Can any of you guys block out painful emotions, memories, feelings? I learned that I can do this, but with another person's "help". What I do is, I place them in the scenario and they endure it for me....when i dissociate....I leaned that whenever I do this (dissociate) I can block the situation from myself, and pay attention exclusively to my version of the scenario, and it's as if it never happened to me because I usually place another person there, and can't recall what happened when I dissociated anyway, so for all intents and purposes it "never happened".....it's lead me to feelings of "identity loss" and "amnesia" though, because I don't associate with most things, and cannot be capable of "cohesion" for most things to identify with....I can't remember what is dissociated for the most part, but I may bob in consciousness, to catch a slight "piece" of the situation, but I check right out again....what is this guys...? I don't recall doing this in childhood (probably because I spent it dissociated duh :rolleyes: lol) , so I have no way of knowing that this goes back THAT far, but I know it helps NOW....what is going on here?
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Inside "our" Mind....
- Post starter AzureMind
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Hi AzureMind
Personally, I think it's typical symptoms for the person who has DID(Dissociative identity disorder) .I'm not sure because I'm not expert, but I remember when I was reading a book on the subject of dissociative disorders, this issue had been addressed as Self Distrust and your story bear a close resemblance to it. So I decided to copy brief quotations that capture the overall impact of abuse and dissociation. It followed by some real life example, and it may help you to understand what's going on.
The dynamics of shame, self-hate, and identification with the aggressor are fundamentally silencing because survivors of chronic trauma learn to distrust their feelings and sense of reality. They come to feel as if they have no right to feel what they feel or to know what they have known for so long. Protecting the perpetrator and protecting the self from exposure become one and the same agenda. Curiosity, self-observation, and reflectivity are suppressed and undeveloped; feelings and wishes become dangerous psychological territory instead of drivers of development. Sexual arousal, desire, and attraction become transmuted into helplessness and powerlessness, invoking major dissociative strategies and defensive patterns of mastery based on sadomasochistic solutions.
False memories of nonabuse or minimized abuse replace historical truth. Fantasies of invulnerability replace realities of helplessness. Personifications and enactments of self-hate replace healthy assertion, differentiation, and normal fantasies of retaliation. Suicidal fantasies fill the void created by the absence of soothing internal objects and privately become a perverse form of self-mothering and self-love. Fears of knowing and being known, and difficulties with regard to taking action (Ehrenberg, 1992) supplant a healthy quest for recognition and intimacy and the capacity for agency. Survivors of severe trauma do not want to listen to themselves. They are exceedingly ambivalent about being heard and believed. To discover the historic reality of their fractured and betrayed existence, and to really know and experience its effects on their present lives, is such an overwhelming proposition that they have chosen, consciously and unconsciously (and in some cases forcibly through mind control), to collude in the silencing and "forgetting" of abusers and collaborating others. DID epitomizes the backfiring process whereby patients "originally victimized by others . . . they could not control, become victims of their own counterproductive survival techniques" (Ehrenberg, 1992, p. 6). In order to survive outrageous abuse and brutality, the chronically traumatized have lost and forgotten their voices.
Some academics view child-abuse survivors as victims not of trauma and neglect but of "semantic contagion" and "false consciousness" (Hacking, 1995), and label female survivors as suffering not from trauma but from memorophilia—addiction to the inspirational and seductive value of their stories (Haaken, 1998). Designated "empowered hysterics" who are mesmerizing their therapists, women have been said to be using recovered memories to escape diffuse conflicts from growing up female, misguidedly taking on the identity of multiplicity as a pitiful tool of rebellion, and all too willingly collapsing their developmental possibilities by following their therapists down the "dead-end street of messianic psychiatry" (Haaken,1998, p. 221).
Here the illustration of this:
"When they made me dance on that stage in front of all those men 1 just took three steps backwards, and then there was some girl there and she was dancing for them, and I watched her do it from far away. Yes, this man trained me first how to act. She was supposed to go over to each man who showed her a coin and dance for
him. She was not me, but I could see her. I didn't like her and I didn't like what she was doing. Even though I know she is me, she is not really me. I hate talking about this."
