Intense fear and sobbing

[whiteraven]

My heart reaches out to you whiteraven. I hope I can extend to some supoort, love and kindness.
I w...

Thank you, Canticle. What a lovely post! It's been days since I've been here. Things have been so hard and I just can't seem to find any hope to hold onto. I love nature and the outdoors as well, but these days I can find joy in nothing except my cats. It seems that whatever I try feels empty. And lately, I am so anxious and triggered by so many things, that I mostly can only go to work and come home. Work is so very bad that it takes every bit of energy I have to make it through the day there, and then my "home" time is spent recovering.

I wish I could swim. The time you spend in the water sounds so relaxing.

 

[whiteraven]

re: intense sobbing and fear response: i use some very, very basic grounding skills that immediately h...

Thank you, corvidae. Yes, with mindfulness, which I practice, I try to sit with and through the feeling or emotion rather than avoid it. Much more useful.

I love lavender and peppermint and have both! I will try them. Thank you!

 

[whiteraven]

@whiteraven:
I think the same will happen with you, I truly believe that. Let yourself go if you can, even when it is difficult as all hell, or if you believe you are being boring and repetitive. It's painful, but I don't think it is exactly bad for you - your way of thinking will change. It might take a long time and everyone is different but so many people go through this and come out healthier at the end. Not necessarily "cured", but better. More able to bear the past and start thinking about the future. (IME, and IMHO. I am not a qualified mental health professional.)

I really need to believe this right now. I do not feel hopeful at all. I feel like I can't go one more day. I go to work and I sit at my desk and just cry. Not good, since I'm in management. But the triggers there are so bad, and some folks are making it even worse for me. I just don't know how much longer I can hang around.

 

[Canticle]

Thank you, Canticle. What a lovely post! It's been days since I've been here. Things have been so...

I am so glad that you have your cats with you. They need, your love and they bless you in their world. Focus on their love and allow them to soothe you as well. You are on the right path beautiful one and you are loved beyound measure. Your soul needs to ache for a moment and it hurts like hell. I so wish I could carry that burden for you.
You are very strong and I am truly proud of your resilience and light within. Love will find a way always. Trust in that and keep moving whiteraven. We are on the right path and we will get there one step at a time. Love is the greatest blessing and all things are possible if we believe. I love you Sister and I am walking the same path. You are not alone!

 

[corvidae]

i second @Canticle re: cats...cats are so present in the moment. mine certainly help me be more here-and-now and also focus on one thing at a time. support to you @whiteraven and your cats!

 

[whiteraven]

I haven't been here long enough to know if how I'm posting is ok. Not sure if I should start a new thread or just continue here. Sorry if this is wrong. Anyway, there is this constant feeling of tension just under the surface, like a rumbling that never goes away. On the weekends and any time I am not at work, I have to stay at home because it is the only place that feels safe. And even here, I can't keep it together long enough to have a phone conversation or read a chapter in a book. Oh, or watch a movie.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((white raven))):hug:
Here's a hug if you don't mind. I am sorry that you are still struggling. I think you are fine posting here...after all...you are dealing with the same issues...

I am SO sorry that work is such a trigger! I have been in that situation, and it DOES feel unbearable!

Are you on any meds that will help you calm down while you are "out" in the world where the triggers are? Keeping your symptoms at bey would help you get through this time. Are the holidays triggering you...or can you pin down what is agitating you?

I think it would be helpful to come by here every now and then just to get your thoughts out of your head, into black and white. We will do our best to support you with our words, and understanding. We REALLY do care!!!

Here are more hugs for you...:hug::hug::hug:

Take good care of YOU...eat a bit...get enough water to drink, and let your cats love on you. Their purring is very soothing.

 

[whiteraven]

Thanks so much! No meds. No doctor at the moment. Doctors have been...mean. I have a therapist, but he's been on vacation. Available by email, but his last response basically was "Sorry you're struggling." Common these days from him. I swear, I think he just copies and pastes it.

