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Deleted member 37343
I know that one of the symptoms of PTSD is hyper vigilance or thinking there is a threat almost everywhere. I tend to be that way most of the time EXCEPT when there is an actual threat going on at the moment, usually when it's in front of me.
So when there is nothing going on, something as simple as my friend telling me she's in a car on her way to some place. If I think she hasn't replied in a certain amount of time, I will go into a panic attack thinking she's dead, how did she die, did it hurt, what will I say at her funeral, will I even go to the funeral, I'm a terrible person if I don't, but I probably won't cry and it'll make her loved ones upset at me so maybe I shouldn't go, but I should to show I care, maybe I can fake cry. But what if I have a meltdown while talking about her.. I don't have to talk about her. Well no she couldn't have died. The news doesn't say so, the death roster does not mention her name, but maybe they'll mention it in a few minutes I'll check again. Did it hurt, how did the accident happen. She can't be dead.. can she? Will I go to her funeral... etc. (Sorry I got a bit carried away.. couldn't stop.)
But another instance would be just coming home or walking into a new home/setting. I take a step in and everything is "loud" to me. The smells are strong, I see the patterns of the wall and floor, I heard creaking, it's cold, etc. I become very aware and reactive. Sometimes even if I'm in familiar places I will act the same way.
Now when an actual threat is present, it's completely different. I'm not sure if it's a form of dissociation or maybe this is actually how I really am, but PTSD kind of.. messed me up a bit haha.. So there have been many times when I saw someone in danger, when I experienced danger, saw the aftermath, etc. I remember when my good friend and I were walking in the mall and this woman just collapsed and had a grand mal seizure (or whatever people call them now.) It was weird because I noticed something was off about her. She seemed a bit disoriented for a couple seconds and when I saw her start to collapse, I was already running to her. I dropped my bag half way and tried to catch her head to lessen damage. It felt like a switch. My mind was clear, I knew what to do, I felt calm despite all the panic from my friend and bystanders. I only knew what to do because of research(I heavily research a lot of random stuff and how to manage a seizure just happens to be one of them.) I immediately phoned an ambulance and told them her possible age, how long the seizure has been going on, that she wasn't choking or throwing up, and there doesn't seem to be any damage that she has done to herself. I could tell them the mall we were in and the location inside.. and it was just clear. I guess. I could hear the way i was talking, I'm aware that I sounded calm and a little bit monotone on the phone, but to my friend panicking my tone was calming and reassuring. I spoke to the one having the fit and it just felt.. I wouldn't say normal, but fine. It was neutral I guess, but a bit better because I wasn't panicking. Usually I'm nervous in malls with tons of people, usually I don't like being the center of attention, heck I usually avoid certain events/activities that bring attention to my very existence.. but this was different some how. I don't know why.
Now another thing that happened recently. (a couple days ago.) This man was harassing me, hugging me, and even tried kissing my. I knew it wasn't safe, but I didn't feel like I was in danger. I did text my friend and made evaluations of the man, his clothing, appearance, etc. My friend was the one who ended up panicking and crying and I had to talk her down. I checked on her, she called my therapist.. but I didn't feel the danger in it. I know it wasn't safe, but I was fine. He yelled at me to walk next to him, he asked me to do errands for him and I wasn't allowed to leave until I finished. He tried getting me to eat food, etc., but I was okay.
Does anyone else experience this? And could this maybe be due to my traumatic event? I went through long term abuse so maybe I find the "chaos" comforting because I'm used to it? I grew up in it. I remembering telling my friend and therapist that I sometimes find it weird when someone is nice to me, but I once had an old friend that would hit me a lot and I actually became a bit closer to her. Not by much, but I told her stuff I've never told anyone and I felt more interested in spending time with her rather than someone else that is friendly. Could this be related to why some people choose to go back int abusive relationships? Because they're used to it?
Sorry for the long thread, I kept getting carried away..
So when there is nothing going on, something as simple as my friend telling me she's in a car on her way to some place. If I think she hasn't replied in a certain amount of time, I will go into a panic attack thinking she's dead, how did she die, did it hurt, what will I say at her funeral, will I even go to the funeral, I'm a terrible person if I don't, but I probably won't cry and it'll make her loved ones upset at me so maybe I shouldn't go, but I should to show I care, maybe I can fake cry. But what if I have a meltdown while talking about her.. I don't have to talk about her. Well no she couldn't have died. The news doesn't say so, the death roster does not mention her name, but maybe they'll mention it in a few minutes I'll check again. Did it hurt, how did the accident happen. She can't be dead.. can she? Will I go to her funeral... etc. (Sorry I got a bit carried away.. couldn't stop.)
But another instance would be just coming home or walking into a new home/setting. I take a step in and everything is "loud" to me. The smells are strong, I see the patterns of the wall and floor, I heard creaking, it's cold, etc. I become very aware and reactive. Sometimes even if I'm in familiar places I will act the same way.
Now when an actual threat is present, it's completely different. I'm not sure if it's a form of dissociation or maybe this is actually how I really am, but PTSD kind of.. messed me up a bit haha.. So there have been many times when I saw someone in danger, when I experienced danger, saw the aftermath, etc. I remember when my good friend and I were walking in the mall and this woman just collapsed and had a grand mal seizure (or whatever people call them now.) It was weird because I noticed something was off about her. She seemed a bit disoriented for a couple seconds and when I saw her start to collapse, I was already running to her. I dropped my bag half way and tried to catch her head to lessen damage. It felt like a switch. My mind was clear, I knew what to do, I felt calm despite all the panic from my friend and bystanders. I only knew what to do because of research(I heavily research a lot of random stuff and how to manage a seizure just happens to be one of them.) I immediately phoned an ambulance and told them her possible age, how long the seizure has been going on, that she wasn't choking or throwing up, and there doesn't seem to be any damage that she has done to herself. I could tell them the mall we were in and the location inside.. and it was just clear. I guess. I could hear the way i was talking, I'm aware that I sounded calm and a little bit monotone on the phone, but to my friend panicking my tone was calming and reassuring. I spoke to the one having the fit and it just felt.. I wouldn't say normal, but fine. It was neutral I guess, but a bit better because I wasn't panicking. Usually I'm nervous in malls with tons of people, usually I don't like being the center of attention, heck I usually avoid certain events/activities that bring attention to my very existence.. but this was different some how. I don't know why.
Now another thing that happened recently. (a couple days ago.) This man was harassing me, hugging me, and even tried kissing my. I knew it wasn't safe, but I didn't feel like I was in danger. I did text my friend and made evaluations of the man, his clothing, appearance, etc. My friend was the one who ended up panicking and crying and I had to talk her down. I checked on her, she called my therapist.. but I didn't feel the danger in it. I know it wasn't safe, but I was fine. He yelled at me to walk next to him, he asked me to do errands for him and I wasn't allowed to leave until I finished. He tried getting me to eat food, etc., but I was okay.
Does anyone else experience this? And could this maybe be due to my traumatic event? I went through long term abuse so maybe I find the "chaos" comforting because I'm used to it? I grew up in it. I remembering telling my friend and therapist that I sometimes find it weird when someone is nice to me, but I once had an old friend that would hit me a lot and I actually became a bit closer to her. Not by much, but I told her stuff I've never told anyone and I felt more interested in spending time with her rather than someone else that is friendly. Could this be related to why some people choose to go back int abusive relationships? Because they're used to it?
Sorry for the long thread, I kept getting carried away..
