Many sexual assault victims feel tremendous shame. That’s very common. That shame doesn’t belong to them but the perp. Give it back. Every time it comes up, try to redirect the anger and shame back to the perp. They are the ones that deserve it. Not you.
I feel immense disgust some times because I remember being aroused at the time I don't know how I can reconcile that arousal with the abuse and sometimes my mind tells me that I can't be a survivor if i secretly enjoyed it.
Being aroused doesn’t mean you liked it or enjoyed it. It’s a normal body response to that kind of touch and stimulation. That’s all it is.
This is part of why sexual abuse, especially of children, is so horrendous. It mixes up what should be good pleasurable feelings with fear and trauma.
It doesn’t make you less of a survivor. At all. Instead, it’s a really common part of being a survivor. There is nothing you did or felt that makes it less wrong and horrible what the perp did.
Self blame and minimization after sexual abuse can be a defense mechanism, a way to cope, to try to find control, when someone doesn’t know how to cope in other ways. You are repeatedly minimizing what you went through and the perp’s responsibility for what they did, and you are describing other difficulties in coping with this and day to day life. You don’t have to be a drug addict to need help with trauma.
What are your hesitations in going back to therapy?
A good trauma therapist can help teach you ways to manage the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks so that they don’t continue to take over, but that you can retake control over them. In solid trauma therapy you can learn grounding and containment skills that can help considerably. It’s also a great place to untangle shame and find new ways to move forward.
If you are not ready for therapy, that’s ok too. It’s your choice.
With the thoughts and memories, it’s not quite that one should always shut them down or just let them flood. That kinda builds up a numb-flood cycle. Instead, a more middle of the road approach is best - but it’s really hard to do this at first.
I’d suggest using the search bar on the forum (or on your favorite search engine) and leaning what you can about grounding skills and techniques. We’ve got quite a few threads on them. If you are not ready for trauma therapy, I’d look into seeing if your school offers any classes at a mental health center (or sometimes even rec centers offer this) on mindfulness. It’s a strategy to be able to be here now, out of the trauma, and when the thoughts and images of the trauma trauma come up, to be able to notice them and let them go, or put them away for now, to do life now and process them when ready.
If you choose to pay attention to the thoughts/memories about the trauma, try setting a timer. I used to set the timer for anywhere from 2-20 minutes. I’d think about it. Let the thoughts be there. I’d write about it. Not to make sense of it, but get it down. Sometimes phrases, words, and sometimes sentences or more. Then I’d imagine putting all of it in a file. If I wrote anything down, I’d put it in an actual physical file or file on my computer. That box/file, I called “the later file.” Might sound silly, but over time, it really helped. Then. I’d go do something else that required all my attention, and id do it mindfully. For example, I’d go play basketball. If I don’t totally pay attention, I’d get hit by the ball. Or I’d make cookies, really mindfully motioning every ingredient. Or I’d call a friend and say, “I’ve had a stressful day can you come do something fun and distracting with me?” If all of that is too hard, there are lots of other grounding techniques. Holding ice or frozen oranges or seeking other safe strong sensations is another way to pull out of being flooded by trauma memories and thoughts. Some have succes picturing a stop sign.
Picturing or putting the thoughts into a box or a file to process through later after a set time, is a common technique a lot of trauma therapists use in a variety of ways. It is one example of a way to pay attention, not avoid, but also not let the memories and symptoms just flood.
Keep taking it one step at a time. It sometimes gets worse before it gets easier, but it does get easier. :hug:
