Irritable, No Joy

[Chava]

I feel like my mood 95% of the time is just low. Unhappy, irritable. And I feel very little joy. Just stress. So I could do things that might help return some joy, but they feel like a burden on my schedule and I feel...irritable. Last night I just had a string of nightmares...my house burning down, being molested and then screaming and breaking and destroying things. The least disturbing part was a garden full of half-dead vegetables. While not extreme like that, these kinds of nightmares feel like an extension of my daily life irritability and feeling trapped. The trapped part I'm trying to sort out...that's sort of a separate post, or too long to add now. But I also need to ask my doctor about a lower dose on my hormones because this just seems like depression. I've talked about needing to make positive connections but not even having the drive or energy. I'm even starting to feel cold and settled into a sort of love void. I just don't like who I am and I want to get away from my current environment, but I do realize I bring myself everywhere I go. So "trapped" in concrete and other ways. I'm trying to work on artwork, to maybe preserve some sort of soul. Beyond that I just don't know what to do (part of the trapped feeling too, I suppose).

 

[BlueOrange]

This thread about nightmares may help: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/reliving-trauma-in-my-dreams.47615/

Be kind to yourself.

 

[Chava]

I made myself do some exercise (not horribly forcing myself, but choosing stuff that I've liked before) because I know it's supposed to help mood. It moved me from irritated and half-dead to more alive and sad. So, that sucks. But I think I'm really fighting against a pull into irritability and no-joy that is connected to depersonalization or bad disconnection. Moving at least pulls me back into myself a tiny bit. So now I can do the laundry without feeling like, "what's the point". Everything shouldn't feel like 100% burden. I just want to stay present and notice that maybe it's not so horrible.

Thanks for dreams clip @BlueOrange , I think I will check it out a little later (too rattled and pissed off if I think about them)

 

[sun seeker]

Hi Chava,
I can relate to feeling bad most of the time, in fact it's been at least 10 years since I've experienced actual joy. I'm sorry it's so hard for you. I could also relate to your dreams (it's the first time I've heard of another person who dreams about vegetables... last night I had a dream about bringing a tank of fish up from a basement and then being afraid they were going to die.)
Sometimes, I have to set aside the expectation that anything is going to feel "good" and settle for just "less awful". Exercise does help a little and it sounds like it works for you. Eating something healthy. Getting a chore done, however small. Sitting outside and noticing the gorgeous fall colours (here anyway, I don't know how it is where you live).
Maybe when things are not too terrible you could make a list of things that help at least a little and put them on the fridge or somewhere you'll notice and remember them the next time you're feeling really bad?
Hope it gets better for you very soon.

 

[arfie]

It helped me to accept progress over perfection. "Less awful" doesn't need to be the end of the journey. Just a realistic phase in getting from habitual suffering to habitual optimism.

Gentle support while you sort your own unique dynamics, Chava.