"I have this weird relationship with mirrors. When I look in the mirror I see this guy there, I don't see me. This is the way it has always been. I have thoughts, feelings— mostly criticisms and negative feelings about that guy but it is not me. I never knew what to make of that."
"I'm really just learning that the abuse isn't happening anymore. That's where the pain is, that's why I can feel pain. But I need you to know that there are parts of me that are still back there, like it's still happening and this therapy is hardest on them. While it is still happening tliey don't have to feel pain. If it's over, the hurt begins. So
it's no victory at all to know it isn't happening anymore and never will happen again."
"One part is relieved I told you what happened, another part fears you're going to make me deal with the feelings too, another part of me is doubting and doing the false memory thing saying you put it all in me: you made me think it and say it, and another part of me is telling me—just ivait, there is more to come."
"I hate thinking about what they [abusers] told me; it's in my head but I don't like to know it's there. I'm afraid to think about if or say it. If I say it I might become it. If I tell you what they taught me I might become wlrnt they taught me. My liead is not a safe place. It can make me turn into someone else."
Personally, I think it's typical symptoms for the person who has DID(Dissociative identity disorder) .I'm not sure because I'm not expert, but I remember when I was reading a book on the subject of dissociative disorders, this issue had been addressed as Self Distrust and your story bear a close resemblance to it. So I decided to copy brief quotations that capture the overall impact of abuse and dissociation. It followed by some real life example, and it may help you to understand what's going on.
The dynamics of shame, self-hate, and identification with the aggressor are fundamentally silencing because survivors of chronic trauma learn to distrust their feelings and sense of reality. They come to feel as if they have no right to feel what they feel or to know what they have known for so long. Protecting the perpetrator and protecting the self from exposure become one and the same agenda. Curiosity, self-observation, and reflectivity are suppressed and undeveloped; feelings and wishes become dangerous psychological territory instead of drivers of development. Sexual arousal, desire, and attraction become transmuted into helplessness and powerlessness, invoking major dissociative strategies and defensive patterns of mastery based on sadomasochistic solutions.
False memories of nonabuse or minimized abuse replace historical truth. Fantasies of invulnerability replace realities of helplessness. Personifications and enactments of self-hate replace healthy assertion, differentiation, and normal fantasies of retaliation. Suicidal fantasies fill the void created by the absence of soothing internal objects and privately become a perverse form of self-mothering and self-love. Fears of knowing and being known, and difficulties with regard to taking action (Ehrenberg, 1992) supplant a healthy quest for recognition and intimacy and the capacity for agency. Survivors of severe trauma do not want to listen to themselves. They are exceedingly ambivalent about being heard and believed. To discover the historic reality of their fractured and betrayed existence, and to really know and experience its effects on their present lives, is such an overwhelming proposition that they have chosen, consciously and unconsciously (and in some cases forcibly through mind control), to collude in the silencing and "forgetting" of abusers and collaborating others. DID epitomizes the backfiring process whereby patients "originally victimized by others . . . they could not control, become victims of their own counterproductive survival techniques" (Ehrenberg, 1992, p. 6). In order to survive outrageous abuse and brutality, the chronically traumatized have lost and forgotten their voices.
Some academics view child-abuse survivors as victims not of trauma and neglect but of "semantic contagion" and "false consciousness" (Hacking, 1995), and label female survivors as suffering not from trauma but from memorophilia—addiction to the inspirational and seductive value of their stories (Haaken, 1998). Designated "empowered hysterics" who are mesmerizing their therapists, women have been said to be using recovered memories to escape diffuse conflicts from growing up female, misguidedly taking on the identity of multiplicity as a pitiful tool of rebellion, and all too willingly collapsing their developmental possibilities by following their therapists down the "dead-end street of messianic psychiatry" (Haaken,1998, p. 221).
