Is Being In A Relationship Worth It When You Have Ptsd?

[molly63]

My boyfriend and I are just about at our two year anniversary, and communication between us about PTSD still isn't good. I've tried to tell him about it and explain, but all he sees are the symptoms and thinks I just act like a crazy child. I have PTSD from child abuse so I guess I do act like a child... The thing that gets me is even when he should know something has triggered my PTSD, he starts arguing with me and elevates the situation. In that state I don't feel like I can proporly defend myself which leaves me open to him shaming me and calling me a freak among other things. He can really make me want to die in a situation I'm already extremely upset over. He doesn't try to hurt me, he just doesn't understand. It makes dealing with PTSD a lot harder. Does it ever get easier? Do they ever understand?

 

[mamachick]

molly I am sorry for your experience with your boyfriend. I would think that by two years he would get if he is going to. Have you tried couples counseling? That would be my suggestion. I think it is really important for an impartial person to explain things and help two people to communicate in a healthier way, to prevent resentments and further symptoms.

I know that counterproductive support is about as bad as no support at all. I have found it very difficult to find healthy support. My own children and family do not understand nor try, and being single I would not even know where to begin with a relationship. Hoping for the best for you.

 

[molly63]

He has his own troubled past and I think councelong scares him. My own therapist has asked him to join session and he won't. We always can talk about issues after the fact but never see eye to eye it seems. All I can do is try to manage better... The rest is on him I guess.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok so him calling you a freak isn't cool. BUT...is it something that happens every once in awhile during a particularly bad fight or is it a common thing? I ask because everyone gets flustered/upset (not that it's an excuse) and says things they don't mean. But if it happens a lot, I think it shows insensitivity on his end and maybe you two should seek counseling.

Not everyone can understand, but we deserve partners who at least try. I have no qualms about passing up people who don't have an ounce of compassion as I rather be alone than with someone who doesn't even try to understand me.

 

[molly63]

He only calls me that once in a while when things are at their worst and he always apologizes after. It's just so hard when I wish he knew what it was like, I think I might turn him off from learning about it further.

 

[kahlan]

Communication is the key to a successful relationship . Also I can't imagine not wanting to know more about my N. We do have some serious boundaries when it comes to what caused hid PTSD. due to his wanting to protect me froom that and I reapect that. However when it comes to triggers and escalators we both know where the line gets drawn.
Let him know that his disinterest upsets you and if he still isn't willing to work with you maybe he isn't right for you(only basing on the little snapshot you've supplied). Both parties need to let each other know their limits and boundaries. If one half isn't willing to compromise it doesn't make for a healthy relationship.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Even relationships without PTSD or a troubled past are HARD HARD HARD work.

Everyone needs tools to work on something. A healthy relationship is about trust, security and safety....that no matter what conflicts you face, nobody is allowed to walk out the door for good...that nobody is allowed to abandon the other.

My husband and I would never call each other names, though I realize there may be patterns we repeat during conflict that other couples couldn't imagine doing.

When my husband didn't seem willing to problem solve, I read books. I learned about communication, love languages, and gender differences. When I consistently changed, he had no choice but to grow with me. And the same went for him consistently changing with something I was unwilling to work on.

That's what relationships are all about. But it isn't possible without that commitment of security, trust, and safety.

 

[mamachick]

I was married to a man for 17 years who I excused for his lack of learning about first, the medical problems that I had. Second, about what I experienced emotionally. During this marriage we had 2 daughters. Finally, when he was afraid I was going to file for divorce and was serious, he agreed to counseling. Then he missed 2 of 5 appointments. He forgot. Guess it wasnt very important to him.

He did not like counseling because it puts everything on the table. Its out there, and there is another person to witness the dynamics of what transpires in the relationship. A good therapist can see patterns and how each individual brings their own baggage to the table. Some people do not want to participate, because they do not want to open up their own stuff and fear being observed and having to own their actions. Which could lead to owning their own stuff and making changes. Some people fear this for a variety of reasons. But the bottom line is this-if you are important-they will do it regardless of the discomfort. Couples counseling is a road to becoming closer and truley intimate (not a sexual intimacy), but being able to stand naked in front of your partner and trust them with all of your emotions, thoughts, short comings, etc. If they cant do that, I do not believe that it is possible to have true intimacy.

