand why you cannot reach him when he is at home.

I hope someone comes along who would be able to help you out.
It does'nt make any sense that you cannot reach him by phone. Mabe it is time for you to find other things to do with other people when he is being like this.
I am so sorry that you are so lonely. I encourage you to keep writing and talking about it because it will help you to connect the dots and figure out what is the best course of action.

What does your herapist say about this? I would be curious. It would help you to talk about what is happening to you. I wish you the best in what you choose to decide. Good luck.

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

My therapist thinks that he needs to really think hard about what he wants. The worst thing is, he is so good to me sometimes! When my brother tried to kill himself while he was on the phone with me. it almost destroyed me. My University barred me from taking my final exams the next day. I was crushed. He drove up the very next day and took me away. He saved me. I don't know what I would have done without him.

He is so good to me when he is with me or when he is at school, but when he is at home, he is like a different person. I don't even ask that he call me every day when he is at home, I just ask that if he thinks he can't talk that day, he shoot me a text to say so. But even that he does not do. I am so frustrated and I feel so regected.

My therapist is really working really hard with me to get me to accept the fact that I will never get my childhood back, that I will never have parents that love me and protect and care for me. It is such a struggle to me to accept it. I hate the idea of being alone in this world. My partner hates it too and promises to be there for me when I need him, but that all seems to evaporate when he goes home.

When these things happen, it makes me feel so hated. I don't know what to do. I also don't feel like I can really talk to him about it right now because he takes the MCATs in 18 days. The thing is, I know that I am tough enough to deal with all of the trauma on my own, with the help of my therapist. I grew up alone in the middle of the woods and practically raised myself, so I know that I am good on my own. It's just that a big part of the therapy is learning to open myself up to the idea of not being alone all the time. Of sharing my feelings. My partner was the person I chose to try to share myself with, but his inconsistency is making me crazy.

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((((SheerforceofWill)))))))))))

I do understand the struggles of loving someone with PTSD, however, I don't think it's too much to ask for consistency in any relationship no matter what is going on. I can feel your pain and confusion, I'm so sorry for that and wish I could ease it for you.

Hating yourself because of what you have to endure is not the answer, my husband has endured a lot throughout the years but like you, I was upfront and shared who and what I was from the start. I expected nothing less than understanding, respect, and honesty, despite the traveling distance between us and our own individual schedules and demands.

Welcome to the forum and please take care of yourself, you are more than worth it.
Peace,
Rain

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

Srain, thank you so much. The problem is, I don't feel like I am worth it to him. I fell like if I were really worth it to him, he would be willing to make the effort to be there even when it is not easy for me. The fact that he can't reinforces the idea that my parents gave me, which is that I am not worth the effort. If anything more interesting comes along, I should fully expect to be tossed aside. That is exactly what they did and exactly what he is doing.

I know I shouldn't take it so hard but it makes me feel hated and worthless and pathetic. I feel like if I were just a little bit smarter, or just a little bit prettier, I would be more worth the effort for him. I know these kinds of thoughts are really bad, so I am trying to head this thought process off at the pass. So far, I am not doing very well.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I'm so sad that you are beating yourself up. You sure don't need any of that. I know this is hard for you, is he away now? Are you alone now.

One thing I learned in al-anon was that if there was nothing I could do about something, I would not worry about it. It took some practice but I am having some success with it now.

Today I am having memories and there is nothing I can do about them, so I keep telling myself not to worry about them. I came online to distract myself, by getting and giving support.

It sounds like you are being triggered by your boyfriends abandonment of you. It is not making any sense that he is being so inconsiderate. It sounds passive aggresive, like he wants his freedom from you at times like this.

You have told him how you feel, and if you want to continue to have a relationship with him, it sounds like you have to accept this about him. I'm so sad that he is doing this to you especially now when you are dealing with the issue of abandonment.

I hate it when i call someone and they do not return my call. I think it is rude. It makes me angry. But there isn't anything I can do about it. I just have to keep calling the person back until I get ahold of them.

Sorry I cannot be of more help to you. My heart goes out to you. I wish you the very best. What a thing to have to accept. YOU are good enough. There is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with him. He is being rude and careless. he does'nt have your well being in mind.

This could develop into a serious problem. Mabe you need a time out from him. He is not being there for you. Like I said it does'nt make any sense. He knows better because he knows how you feel.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

Thank you Gizmo. You are right, I should not have to deal with this. This is crap. I deserve better than this.

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

I have decided that I am going to rely on no one but myself. He is clearly not someone that I can safetly share myself with. I need consistency, support, and unconditional love. If he can only love me when there is nothing else to do, then he does not really love me. I am sad to say it, but I need to stop trying to trust him. I don't want to trust anyone anymore. This has just proven to me that I cannot trust anyone but myself. There is no one else with my best interests in mind.

I need to deal with PTSD by myself. I am a very strong person and clearly, I was not meant to rely on other people in any way. I let myself try and it turned out poorly. So I am done trying to open up and trust. That does not mean that I have to leave him, but rather that I have to take the cues he is giving me, and stop expecting to be a priority and stop making him one.

 

[Let It Be]

I just wanted to stop by to tell you that I have been alone my entire life also. I have been told numerous times that I never had a family, even though yes, I grew up in one.

The one thing that struck out at me, that I so relate to, is that feeling that I need even now, is of consistency. I even mentioned that to myself last night when I went to bed. I so miss going outside and sitting on my patio at night, but because of my new neighbor's actions, I no longer feel that I can. He was very inconsistent in his actions, thus I was triggered by them.

The reason why I keep plugging on because I just have to believe that one day someone will come into my life where there will be that feeling of knowing what it means to give and take, being equal in relationships, and that I know I can trust that person to be there for me, as I do dwell on that quite a bit now, at my age.

Thank you for allowing me to share and to use that word "inconsistent" that I know so well in so many areas of my life!

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

Thank you for reaching out, Let It Be. Inconsistency is a terrible thing, especially to those who have been abused or abandoned. I grew up in a no family family too. It was one of the hardest things in the world for me to accept that I will never have one.

I am sorry that you lost sitting on your porch. Being outside is one of the most important things in the world to me. Losing it is an awful feeling. I hope that you can find something else to attach to.

I am also plugging along, trying to believe that someday, someone will love me enough not to hurt me. Enough to make time for me even when it is not the most fun thing or the most convenient thing. Someday, I will meet someone who will think that I am worth it. It's just that I really hoped that it would be this guy. He is so much fun, and I really do care for him. There were times when he really was there for me. He took care of me when I was really sick and he was so kind to me, kinder than anyone has ever been. He tells me that he loves me, but when he does things like disappear, he makes me feel like this is all my love is worth to him.

And even talking about all of this makes me feel like the lowest, neediest, bitchiest looser in the world. It makes me hate myself to have to ask him to be there for me, and it makes me feel really bad about myself and I don't want to feel this way!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi-
I wish you did'nt beat up on yourself, it does'nt help it makes things worse. One of the hardest things for me has been learning to trust my gut instincts. It has taken so many years. Alot of practice, being on this site has helped me to realize so many things, as I see real truth validated over and over.

It is so hard to be vulnerable and ask, but to recieve nothing, it is not you. This belongs to the other person, and it is his failure to reach backto you. He does not have your emotional well being in mind.

People can truly be wonderful to us, and have flaws. This is his flaw, and his failure, and it is triggering your sense of abandonment. This puts you at a great disadvantage. If you can accept this as a part of him and go on together, my hat is off to you.

I wish you peace and healing no matter what you decide. Hug.

 

[Eleanor]

I have decided that I am going to rely on no one but myself. He is clearly not someone that I can safetly share myself with. I need consistency, support, and unconditional love. If he can only love me when there is nothing else to do, then he does not really love me. I am sad to say it, but I need to stop trying to trust him.

From what you have said, this is right on - the evidence is that he is not entirely trustworthy. What is so different for him at school and at home? Very strange, if you ask me.

I don't want to trust anyone anymore. This has just proven to me that I cannot trust anyone but myself. There is no one else with my best interests in mind.

Here, I think, you go too far. I wish you would reconsider globalizing on the basis of one part-time jerk. It is true that you are the person in the best position, with the knowledge and resources to look after your own interests - you are an adult, and that's what adults do, right? On the other hand, if you were really GOOD at trusting and taking care of yourself, you wouldn't be quite so hurt by his inconsistency. So maybe the lesson here isn't that the other couple billion people on the planet are not trustworthy - but that you need to learn to be more trustworthy for yourself.

It is spooky how often when we heal these gaps in ourselves we find partners who are good at meeting those needs consistently too.:O_o:

I need to deal with PTSD by myself. I am a very strong person and clearly, I was not meant to rely on other people in any way. I let myself try and it turned out poorly. So I am done trying to open up and trust. That does not mean that I have to leave him, but rather that I have to take the cues he is giving me, and stop expecting to be a priority and stop making him one.

Be careful about making this pattern a "master narrative" in your life. What do you WANT your story to be - because I get the feeling this is just a "sour grapes" reaction, and not the story you really want to live.

I am sorry that your path so far has been so painful and lonely - there is health and hope and happiness and genuine friendship and love in the world, and you deserve your share of it.

Wishing you peace and healing (and a much better partner!)