Intense fear and sobbing

[whiteraven]

I'm not sure where to post this. I think I've been battling the symptoms of complex PTSD for years, but it wasn't until this past year that someone actually recognized it. Therapists have been trying to treat me with "just" depression all these years - well, depression and DID - but they've ignored the stress reactions I've been having. Not until this therapist and nearly 4 years of very difficult therapy did I finally get a better idea of what I'm dealing with.

But I still am having trouble believing, and understanding. It's hard to talk anywhere, hard to trust anyone.

I've been reacting very intensely to small things. Or seemingly small things. Things that, when traced back, are triggers for bigger things. They are all over the place, but pop up out of nowhere. I get panicked, tear up, start sobbing. It's so intense. And once I start, I can't stop.

I don't know anymore how to function. I have to work, and many of my triggers are there. I'm losing (I've really lost) all hope, and purpose. It feels like this will never, ever stop.

 

[joeylittle]

get panicked, tear up, start sobbing. It's so intense. And once I start, I can't stop.

This was happening to me for a big chunk of time, when I started really talking about/working through my trauma. I didn't think it would ever go away, but it did - after getting into processing some of the events that happened to me. I also got better at my own crisis management, and that helped too. What kind of therapy are you doing right now - and, do you think you are getting enough stabilization skills?

 

[whiteraven]

This was happening to me for a big chunk of time, when I started really talking about/working throug...

Well, we're doing ACT right now, although mostly I'm just going in and crying the whole time and telling him how much he doesn't understand me and he's saying he's sorry and I just need to hang in there.

No, I pretty much have no stabilization skills. Or, I do, but I am completely unable to use them right now. I'm a mess.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug:whiteraven
My heart goes out to you! I wonder if you are on any meds? Sometimes, when digging deep into trauma, it's helpful to have something to keep panic and anxiety at beyI think we all would rather not take meds, but the physical symptoms can be SOOO disruptive! Coming up to hit us...trying to drown us in despair. It sounds like you have made headway, realizing that complex PTSD is a HUGE component of your struggles.

The saying "you have to name it to claim it" comes to mind. With medical diseases people can't heal until the right diagnosis is made. It's like with a C&S...a culture has to "grow out" the specific organism to know how to treat infection. The "infection" in your soul, is being identified. NOW, with it out in the open, it's making a big mess. You WILL be able to "clean up" now that you know some of what is in the "mess."

Something about this therapist has helped you discover more of what you are dealing with. Even though you are struggling right now, it seems to me that maybe now you can find more healing?

Have you ever worked with EMDR? It helped me a LOT with some longstanding issues. It might be that a switch in methods...for a while might help? Maybe working on ONLY grounding techniques for a bit until you aren't quite so overwhelmed?

I am just brainstorming a little to offer support and encouragement. You aren't alone HERE. You can say ANYTHING, and not be judged. Nowhere else can you find so many people who have similar struggles, and feelings. It might be less intimidating to write about what is going on, and you don't have to try to keep your composure. You can be in the comfort of your own home, and not have to drive home from a meeting or an appointment.

I have gotten very close to friends I met in a support forum. After spending HOURS on the phone, I have travelled to meet them, and we are now lifetime friends.

Try to take good care of yourself, be kind to the "child within"? Maybe buy yourself flowers, light candles, and listen to music? Even treat yourself to a dessert or other goodie that you don't usually have?

I don't know if I am helping, but I wanted to throw out some ideas that would maybe help a little? I hope so.

Blessings of Peace, being sent your way...from me, to you. Hugs, too, if that's ok.
((( :hug: :hug: )))
AKJ

 

[Zippy14]

Hi
I'm sorry that you are struggling
I find that in T my emotions are so raw and intense
And it's exhausting and it hurts all over
I have had to learn self care
Self compassion to be ok with the difficult process of healing
Once I come thru the other side
It does eventually happen
I feel better and I make sure I acknowledge to myself how difficult it is and that the pain gets less the more I am able to talk about the traumas and feel the emotions as I work thru them
There are good days and bad days
I hope you have some good days too

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Stabilization and the development of strong coping skills is top priority. These necessarily precede trauma work.

DBT would be a fine place to start.

 

[whiteraven]

:hug:whiteraven
My heart goes out to you! I wonder if you are on any meds? Sometimes, when digg...

Thank you so much for this. I am struggling with not having any support anywhere and not feeling trust for anyone. And another thing, and this feels deeply shameful. I have been diagnosed for a long time with DID. I have been through tons of therapy, and even had some years - many years, really - when I did so well. I earned a Bachelor's and a Master's Degree, and managed to survive through a lot of serious stuff, including brain surgery. But now, here I am, at 55, and it feels like I am falling completely apart again. Worse than I ever did. And that, even though I am gaining some insight into life that I never had before, my world is coming unraveled so very quickly. When I think back over the last several years, I see that I was retraumatized, over and over again, mostly by health professionals, but also that the degree of loss I experienced in that period was so great it's really a miracle I survived it. I just don't know now how to get back on my feet and move forward again.

