Insomnia Strikes Again

[Nebulustrix]

I haven't been able to fall asleep, and at this rate I won't be getting more than a couple hours rest before I have to be up for work. It's been awhile since I've been on this site - I've had my PTSD under "control" since I stopped putting much focus on trying to date again. However, today everything seems to be reminding me of my abuser, and I've been tense and irritable all day.

I instinctively snatched my four-year-old by the wrist, tight enough to leave a slight red mark that quickly faded, twisting it away from me, because he'd been giving me a rude and bossy attitude and unintentionally poked me in the eye. The tension between us and the sudden pain sent me into reactive "protect" mode and I had to put both him and myself in time-out for a few minutes to keep myself from lashing out at him.

I've been feeling unhappy at work, as there is this looming feeling that I've done something wrong and am now being micromanaged instead of my boss taking the time to talk through how I can do better at my job and avoid getting into trouble. The place I work has a very high turn-over rate, and everyone goes through periods where they describe this "walking-on-eggshells" feeling, like they're just waiting to get in trouble over something stupid, and that feeling has segued into me. Tension has been building in me to the point that I find myself instinctively expecting a confrontation over nothing.

To top it all off, I just generally feel depressed. I feel like my life right now is nothing but a waste of time. I work my butt off all day getting nowhere just to make enough money to pay for daycare and gas, I live with my parents because I can't afford the bills of living on my own, I never have the time or money to focus on advancing my education further or seeking better employment, and I'm getting nowhere fast with my goals and aspirations related to home, work, church, education, etc.

All of this together has been building and building to a breaking point, and I think tomorrow might just be when I snap. I keep seeing "danger" everywhere I go. My body aches. I keep grinding my teeth. I'm short of breath. And I keep getting these little flashes of someone stronger, more capable, more disciplined than me, taking advantage of my weakness and vulnerability. I feel threatened by nothing more than being in the presence of a man with the potential to do me harm, because I feel as though I am incapable of defending myself.

I think it's because I've been spending what little spare time I have at my local gym, working out and trying to get back in shape. There are a lot of really buff guys there all the time and I can't help but feel intimidated by their displays of strength while I'm trying to make my circuits around the weight machines. I'm not light weight myself- I'm pretty out of shape but I've always been a heavy lifter in my core and my legs. My arms aren't all that weak compared to other women either, but everyone else I see using the machines is just... scary.

How do I get back to the things I used to enjoy, if I can't overcome these fears and instinctive reactions? How do I face this tension and relieve this anxiety? I've done the therapy, faced the memories and flashbacks, resolved the majority of my issues, desensitized myself to my main triggers, but being around so many guys who are so much stronger than me and will always be so much stronger than me no matter how much I work out is almost unbearable.

 

[HelenB]

I just read your post and wanted to reply as i know how hard I find it when I cannot sleep and when so may emotions are coming up and am sorry to hear things are so hard for you at the moment and I hope you were able to find enough to get some rest.

I cannot give you any answers to your questions but really hope you are able to find some peace and safety, as it sounds like some of these fears and insecurities may be rooted in trying to find ways to find you can keep yourself safe, and know that this is such an important need and hope you can find it in the ways you need to.

God bless
Helen

 

[Nebulustrix]

It sounds like some of these fears and insecurities may be rooted in trying to find ways to find you can keep yourself safe

Thank you, Helen. I think that is exactly what my problem is. I just don't feel safe anymore. I feel vulnerable and insecure, even moreso than ever because of all the uncertainties I've been facing at work, my struggles with my low income and trying to pay bills, my failures at progressing toward my career goals, parenting, my own parents having emotional troubles (found out today on my lunch break that my Grandpa just passed away), dating failures, and saturation in visually threatening stimulation at the gym (feeling vulnerable working out around guys that are much stronger and more capable than me).

Any illusions of control over my own life I may have held have been shattered and I'm finding it hard to trust and have faith that things will work out as long as I keep giving it my best effort. I haven't been obviously or directly threatened in any way, but everything all together has pulled my security blanket out from under me, I think making me more susceptible to a fearful and defensive response.

Somehow, I've got to find that security again, so the world doesn't look quite so scary anymore.

 

[HelenB]

I am not surprised to hear that it feels as if your security blanket has been pulled from under you, and all the things you are describing are enough for anyone - let alone with the added insecurities which undoubtedly will have come from the PTSD too.

I am praying for you to be able to find the peace, security and safety which you need, so that you can find the freedom for life which you so deserve.

God bless
Helen