As long as they do not participate, they can deny their own dysfuntion and lay it on their partner, calling them names and suggesting they are crazy. It is fear that prevents partners from going. I can tell you from my experience that the truth will always be twisted and over time, it becomes impossible to seperated who's problems is who's. It is like a vortex and will create more self doubt and erode self esteem.

When you really love someone, you will do just about anything for them, even if it means exposing your own thoughts and feelings to another. It can feel very exposing. It took me 17 years to know that this is not the kind of man that I want to be told I am loved by. I believe in putting your money where your mouth is. Talk is cheap. The more invested we become (through marriage, children, home ownership, all the other things that come with committment), the more difficult it is to resolve as seperation involves future of children, financial loss, attorney fees, feelings of failure, and so much more.

Personally, I would give an ultimatum if I had it to do over again. That would have happened before marriage, kids, mortgage. Counseling will either show that their is enough love and committment to work thru issues, but many times will make it clear that it cannot be worked out. I would rather know sooner than later.

 

[SuZina]

I know it's hard being in a relationship with PTSD. I am in the same boat as you are, me and my bf have been together for two years and he still dosnt quiet understand my PTSD. Sometimes during a bad fight he will lash out and say things that hurt and he doesn't get that any sudden movement or lashing out at me triggers my PTSD from child abuse.

Sometimes he does think I am childish. It's not easy. He doesn't really care to learn about my PTSD because it makes him uncomfortable because he knows he can't help me. Men like to fix things and when they can't sometimes it's easier to ignore that. The best advice I can give you is trying to show him your side of things, explaining triggers and possibly some stories behind them really has helped me and my bf.

It's a long process, but you are not alone. Also being the one with PTSD. You have to look at your significant others side, he doesn't understand why you act the way you do sometimes, he doesn't have PTSD so it's confusing for him. He literally doesn't know how to help or react.

I wish the both of you the best of luck, I know it's hard but hang in there. Love always will find a way, if not maybe it wasn't love.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

"He doesn't really care to learn about my PTSD because it makes him uncomfortable because he knows he can't help me."

Not true. He can't FIX you but he CAN help you. It's crap to have that all or nothing attitude----I can't fix you so I won't even bother with learning about your disorder. It is a world of help just having someone who TRIES to learn.

Why do women put up with this crap? Life is too short to stick with some guy who doesn't give a damn unless he can fix you.

 

[twopenny]

The word that rings alarm bells with me is 'shame'. It's not fair or right for anybody, especially somebody close to make you feel ashamed. Although that said, does he know that's how you feel? If not he may be horrified.

I think a relationship is entirely possible with PTSD, but it takes as much work as any. And possibly different work.

In a bizarrely paradoxical way, I think it's a good thing that hub and I both have PTSD, because, even though it means we have some utter, utter screaming meltdowns, and sometimes say some really nasty things to each other, we ultimately don't have the problem of having to explain how all the PTSD stuff feels. We both know already, so that stumbling block (which can be huge) is stepped over.

In the end though, I think we get through it by talking during the calm times. And by both trying to understand the specifics of why we did things.

The question of do non-PTSD sufferers ever understand is something I'm not sure about. Before I was diagnosed (hub already was) I was really careful not to say I understood how he felt, because I recognised (from reading) that somebody without it can't understand. I'm now beginning to realise I may actually have understood all too well.

But if they can't understand, the can learn, and read up - there's tons of info out there on the web on PTSD, and on how to help somebody, what people go through, etc, etc. That was my first port of call (using some selectivity, not reading every quack website out there) when hub was diagnosed. I wasn't sure I could help him at that point, but I knew I needed to learn how not to make it worse, so I read and read.

One of the most telling (and helpful) things that hub's T said to him once, which he came straight home and told me, was 'if you didn't have PTSD, what would you do?' I'd think about how you two are together and discount the PTSD. If you didn't have it, would you consider his behaviour acceptable? If you would, then that's fine, but if not, then you're going to have to have a talk about how to progress.

 

[Britt.f7]

He doesn't try to hurt me, he just doesn't understand

Okay, I personally think if someone keeps doing something that they know is harmful, and they don't have to understand to know something is harmful to you, than they are being hurtful - trying or not, no excuses. My husband does not, necessarily understand my PTSD from sexual abuse, he is not me, but he works with me and has always tried to help.

Only you can know if your relationship is worth it, but boundaries may need to be put in place. If you say something is harmful to you, he should respect that and truly try not to do it. It may take a little time for some things. He doesn't have to understand everything, but he should understand how his reactions are effecting you and act accordingly.