Is Body Awareness And Breathing A Trigger?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

My therapist gave me a mindfulness guided meditation and as I said sometimes I get scared by my breathing, she said she would give me another one, this is a "body scan" meditation. I know I have huge issues with depersonalisation and derealisation, I'm rarely if ever not aware of the glass/fog/static/noise that I perceive the world through and everything (myself included) never feels real or tangible, - despite my knowledge that it is. It's so abstract living a life where everyone perceives me in their own way, but I don't have any perceptions of my so called "self" if it even is "mine".

I put no pressure on myself to complete the meditation or that I should feel that I should achieve anything by attempting it. Yet the process of trying to become aware of my body as a reality and to feel my breathing as well made my breathing shaky and rapid, despite my attempts gentle or firm to calm it. Instead I started shaking all over and feeling sick and then my breathing virtually ceased as my whole body tensed and I felt overwhelming hatred, disgust and fear, only a few minutes in I had to stop the CD.

Is this about dissociation - was it because the process attempted to help me become aware of myself? Is it about relaxation and trust that my surroundings are safe? Is my body and it's processes a trigger - are these "feelings" such a reminder of distress and my vulnerability to pain?

I am a little disappointed because I thought this would be a calming, potentially (in the long run) healing past-time that should do no harm - I've never read of anyone being distressed by mindfulness or meditation. Has anyone else had such a strong adverse reaction like this either to this or a similar process? Or to trying to reconnect with their self in some way? I'm so confused. Thanks in advance.
I thought this would be a calming activity, good for anxiety just general mental well-being. That's what everyone else gets don't they? I'm a little disappointed but more than that confused.

 

[Justmehere]

I have found it to be massively triggering to do meditation and breathing and body scans as well. A trauma therapist at an intensive treatment program that I went to said it was very common for people to be trigger by trying to connect with their body and doing mediation. He suggested more active things like dance classes and the like, where I had to pay attention to my body, but there was a fair amount of distraction too. After doing various activities like beginning adult dance classes, it got easier. My new therapist later taught me to do body scans as well, and it triggered me all over again. It helped when my therapist suggested I not try to change what I feel, even if I feel dissociative. She wanted me to "just notice" even to just notice what the quality of the numbness was like. She kept telling me, don't try to change it, just notice. Somehow, that helped me. Over time, things did begin to change - but it did take quite awhile. It's something I am still working on, but now, I can say that body scans so generally actually help me clam down. Sometimes it get worse before it gets better, but my somatic based therapist says that this is because there is still "activation" left in my nervous system from unresolved trauma. She says that most of her clients feel worse when they try to even just sit still for a few minutes. You are certainly not alone in this.

 

[Echo]

Prior to the onset of my CPTSD, I did a great deal of meditation; in fact, I taught it. However, now I have it, I cannot do a mindfulness body scan without shaking violently and having strange electric shock-like things happening from my feet upwards. I have no idea why. However, I can listen to meditative music, which relaxes me to some extent. I just cannot do what I used to be able to do all the time, which was to focus into specific parts of my anatomy and calm them. So it seems like I'm another one - interesting to read your posts.

 

[Jane.l]

I find deep breathing creates a lot of anxiety for me - and my T and acupuncturist are always telling me to do it to calm down - they don 't seem to believe it makes it worse for me . Actually this happened today I feel like a total misfit when I can 't even do breathing properly - basic you would think

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi, actually, I just experienced the same thing last week in my stress management class with deep breathing and relaxation. I haven't found a way around it yet, but I just wanted you to know that I experience this too and you are not alone.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thanks everyone for getting back and responding! All I usually read is that meditation and mindfulness are good for anxiety and PTSD and they are good enough to be a line of treatment for some, and an alternative to medication. I was thinking to myself that if it worked so well for so many others with both anxiety and PTSD, why did I get such a strong bad reaction. Now even if I don't know exactly why, I know I'm not the only one (which I was going to be), so this is a huge relief. Thank you!! :)

 

[Meadowsweet]

I wrote a similar thread after my therapist tried the mindfulness thing - https://www.myptsd.com/threads/mindfulness-problems.26705/#post-398203 my therapist said that people do have a different level of reality that we are comfortable with. I have the same issue with aerobic exercise that makes the breathing heavier and makes me sweat.

I am in a different place on my road to recovery now, and I am finding tai-chi very helpful. So perhaps this isn't right for you at the moment, but things do change.

 

[duff]

I can relate to this SO MUCH. I can't do yoga or traditional mindfulness at all. I especially feel uncomfortable with it in close quarters like my therapist's office, or when things are quiet and still around me.

That said!! I have found ways to be in touch with my body that DO work for me. Strenuous cardio exercise, especially distance biking and running, has been a total gamechanger for me. I also like to do my own quirky version of mindfulness when I'm on the subway, commuting. I find that as long as my body is hurtling through space in some way, and not still, it feels safe for me to connect with myself physically in deeper ways than I can otherwise. It's really hard to try to explain, but I think it's just that stillness and getting my body activated makes me afraid that I'll end up trapped, or throws me into flashbacks. In my trauma, I didn't experience fight OR flight... just total "freeze," and I think traditional mindfulness, meditation, and yoga all can trigger that freeze feeling. Not fun. And so I've become a really hardcore distance athlete, because at the end of the day I DO want to connect with my body. So I find ways it feels more safe! I encourage you all to experiment with alternate forms of meditation and mindfulness until you find something that works, even if it is really non-traditional.