I do think focus on stabilization and grounding is an excellent idea. Thank you for that!

 

[Canticle]

I'm not sure where to post this. I think I've been battling the symptoms of complex PTSD for years,...

My heart reaches out to you whiteraven. I hope I can extend to some supoort, love and kindness.
I went through a 3 year process of intense fear and despair. I could not talk ir hardly eat. My Granfather was my savior that helped pull me out of that terrible time warp of pain.

He was an advid outdoors men and took my wonerful willderness adventures. He did nit talk must but was wise beyound his years. Just soending time with him helped soothe my fear.

He passed away when I was 7 and I returned to that loney scare. To this day I cycle in and out of that place and I truly understand the difficult burden you are struggling with.

I swim three days a week at a public pool. I go in the early morning when it first opens. It is peaceful and calming. There are many mornings when I have to struggle within my soul to overcome the burden and push the the barriors within. But, my soul is soothed as soon as I dive into the water.
I also connect wiih Mother Nature and seek out all the blessings she offers. She is so beautiful in the morning glow and as the sun sets on her horizon. I remeber hiw gracefuly she mives through the seasons and cherish her beauty within my soul.

I also have a wonderfuly gifted therapist that has helped me to stay connected.
I hope heart and soul that you will find the way to feel safe within. Love is the greatest blessing that I have found whiteraven so love, love, love and love always.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug: whiteraven :hug:
Hang in there! You are in a temporary situation...don't give up, or give in...you can DO this!

 

[Msbliz62]

I'm not sure where to post this. I think I've been battling the symptoms of complex PTSD for years,...

Dear fellow ptsd sufferer-
Please don't give up. Have you googled or checked out your insurance for therapists that specialize in trauma AND practice EMDR or DBT therapy? Please check that out. There's also ACA 12 step program Adult Children of Alcoholics. You do NOT need to have alcoholism in your childhood to qualify-only dysfunction!! I go and it's INCREDIBLY HELPFUL. They openly discuss trauma and the emotions around it. You are never alone in your journey!

 

[corvidae]

re: intense sobbing and fear response: i use some very, very basic grounding skills that immediately help provide some bit of anchor while the riding out the fear and sobbing. once the sobbing starts, it's very difficult to contain and i've learned / am learning the need to express that grief and fear more rather than stuff it down in the moment. some things i use are: rubbing corduroy fabric, certain smells (lavender and peppermint in particular), popping bubble wrap, literally sitting on the bare ground or having direct contact with a large tree. those can usually be utilized wherever i am or can be modified in some way to suit where i find myself.

support for you in your journey, @whiteraven

 

[EmmaOwl]

I get panicked, tear up, start sobbing. It's so intense. And once I start, I can't stop. It feels like this will never, ever stop ... mostly I'm just going in and crying the whole time and telling him how much he doesn't understand me and he's saying he's sorry and I just need to hang in there.

@whiteraven: I'm so sorry that this is a struggle for you. When I finally found a therapist who I felt comfortable with, and vice versa, I spent the first couple of years in long-term therapy crying and going over and over the same stuff. Timing is the great variable, I think, how much time does it take. I was extremely ill and no one thought I would get better. I thought it would never end. But somewhere along the line, I processed the worst bits, the most terrible of the terrible memories. That doesn't mean I never cry or feel pulled apart, but it is not as gut-wrenching as it was when I started therapy. My therapist didn't tell me what he was doing at the time, but he listened to me and was there with me while I went through all these absolutely horrific bouts of fear and crying.

I didn't think it would ever go away, but it did - after getting into processing some of the events

My therapist has said to me more recently that he wasn't exactly sure what to do with me through those times, but while he sat as a comforting presence, he had the opportunity to observe me, and said he could see it helped me. I think it is a very little bit like EMDR. In EMDR, you go through the same memories repeatedly, while there is something sort of ticking, changing brain waves (? Anyone with more experience please jump in here!) but what I did that was similar was go over and over the same things, while sitting with the same empathetic and kind person - (He also had the talent of "putting me back together" at the end of a session, in order to get home safely. That was key. I generally had someone drive me at the very beginning.) I don't know how or when things changed; at some point I thought "Wow. It's been a long time since I went through a whole hour of therapy in tears."

I think the same will happen with you, I truly believe that. Let yourself go if you can, even when it is difficult as all hell, or if you believe you are being boring and repetitive. It's painful, but I don't think it is exactly bad for you - your way of thinking will change. It might take a long time and everyone is different but so many people go through this and come out healthier at the end. Not necessarily "cured", but better. More able to bear the past and start thinking about the future. (IME, and IMHO. I am not a qualified mental health professional.)