It's not the holidays. It's...and I don't know if you can classify this as "triggers" per se...but it's the constant disregard by others. It's repeatedly being treated like I don't matter. Like I am invisible. Like what I think and feel and my work/beliefs/thoughts/ideas are not valuable. There was an incident, also, last week, during which there was gross verbal abuse toward me and other co-workers by another, and that was very triggering to me.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am being constantly pushed under water, again and again, and I am always *almost* drowning. It just never stops.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I would definitely describe the behavior of your coworkers as triggers, and they are "pushing your buttons' of not being heard or valued. Especially when you deal with PTSD...and if it was a problem when you were a child or at least in an important part of your life?

You mentioned that you have worked very hard for a long time to make progress, and that you are uncovering things that have been 'hiding", It makes complete sense that you are reacting to all that work. It's hard to stay "out of your head" while you have to be at work, and in "on" mode. Eight hours a day or more of having to hold in emotions is really, REALLY difficult. Try and give yourself credit for having good work ethics, and doing your best, even though you are in a rough emotional and mental struggle.

Do you have any vacation time that you could use to get some down time?:hug: Self care is really important right now, especially eating and sleeping. Your body needs rest, and nourishment while you are under all this stress. Can you possibly find a doctor, and without going into your therapy, or lots of details, and tell him/her that you need something to help you deal with your symptoms while you are working hard in therapy? Not a "tranquilizer" that is addictive, but maybe an antidepressant that will calm your physical reactions? Those meds do take a few weeks to get to the therapeutic dose. Getting in to a psychiatrist would be ideal. (I realize you might not have medical insurance)

My heart goes out to you...I remember all too well what happened to me at my job when I "crashed" mentally and emotionally. If you are in a stressful job, it makes it pure torture to last for 8 hours a day. I hope that you will find some mental and emotional peace...if only a few minutes at a time....does soaking in a bubble bath help...or having music on? Maybe candles, and/or talking to a friend?

Blessings to you...and hugs :hug:

 

[Hcs]

I'm not sure where to post this. I think I've been battling the symptoms of complex PTSD for years,...

I'm so sorry! I get it! I was barely able to drag myself out of bed for a while, and work sometimes feels like it takes everything I have. I have no idea if this is an option for you, but when I was hardly functioning, my therapist suggested that I go on medical leave. I don't know if you have medical insurance or short term disability, but you may be able to use your short-term disability for stress. I didn't end up doing it, but my primary care doctor was willing to write to have one month off, then check up to see if more was needed. I don't know if it varies state by state, but you could look into it if that feels like it could be helpful.

I totally agree with Angelkeeper - getting some time away from what sounds like a really unhealthy environment and doing some self-care could be really helpful right now. Self-compassion and gentleness <3

 

[whiteraven]

Thank you, Hcs. I've taken a leave at this job (for surgery) once already. I could, conceivably, take another one, but I can't afford it and, because I really want to avoid it. I've considered it, but it would definitely feel like a failure to me. And I've had so many of those.

I'm just so terrified right now. Mostly of returning to work. I know the triggers come from old stuff, but knowing doesn't help. I feel trapped - I am trapped - and I have no real-world support right now. Nobody to be here with me or to help me through this. And it is sooo hard going it alone.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you guys.

 

[Hcs]

Just remember, you are not alone. A difficult work environment can really suck the life out of anyone. Maybe even taking a long weekend could help?

When I feel trapped, I try to look for ways that I'm not trapped (even though it seems impossible). If I'm in a bad job, I make sure to take breaks - walk outside if I can, breathe the fresh air, listen to music or a meditation, at least just leave the office. Even getting up and going to the bathroom to hide and take some deep breaths for a few minutes can help. I'll put on soothing music. Even if I can't change the job, I'll just apply for jobs or look at job postings because it makes me feel like there are possibilities out there. I totally get it if this all seems like too much right now, but just something to think about.

I recently started a new job working for a terrifying boss (screams at people, etc.). I was ready to claw my way out of that place every day and would cry when I came home because I also felt trapped and didn't want to be there. I did an EMDR session about that boss, and honestly, it was like I was a different person. The job is still what it is, but it made me not feel trapped, and I wasn't afraid of her anymore. Maybe that could be helpful at least while this is all so intense?

Do you have other ways that you can feel supported? What about your cats? You definitely have support here. Try to think of something that would make you feel calm and relaxed tonight and see if you can do that. <3