Intensive EMDR week and loss of trust

[Wallflower91]

Hi all,

I just finished my first intensive treatment week for C-PTSD (8 EMDR sessions, exposure and creative therapy) and although some experiences where positive, I struggled with resistance at the end.

The upside is, I can now pinpoint the moment where it all went to shit in my life (9 years old with continues re-traumatization after), the downside is, it went really bad in the 5th session where I completely froze up, couldn't move, couldn't open my eyes anymore and basically the tingling was so bad I couldn't even swallow or speak anymore. After about half an hour I managed to speak, although slurred but still not in a state where I would classify myself as able bodied to leave. I felt pressured to continue with the tight schedule but could see people in the restaurant staring at me worried if I was okay ( I still walked and talked like a zombie and ate some soup with trembling hands). Feeling safe is a major issue for me and at that moment/the next morning my mind decided to go into depressive mode and then numbness took over again as a way to protect myself.

I just feel like this treatment (full program for a week, different therapists every time) is not for me and if even the people specialized in EDMR are pushing too hard and are not able to keep it safe for me, just let me go back in my lonely bubble and I'll try to fix it myself like I have always done... Also during the sessions I felt like I couldn't break trough my critical voice (my mother) and wasn't able to resolve the major issues. I did get some understanding of where everything came from but I need to get my inner critic to shut up and stay outside the room when I try to resolve stuff.. I just need to be able to actually love myself and see myself as worth it before I can continue..

Thanks for reading, tips to keep my hopes up are appreciated <3

 

[arfie]

Feeling safe is a major issue for me and at that moment/the next morning my mind decided to go into depressive mode and then numbness took over again as a way to protect myself. I just feel like this treatment (full program for a week, different therapists every time) is not for me and if even the people specialized in EDMR are pushing too hard and are not able to keep it safe for me, just let me go back in my lonely bubble and I'll try to fix it myself like I have always done...

don't accuse me of experting, but i earnestly believe feeling safe is basic to any life form advanced enough to have a survival instinct. alas, that basic need becomes a power hungry monster when hyper-vigilance kicks in. i resist going back to that lonely bubble because if i do as i have always done, i am likely to get what i have always gotten. i press on with my psychotherapy in healing hopes.

still. . . too much too fast can cause further damage. oh, for the love of balance. . .

wish i had clear and easy answers for both of us, wallflower. every round is a guess. steadying support while you find your own best guess. easy does it. healing is not a race. your time is right on time every time.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I was going to say slow and steady wins the race.

Instead, you are worth it, what can you do to feel safer? Anything you like or are comfortable with to distract and unwind.

Favourite music, film or TV, something to switch off to for a while and take a breather before the next step?

Maybe there is a song you can play straight after or during if you need?

 

[Wallflower91]

don't accuse me of experting, but i earnestly believe feeling safe is basic to any life form advanced enough to have a survival instinct. alas, that basic need becomes a power hungry monster when hyper-vigilance kicks in. i resist going back to that lonely bubble because if i do as i have always done, i am likely to get what i have always gotten. i press on with my psychotherapy in healing hopes.

still. . . too much too fast can cause further damage. oh, for the love of balance. . .

wish i had clear and easy answers for both of us, wallflower. every round is a guess. steadying support while you find your own best guess. easy does it. healing is not a race. your time is right on time every time.

Yeah, I know it should be uncomfortable to heal, however my very fragile mental state doesn't make it easy to stay within bounds with me.. I just feel like someone who knows me and challenges my thoughts and actions in the present has been doing so much more the past couple of months (I was with the crisis department and there was one person who seemed to understand me so well and could do that with). And now I just feel like the progress is halted because of the loss of control of my body and the way it was dealt with.

I was going to say slow and steady wins the race.

Instead, you are worth it, what can you do to feel safer? Anything you like or are comfortable with to distract and unwind.

Favourite music, film or TV, something to switch off to for a while and take a breather before the next step?

Maybe there is a song you can play straight after or during if you need?

I'm not that good with slow haha, I'm just so scared that in the month it takes before eval of this week it's gonna go downhill again.. I got coping mechanisms from the crisis team that has been helping me the past couple of months, but without the appointments to live towards, I just feel so alone... :(

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm curious @Wallflower91 , on the first day of your EMDR did your therapist install a safe place?

 

[Wallflower91]

I'm curious @Wallflower91 , on the first day of your EMDR did your therapist install a safe place?

Nope... And every of the eight session had a different therapist. It was a combination of Imaginary exposure and going into the EMDR when tension was high in order to lower the tension. They had us score the tension during the IE and EMDR so I guess that's the safety they had in place.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Yeah @Wallflower91, that doesn't sound good. The safe place is somewhere you go after EMDR therapy, your creation. I wouldn't have completed it had we not installed it. Most EMDR thearpists follow that protocol and I wonder why yours didn't.

 

[Sues]

Nope... And every of the eight session had a different therapist. It was a combination of Imaginary exposure and going into the EMDR when tension was high in order to lower the tension. They had us score the tension during the IE and EMDR so I guess that's the safety they had in place.

OMFG, Yeah, you absolutely need to do, and practice repeatedly, the safe space thing before you start EMDR. That's just basic stuff, and very necessary. This is not good at all. It sounds like the therapist doing the EMDR was not trained properly and they can cause more damage.

I wanted to ask you, did you do this all in a restaurant?

 

[Wallflower91]

OMFG, Yeah, you absolutely need to do, and practice repeatedly, the safe space thing before you start EMDR. That's just basic stuff, and very necessary. This is not good at all. It sounds like the therapist doing the EMDR was not trained properly and they can cause more damage.

I wanted to ask you, did you do this all in a restaurant?

All we had was a brief explanation of the EMDR and roughly what it is, like following the light from left to right etc. This is one of the biggest orginazation for mental health stuff in the Netherlands, they have a big building with loads of rooms. The only prep we had was a session to determine which memory would be treated in each of the 8 sessions. It just happened to be lunch time after this session.

 

[Friday]

Very first time I’ve heard of this type of treatment schedule. Are you in a study?

 

[Wallflower91]

Very first time I’ve heard of this type of treatment schedule. Are you in a study?

Not specifically that I know of, they did ask me to fill in questionnaires for scientific data collection but I ignored those :')

 

[--Millie__]

in my experience, the best thing you can do after EMDR is to visualize a 'container' of some sort- a jar, a sealed box, even a tubaware and visualize all of the reawakened negative emotions, memories, etc being locked into the box until your next sessions, also having a personalized 'happy place' you are able to go to in your head when these memories become too much

hope these help, EMDR is a great way to heal and deal with tramua but only when done right