Hello everyone. I would be grateful for people's comments on my situation because I wonder if I might be suffering from some kind of PTSD.
I'll keep it brief because it's late at night over here in the UK & I need sleep!
I'm 36 years old. I've been prone for a long time to depression, anxiety, irritability, occasionally a bad temper, etc. Around 10 months ago all of this suddenly got worse and I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. I spent about a month able to do little else other than sleep and listen to the radio. I gradually recovered and was also able to have some psychotherapy (mostly CBT) at a psychiatric hospital here in London.
I currently take 140mg daily of lofepramine, a tricyclic antidepressant (not available in the USA).
I feel a lot better most of the time. I'm back at work 3 days per week, fairly active physically, eating quite well, sleeping ok-ish. However, I am now in a difficult period because I'm confronting the big issue in my life which seems to be the relationship with my parents, and particularly with my father.
Although I wasn't physically abused, I think I was emotionally abused quite badly. My Dad is a volatile, bad-tempered, intolerant man with a very cruel tongue, and I can recall a whole string of very upsetting, frightening incidents from my childhood and beyond. I was quite a sensitive, bookish child, and I took a lot of cr*p from him. As time went on, our relationship got worse & worse.
Recently (like 2 months ago) I finally found the courage to tell him what I thought of his behaviour, but he seems unable to accept that he is in any way to blame.
I find myself having some quite disturbing thoughts about him. I fantasise about getting my revenge - usually this is just mentally rehearsing how I might destroy him with my words, but sometimes I fantasise about attacking him physically as well.
Whenever I hear him shout, I turn cold on the inside. I don't know how to describe the feeling - it's like a feeling of dread. Half of me is scared to death and half of me wants to shout & scream at him in anger and frustration.
What's more, I'm not particularly bothered by raised voices, unless they are similar to my father's, i.e. same accent & similar use of English. I watched an old drama piece tonight on the TV and I heard so much of that sort of dialogue & accent that by the end of the play I felt complete shell-shocked. I felt great hatred and anger towards some of the characters. When it had finished, I sat staring into space - my mind and body seemed dissociated and I wasn't really aware of my surroundings or any external stimuli. I was miles away, and emotionally completely flat. One or two tears ran down my cheeks but it wasn't crying, although it's about as near as I come to crying these days.
This is exactly what happens when I have flashbacks to this incident or that incident from my childhood.
I emailed my Dad at the weekend and I ended up including a very long list of these incidents in the email. He hasn't responded - yet. I'm very anxious about what sort of response I'll get. I can't stop myself thinking that he's going to come to my home & harass me, attack me, etc. Just thinking about this as I write this posting is making me tense.
There are other things as well. I find myself hypersensitive to the noises he makes. Not just speaking, but stuff like yawning, sniffling, clearing his throat, slurping hot drinks, chewing with his mouth open, etc. All of these things make me very tense & angry. My general coping strategies around that have been to either remove myself from the situation or to consume enough alcohol to anaesthetise myself.
I always think of PTSD as something that happens in response to a single dramatic trauma, but what about longer term chronic stress? Or am I barking up the wrong tree. And how important is labelling anyway? Treatment for PTSD seems to be CBT (with exposure) and antidepressant medication - but that's what I'm already getting.
I'd be really grateful for anyone's advice or comments.
Thanks,
Alan.
I'll keep it brief because it's late at night over here in the UK & I need sleep!
I'm 36 years old. I've been prone for a long time to depression, anxiety, irritability, occasionally a bad temper, etc. Around 10 months ago all of this suddenly got worse and I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. I spent about a month able to do little else other than sleep and listen to the radio. I gradually recovered and was also able to have some psychotherapy (mostly CBT) at a psychiatric hospital here in London.
I currently take 140mg daily of lofepramine, a tricyclic antidepressant (not available in the USA).
I feel a lot better most of the time. I'm back at work 3 days per week, fairly active physically, eating quite well, sleeping ok-ish. However, I am now in a difficult period because I'm confronting the big issue in my life which seems to be the relationship with my parents, and particularly with my father.
Although I wasn't physically abused, I think I was emotionally abused quite badly. My Dad is a volatile, bad-tempered, intolerant man with a very cruel tongue, and I can recall a whole string of very upsetting, frightening incidents from my childhood and beyond. I was quite a sensitive, bookish child, and I took a lot of cr*p from him. As time went on, our relationship got worse & worse.
Recently (like 2 months ago) I finally found the courage to tell him what I thought of his behaviour, but he seems unable to accept that he is in any way to blame.
I find myself having some quite disturbing thoughts about him. I fantasise about getting my revenge - usually this is just mentally rehearsing how I might destroy him with my words, but sometimes I fantasise about attacking him physically as well.
Whenever I hear him shout, I turn cold on the inside. I don't know how to describe the feeling - it's like a feeling of dread. Half of me is scared to death and half of me wants to shout & scream at him in anger and frustration.
What's more, I'm not particularly bothered by raised voices, unless they are similar to my father's, i.e. same accent & similar use of English. I watched an old drama piece tonight on the TV and I heard so much of that sort of dialogue & accent that by the end of the play I felt complete shell-shocked. I felt great hatred and anger towards some of the characters. When it had finished, I sat staring into space - my mind and body seemed dissociated and I wasn't really aware of my surroundings or any external stimuli. I was miles away, and emotionally completely flat. One or two tears ran down my cheeks but it wasn't crying, although it's about as near as I come to crying these days.
This is exactly what happens when I have flashbacks to this incident or that incident from my childhood.
I emailed my Dad at the weekend and I ended up including a very long list of these incidents in the email. He hasn't responded - yet. I'm very anxious about what sort of response I'll get. I can't stop myself thinking that he's going to come to my home & harass me, attack me, etc. Just thinking about this as I write this posting is making me tense.
There are other things as well. I find myself hypersensitive to the noises he makes. Not just speaking, but stuff like yawning, sniffling, clearing his throat, slurping hot drinks, chewing with his mouth open, etc. All of these things make me very tense & angry. My general coping strategies around that have been to either remove myself from the situation or to consume enough alcohol to anaesthetise myself.
I always think of PTSD as something that happens in response to a single dramatic trauma, but what about longer term chronic stress? Or am I barking up the wrong tree. And how important is labelling anyway? Treatment for PTSD seems to be CBT (with exposure) and antidepressant medication - but that's what I'm already getting.
I'd be really grateful for anyone's advice or comments.
Thanks,
Alan.