Here the illustration of this:
"When they made me dance on that stage in front of all those men 1 just took three steps backwards, and then there was some girl there and she was dancing for them, and I watched her do it from far away. Yes, this man trained me first how to act. She was supposed to go over to each man who showed her a coin and dance for
him. She was not me, but I could see her. I didn't like her and I didn't like what she was doing. Even though I know she is me, she is not really me. I hate talking about this."
"I have this weird relationship with mirrors. When I look in the mirror I see this guy there, I don't see me. This is the way it has always been. I have thoughts, feelings— mostly criticisms and negative feelings about that guy but it is not me. I never knew what to make of that."
"I'm really just learning that the abuse isn't happening anymore. That's where the pain is, that's why I can feel pain. But I need you to know that there are parts of me that are still back there, like it's still happening and this therapy is hardest on them. While it is still happening tliey don't have to feel pain. If it's over, the hurt begins. So
it's no victory at all to know it isn't happening anymore and never will happen again."
"One part is relieved I told you what happened, another part fears you're going to make me deal with the feelings too, another part of me is doubting and doing the false memory thing saying you put it all in me: you made me think it and say it, and another part of me is telling me—just ivait, there is more to come."
"I hate thinking about what they [abusers] told me; it's in my head but I don't like to know it's there. I'm afraid to think about if or say it. If I say it I might become it. If I tell you what they taught me I might become wlrnt they taught me. My liead is not a safe place. It can make me turn into someone else."
- Post starter
- #3
Wow, I don't know what to make of all this....The last bit seemed to alude me to thinking that I'm making it up, or at least that's what I've taken from the entries of these patients....I wish I WAS making it up, but that's not the case....my abuse has ended (for the time being) but I don't EVER know that it will....I feel like if my father died, I could be free....If my mother died I could be free....If I DIED I COULD BE FREE.....death is the freedom....I think I'm looking for....I have no comfort in THE WORLD BUT MY INNER CIRCLE...they never leave, and are ALWAYS there.....
Mohsen, when your inner family is more ready to step in and protect your heart, and well being than your external family, you learn to trust them EXCLUSIVELY....you learn to keep them secret, to keep the pain secret, so you don't have to face it....No person outside of me saved me from it....no one....we we're all alone....there was no savior in my life....I was SOOOO frightened....even as I type this, I can slightly feel the fear, and anger....I can't say to what it pertains to...but I feel chills, that my result in a flashback....thinking/talking about negative emotions that are related to that situation always, ALWAYS arouses that sort of reaction in me.....the desire to be free....to not feel the pain....the desire to return inside; people are volatile creatures, one minute telling you they love you, then saying they hate you, and they are driven to HURT AND DO THE MOST EVIL THINGS....IM SICK OF THAT....I'd rather be alone....but I know I'm not...they are ALWAYS with me...
You see, what you, and the rest of the world may think is a game, is a matter/desire of survival for me....there wasn't anyone who could save me, and death was/is ALWAYS around the corner in reality...a mugger, a psycho, anything....it wasn't until my inner family came into my life that I felt SOMETHING akin to the definition of "Safety and Security".
Mohsen, when your inner family is more ready to step in and protect your heart, and well being than your external family, you learn to trust them EXCLUSIVELY....you learn to keep them secret, to keep the pain secret, so you don't have to face it....No person outside of me saved me from it....no one....we we're all alone....there was no savior in my life....I was SOOOO frightened....even as I type this, I can slightly feel the fear, and anger....I can't say to what it pertains to...but I feel chills, that my result in a flashback....thinking/talking about negative emotions that are related to that situation always, ALWAYS arouses that sort of reaction in me.....the desire to be free....to not feel the pain....the desire to return inside; people are volatile creatures, one minute telling you they love you, then saying they hate you, and they are driven to HURT AND DO THE MOST EVIL THINGS....IM SICK OF THAT....I'd rather be alone....but I know I'm not...they are ALWAYS with me...
You see, what you, and the rest of the world may think is a game, is a matter/desire of survival for me....there wasn't anyone who could save me, and death was/is ALWAYS around the corner in reality...a mugger, a psycho, anything....it wasn't until my inner family came into my life that I felt SOMETHING akin to the definition of "Safety and Security".
