Infuriating interaction

[Eliza]

So yesterday, I went to an event which took a lot of courage - it meant using public transport, going through crowds, and finding my way to somewhere unfamiliar. Not to mention speaking in front of over 100 people.

I saw someone at the event who is on a committee with me - but I haven't been to any meetings lately because the PTSD has essentially stopped me from going to social events and/or strange places.

The conversation started well:
Her: Long time no see! It's great to see you!
Me: Yeah, it's been ages! Great to see you too.
Her: You're looking well!
Me: Thanks! You too!

Then it went downhill.
Her: No, I mean, it's great that you look so well... I thought you might look a bit... You know...

She then proceeded to wrap her arms around herself, put an "anxious" look on her face, and look around like some kind of victorian street urchin.

Me: Thanks... Well, I'm much better now.
Her: Glad to hear it.

Am I right to be absolutely furious here? The ironic thing is, the event was about inclusivity and disability. There was extensive discussion around invisible disabilities etc. I can't believe she expected me to appear to be a wreck on the outside. It felt like it invalidated everything that I have been through the past year, and invalidated the effort it took to get to the event. I wish I'd have said something about it, but I was too shocked to respond.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sadly, many people think that if we look fine on the outside, we are fine on the inside. And to make matters worse, even professionals do this! It does feel incredibly invalidating. Hugs.

 

[Eliza]

I'm glad it's not just me! I didn't know whether I was just being overly sensitive. But the sheer amount of courage (and medication!) it took me to get to that event made me feel like I'd made a huge achievement (two massively crowded tubes, and a huge, busy exhibition centre to navigate around). I know she meant well, but it made that achievement feel completely worthless because I look like there's nothing wrong with me.

 

[Angelwings]

I'm glad it's not just me! I didn't know whether I was just being overly sensitive. But the sheer amount...

@Eliza It's so hard to be so gravely disabled and for it to be invisible. People just don't understand what goes on under the surface. You were very brave.

 

[Eliza]

Thanks @Angelwings
You're right. It's been super difficult, and I have had days when my disability has been very clearly visible - when I haven't put makeup on, or brushed my hair, or left the house. Or when I've had huge panic attacks at loud noises or sirens. In fact, those days are almost easier because I don't have to pretend I'm ok. It's so much harder to be cripplingly terrified on the outside, but dressed smartly, made up, and smiley on the outside.

 

[ladee]

And this woman... she is simply ignorant and thoughtless, regardless of what her 'intentions' were. And here's the great part. She has absolutely NO POWER to take your hard won accomplishments away from you. Her words and actions did not invalidate all it took for you to achieve and accomplish what you did...

So write her words down.. set fire to them or tear them into tiny pieces and into the trash they go... Ignorance does not have the power or authority to take anything away from us.. Despite how she acted.. you STILL accomplished that almost impossible feat... and yes, you have the right to be upset by her words... but you don't have to give them any power in your own truth... That was her being thoughtless, doesn't change one thing about the strength and courage it took for you to be there....

Lots of hugs if accepted for one awesome accomplishment...:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Mytime]

I agree with @ladee, well said.

 

[Eliza]

Thanks.
Hugs very much accepted!
It's just so infuriating as she's an intelligent woman who I greatly admired (not anymore!). And she played a large part in the inclusivity event. I'm just completely stunned by her ignorance.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Eliza.. Well done for facing all those challenges to get to the event and to speak.. That's amazing..
I honestly think this person didn't know what to say or do... So said something that upset you. Understandable.
That's why we need for events like this one... So people can gain some knowledge and insight.
Or she could just be an asshole.?...

I would concentrate on what you achieved... Not on what she said..... You did great.... X

 

[EveHarrington]

Sadly, intelligence doesn’t really translate to “clued in to the realities of mental illness”. I find that some of the most “intelligent” people can be utterly clueless.

 

[Eliza]

I find that some of the most “intelligent” people can be utterly clueless.

Too right there! She was a literary-type too, which usually translates as more empathetic. But actually, I've met a few literary-types with zero clue about mental illness. Even physical illness in some ways (I was once nearly thrown off a literature course because I have epilepsy. Had to look into my rights, the disability act etc. Not cool.)

 

[Neverthesame]

You're probably correct in how you interpreted this person's miming.
Just for the sake of looking at things from all angles, is it possible she wanted to ask you how were doing without being overheard?

To spare you having your personal issues broadcasted to all within earshot of a crowded room, by gesticulating in such a fashion so as you would understand, but anyone else listening in wouldn't?