Hylie Random
New Here
Hello...
This thread will trigger the triggerable, I suppose...
Just to clear up any confusion, I'm physically female, but feel myself to be androgyne, third sex, and am contemplating *some* hormones...probably no surgery.
(Now that the preliminaries of gender are out of the way...)
I'm a child sexual abuse survivor. All but one incident was incest, the primary abuser being my dad.
Whom I loved, and needed, and he used that need to have sex with me...and I blocked it all out, because I needed him.
I can't remember anything more than glimpses but understand it went on from 6-8.
Now my marriage, I think, is causing more memories to come than I have gotten back previously (With Dad, not many). I'm getting particulars of positions and sex acts. His.
While trying to make love or cuddle my wife.
Not my uncle, who flat-out raped me and choked me half-unconscious so I wouldn't scream in pain...not the neighbor who forced his penis in my mouth when I was four.
And this is because I trust her. I could have great sex with random people, no problem (and what was your name again?) But I am now having sex with someone that the trust has built for...to a place where I feel a very deep love for her.
A love I forgot how to have, shut off when dad did what he did.
I now need her and depend on her.
Terrifying. When is she going to eat my soul? Just because she hasn't in nine years doesn't mean I'm not waiting for it.
But I'm having all sorts of flashbacks. It beats the suicidal hankering I've been having over the last year, but it's awful.
Just another version of the PTSD whirl and hurl...first depression and self-loathing, now flashbacks, panic attacks, agoraphobia.
Oh, and lest I forget, fear of nightmares...I'm afraid to sleep.
So that's where I'm at.
Comments, questions, advice, someone to listen to me complain about how horribly lonely and freakish I feel...all ok.
This thread will trigger the triggerable, I suppose...
Just to clear up any confusion, I'm physically female, but feel myself to be androgyne, third sex, and am contemplating *some* hormones...probably no surgery.
(Now that the preliminaries of gender are out of the way...)
I'm a child sexual abuse survivor. All but one incident was incest, the primary abuser being my dad.
Whom I loved, and needed, and he used that need to have sex with me...and I blocked it all out, because I needed him.
I can't remember anything more than glimpses but understand it went on from 6-8.
Now my marriage, I think, is causing more memories to come than I have gotten back previously (With Dad, not many). I'm getting particulars of positions and sex acts. His.
While trying to make love or cuddle my wife.
Not my uncle, who flat-out raped me and choked me half-unconscious so I wouldn't scream in pain...not the neighbor who forced his penis in my mouth when I was four.
And this is because I trust her. I could have great sex with random people, no problem (and what was your name again?) But I am now having sex with someone that the trust has built for...to a place where I feel a very deep love for her.
A love I forgot how to have, shut off when dad did what he did.
I now need her and depend on her.
Terrifying. When is she going to eat my soul? Just because she hasn't in nine years doesn't mean I'm not waiting for it.
But I'm having all sorts of flashbacks. It beats the suicidal hankering I've been having over the last year, but it's awful.
Just another version of the PTSD whirl and hurl...first depression and self-loathing, now flashbacks, panic attacks, agoraphobia.
Oh, and lest I forget, fear of nightmares...I'm afraid to sleep.
So that's where I'm at.
Comments, questions, advice, someone to listen to me complain about how horribly lonely and freakish I feel...all ok.