Kintsugi
Sponsor
Hm. Azure, I think it is hard to totally understand the text because it is in excerpts, but Mohsen's suggestion about DID... I would look into it. I don't totally understand it, but it seems like it could be applicable. Or ask your professional?
There is a new user here, possibly called... ManyAsOne? Something like that. Seems to be a similar story in terms of having an "inner family"? I think that user is diagnosed DID.
Anyway, I hope you find what you are looking for.
There is a new user here, possibly called... ManyAsOne? Something like that. Seems to be a similar story in terms of having an "inner family"? I think that user is diagnosed DID.
Anyway, I hope you find what you are looking for.
- Post starter
- #5
Thanks you guys.....It's been so f*cking rough lately....it's like all this :poop: just sorta "POOF!" happened! I mean, I thought I was just "stressed" and spacing....I thought if I got some much-needed space from things, and trying to de-stress, things would get better, but then the voice.....a little girl....holy hell...lol I've loosing more, and more time lately....I feel like a TOTAL SPACE CADET, and I'm not....I feel so "unable"....I'm so used to being purposeful, and capable....but now, I feel like I can barely get out of bed and do ANYTHING with my life....I don't even "know" who I am or "what" I want to do with said life....god.....how the HELL did this all happen so fast? Why now?
Anyway, It seems rude to monopolize all the time/spotlight, so MAS, how you doing? Have you been doing better on the Dissociation? lol If it's any motivation to stay grounded, you DON'T wanna end up like me lol :)
Anyway, It seems rude to monopolize all the time/spotlight, so MAS, how you doing? Have you been doing better on the Dissociation? lol If it's any motivation to stay grounded, you DON'T wanna end up like me lol :)
Kintsugi
Sponsor
It's your thread, Azure! We're here for you.
Actually, my dissociation has gotten much worse recently. I started to dissociate in an interview today. Yikes. It was a group interview, too (WTF?), so I was struggling and kept waiting to be swallowed by Oblivion and come to just to see everyone in the room staring at the paralyzed girl. >.<
So, do you have specific people to stand in for you? I have "modes" I go through, but I'm in my body. I just have little control over what I am saying and can never remember what the real me wants or needs or whatever. I do have a lot of people who are developed personalities arguing in my head, buuuut... my T says this is fairly normal/common? Eh. I don't know.
Actually, my dissociation has gotten much worse recently. I started to dissociate in an interview today. Yikes. It was a group interview, too (WTF?), so I was struggling and kept waiting to be swallowed by Oblivion and come to just to see everyone in the room staring at the paralyzed girl. >.<
So, do you have specific people to stand in for you? I have "modes" I go through, but I'm in my body. I just have little control over what I am saying and can never remember what the real me wants or needs or whatever. I do have a lot of people who are developed personalities arguing in my head, buuuut... my T says this is fairly normal/common? Eh. I don't know.
- Post starter
- #7
Sorry to hear that, but look on the bright side, you have me and the broken little crazy pieces of me lol ;)
MAS, I swear, the SAME thing happened to me today; I had an interview/orientation for a job today, and I spaced when my future supervisor had asked me questions....I just laughed alot to play it off, but I think they now officially know I'm a SPACE CADET lol :D
Yea, the funny thing is MAS I do....I have little control over what's said, or what's felt, and honestly I don't remember a thing I say or do during these "spells".....sometimes I feel this "malevolence" come over me, and a smile streches across my face, and I feel like I'm THROWN out of my body observing some of the situation....usually I go in my head when it's TOO severe or TOO scary....some emotions I may feel, or physical sensations send me into dissociation....I'm CERTAIN there are others who are coping "for me" there maybe some things about me that I may find disagreeable, but they don't because they may engender that which I may find contemptuous or troublesome.
I feel broken most of the time.....it's like all the color of my personality has been drained....I don't even remember myself....I feel so "naked" you know?
