Inside or Outside?

[dlross]

I am also most comfortable alone at home, or alone deep in the wilderness. I never quite relax if there is even one person around. I am always keyed to meeting whatever needs / requirements they may have, even if it is just to converse with them. And when I do relax, I mostly just cry my heart out.

When I am in the forest, I know my place in the universe and everything makes sense. I know I am a part of everything I see hear smell feel. Cities are alienating at the best of times. Feeling alone in the midst of a world of people is crushing. Being alone with no one around is effortless, and feels natural to me. I enjoy my own company at least some of the time.

I am feeling like I am sliding away from even those I am most connected to at the moment. I don't even want to see my niece and nephew. It is an effort to communicate. Time to get my meds checked I guess.

I am 47. I don't actally believe my social deficits can be compensated for at this point. I just need to learn to get by. Sorry if some of this is off the point...

A life other that what I have always known remains quite unimaginable.

 

[Portabella]

When I am having a normal day I like inside. However when I am PTSDing hard, I cannot stand to be inside. I have learned to sleep inside, I used to lay outside to sleep. No, I am not kidding.

 

[Cindy]

sleeping outside

Some of my worse nights, I survived by dragging my sleeping bag out onto the pool deck and curling up under the starry sky. I would at least get 1 or 2 hours of rest before the sun rose. Out under the sky you are free to run. Inside you can get trapped.

 

[Shoshin]

When I was a teen and even younger I self-medicated by disappearing into the woods for hours at a time, sometimes all day and even a couple times sleeping out...I grew up in the country, camping, river floating, hiking, so the outdoors have always been a refuge for me, unless there are people around--then my defenses are up and I am like a soldier on guard duty.

I no longer live in the country. When I am at home and cannot escape in my truck to camp or hike, I like to be holed up in my office, at least lately...and that's where I am now, in my fortress of solitude...

 

[linasmom]

I personally don't know who or what I would be or do if I didn't have PTSD.

That breaks my heart because I feel the same way. I don't know about you, but I've always felt that I was supposed to be someone else, and instead I'm me - full of PTSD. Because all of my traumas happened during my childhood, I feel like I was never given a chance to become what it was that I was supposed to be or do in life. It really saddens me.

 

[Cindy]

who we are

I understand feeling the many identities within ourselves. I also grieve for the person I once was before knowing she will never return the same. As someone said on here, something snapped or got broken, and will always be that way.

Accepting that and looking at what is left and making something up from there is a piece of the recovery. Determining who you are now and what you can do for yourself and others is now the question. What is it you really want for yourself? We all have to choose despite where we came from or what you carry within. Picking a job, lifestyle, living arrangements all reflect our needs of who we are today.

 

[2tired2deal]

That breaks my heart because I feel the same way. I don't know about you, but I've always felt that I was supposed to be someone else, and instead I'm me - full of PTSD. Because all of my traumas happened during my childhood, I feel like I was never given a chance to become what it was that I was supposed to be or do in life. It really saddens me.

Exactly. That's the club I belong to. Exactly. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[sunnydaze]

To even think about going into the woods myself or sleeping out at night by myself, I couldn't imagine. My stomach turned as I read some of these replies of doing such. That is the difference between us as individuals, some find comfort and some face fear of just the thought of it.
sunnydaze

 

[Jet]

I love being outdoors. I am happiest when I am hiking, camping, fishing, at the beach, gardening or some such thing. When I am outside my spirit feels calmer...more at peace.

I really can't stand to be inside...I always feel caged and trapped, sort of claustrophobic (no matter how large or small the space is). Sometimes it is ok, can be nice and cozy but for the long haul...yuck. Unfortunately inside is where I spend most of my time. Being outside is wonderful...getting there is the difficult part. I even have trouble getting my dog out for a walk. Being in the city does not help as I always feel like I am on overload.

We are talking about buying a home next year and are seriously considering going east of the mountains (or more accurately, to the mountains), almost to the Canadian border. About 20-30 minutes outside of a mid-sized town. We both like the idea of being able to go outside and see nature as opposed to skyscrapers.

 

[Cindy]

When I'm outside I feel free and part of the cosmos. I tune into the sounds around me. It always gives me a global perspective outwards rather than an inward focus.

But there are times I prefer the smallness and safety of indoors to reflect inwards. Honestly, and sometimes brood or marinate.

One of my favorite things to do outside is go to a State Park near home and sit next to the stream at a picnic table with a large coffee and write in my journal. It is so peaceful. :wink:

 

[Anonymoose]

Sometimes I don't want to leave my bed; other times I can't stand to be at home. It depends on how my symptoms are affecting me. I do observe that my symptoms sometimes make my decisions for me.