MAS, I swear, the SAME thing happened to me today; I had an interview/orientation for a job today, and I spaced when my future supervisor had asked me questions....I just laughed alot to play it off, but I think they now officially know I'm a SPACE CADET lol :D
Yea, the funny thing is MAS I do....I have little control over what's said, or what's felt, and honestly I don't remember a thing I say or do during these "spells".....sometimes I feel this "malevolence" come over me, and a smile streches across my face, and I feel like I'm THROWN out of my body observing some of the situation....usually I go in my head when it's TOO severe or TOO scary....some emotions I may feel, or physical sensations send me into dissociation....I'm CERTAIN there are others who are coping "for me" there maybe some things about me that I may find disagreeable, but they don't because they may engender that which I may find contemptuous or troublesome.
I feel broken most of the time.....it's like all the color of my personality has been drained....I don't even remember myself....I feel so "naked" you know?
Kintsugi
Sponsor
If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea who I really am, because I am constantly switching personalities to become what people want me to be or who I need to be. Sometimes I think my friends from college know me better than I do, because I think they've seen enough of all of my forms to synthesize "me" in their heads, but I feel like I'm constantly in a slide show of personalities.
scott_1971_h
Silver Member
Happens so quick doesn't it?! Yes I've been there too. Makes me think how much I discount anything that's not in immediate absolute crisis (crisis I'm good at/used to) I think I have an unconscious death wish...
Scott
- Post starter
- #10
MAS, it's like I feel empty....someone does something I don't know how to react because the experience isn't there to aid me....it's like I'm a brand new baby from the hospital except I have fully developed cognitive abilities but utterly no formed personality.....that's EXACTLY how I feel....like a baby....I'm just trying to hold onto whatever I have in these moments because I swear if I loose any more of myself....I don't even know what lol
Yea, it does....too damned fast if you ask me....and they're rude too!! Just coming in on me whenever they feel like it, and all I can do is watch or just be there by there side, and do nothing....:rolleyes: I mean, do I HAVE to be a "Good Trooper" ALL the time? I'm getting pretty sick of treating my life like a sitcom...just seems hollow.
Scott, do you feel like your body is constantly in "Crisis Mode?" Like you're body is ready for action....? If feel like that ALL the time...I tried to shag someone today (yea, even though I'm an army of one I can still have my fun....lol:sneaky:) and I was so "On Guard" I couldn't work up the "suaveness" to talk to them.....I really felt like I could've gotten some.....I mean I 'm not in a relationship (totally wish I was though) but I figured I get some "Bed Bruises" instead....lol
Yea, it does....too damned fast if you ask me....and they're rude too!! Just coming in on me whenever they feel like it, and all I can do is watch or just be there by there side, and do nothing....:rolleyes: I mean, do I HAVE to be a "Good Trooper" ALL the time? I'm getting pretty sick of treating my life like a sitcom...just seems hollow.
Scott, do you feel like your body is constantly in "Crisis Mode?" Like you're body is ready for action....? If feel like that ALL the time...I tried to shag someone today (yea, even though I'm an army of one I can still have my fun....lol:sneaky:) and I was so "On Guard" I couldn't work up the "suaveness" to talk to them.....I really felt like I could've gotten some.....I mean I 'm not in a relationship (totally wish I was though) but I figured I get some "Bed Bruises" instead....lol
- Post starter
- #11
.....But even if I did "go for it" I'd probably check out.....anytime I feel something intense....especially in the "Nether Regions"
I tend to check out....I can feel that creepy smile creep across my face, and an EVIL laugh come up from my stomach out my mouth.....jeezus...it's INCREDIBLY weird....feeling it even for a few moments.....It's alien, foreign, NOT me....that's only 1 alter/state.....He feels "EVIL"....no other way to explain it.....I'm a risk to others that's not worth taking...:unsure:
I tend to check out....I can feel that creepy smile creep across my face, and an EVIL laugh come up from my stomach out my mouth.....jeezus...it's INCREDIBLY weird....feeling it even for a few moments.....It's alien, foreign, NOT me....that's only 1 alter/state.....He feels "EVIL"....no other way to explain it.....I'm a risk to others that's not worth taking...:unsure:
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