Is He Abusing The Fact That I'm Easily Startled? Or.. Am I Misreading?

[AmyC]

I can't tell if my boyfriend is abusing the fact that I'm hyper-sensitive/hyper-vigilant or just messing around... I have told him over and over that coming up from behind me and grabbing my side/hugging/poking/putting hands around my eyes scares the HECK out of me, but he still does it, and laughs too. At first it was okay, and I thought it was just a way he flirted, trying to hug me from behind... but now it's getting very annoying because every time he does that I feel like I'm being attacked... even if it's just for a split second, the fear I get makes me want to run away or shut down. If he knows that it scares me, why does he still do it?

I talked to him about it the other day and asked him to please stop doing it. He said he would, but today we were sitting by each other at college and he reached around and grabbed my side opposite to where he was sitting and I almost screamed and fell out of my chair. He just laughed and it kind of hurt my feelings. He said he 'just wanted to see me jump' because he 'thought it was cute.' I don't know what to do besides try to laugh it off because I'm just don't want to believe he's doing it to abuse the fact that I'm easily startled and that maybe he's just flirting.

I have Aspergers, and reading people obviously isn't my strong point. Am I misreading what he is doing, or is he abusing the fact that I am easily startled for a good laugh? Maybe I'm over thinking it?

I don't want to upset him by backing away or getting mad if he's just flirting, but I've asked him several times to stop... He does this several times EVERY time I see him... How do I handle this?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your boyfriend is an immature jerk.

I don't care if he thinks it's cute or he thinks he is flirting. You set a boundary and he repeatedly crosses it.

Confirm the boundary one more time. Be firm. The next time he does it, be prepared to either walk away from him or accept the fact that he refuses to respect you.

 

[nursenurse]

He is upsetting you. Who cares about upsetting him, really, when it is his action that you have repeatedly asked him to stop, that causes you anxiety. That he does it on purpose makes me angry for you. In any good relationship, the other party would try to stop the hurtful behaviour whatever it was, and would apologize for the slip ups. Trust your gut on this one. You deserve better.

 

[Barberian]

or is he abusing

I suggest telling him that his behavior is plain and simple, actually a form of abuse. It causes you pain. It causes you fear, it causes...

The fact that he intentionally disregards your wishes makes it obvious he truly doesn't care for your emotional and mental well being.

 

[AmyC]

I'm not sure if I feel a sort of attachment to him because I was with him when my flashbacks of abuse started, or what... but I guess I feel like I... owe him? Erm, not sure how to explain? I had my first flashback after he had said something that my abuser often said to me (though the purpose/tone/meaning/whatever-else-possible was completely different). We broke up for a while because the flashbacks were causing me to have 'freeze seizures' (we're not exactly sure what to call them) and it had gotten to the point where I wasn't willing to hug or anything. He was fine with that and gave me my space, but was constantly asking stuff like "when do you think we'll get back together" and what not.

After I had a therapy session he would always say stuff that made me feel rushed, but I know he didn't mean for me to feel rushed.

We were apart for 3 months and I was 'seizure' free. He asked the other night if it was a possibility if we could get back together, and I said I thought it was fine. Guess not. I had a freeze episode a few days later because of a flashback. I slept for 36 hours. I am very uncomfortable with him right now, especially after today with what he did. Not sure if I should call it off again or what =/. I just hate to call it off after a only a few days dating again. He's already told EVERYONE that we're back together, and I don't want to look like a jerk for breaking up a second time. It's really hard explaining to people that the 'seizures' I have are caused from flashbacks. I just don't want people to think I'm a jerk for breaking it off so soon. They don't know about my PTSD or the flashbacks... and I really don't want them to know. I don't hate him... I'm just.... scared? I guess?

I had a seizure at his house one day and I was unresponsive for an hour and thirty minutes. Apparently he said I had stopped breathing for about a minute at one point. I found out later he had been texting my mom back and forth posing as me while I was out saying that we were watching and movie and having a good time and I would be home as soon as I could. I woke up in my mom's car outside of our apartment drenched in urine (I apologize for details) and sweat. My mom had gotten worried and he finally caved in with what was going on and she brought me home but he didn't come to bring me upstairs to the apartment (with live on the second floor). My mom had to wait for me to wake up and be able to walk.

He said he didn't want to call my mom because he was afraid that she wouldn't let me see him again. I kinda get where he's coming from... but I'm still mad. Why do I keep trying to make him happy? It's like he cares but doesn't care. I just don't want to hurt his feelings =/.

Sorry for the long post...I don't have an appointment with my therapist for another week and a half =x. Honestly not sure it can wait until then!

The fact that he intentionally disregards your wishes makes it obvious he truly doesn't care for your emotional and mental well being.

I'd just like to believe he's oblivious at time :(. Everything was fine up until the flashbacks started and then it was like I couldn't stand being touched even more than I usually was.

 

[nursenurse]

Amy, re-read what you wrote. There is no guy that is worth it. Or girl. Equal opportunity. Love should be uplifting, it should make you feel good about yourself. We all have glitches to our relationships and even to our own self worth, but the overall feeling should be positive, not negative. As Dear Abby would say, "Are you better with him or without him?" And to hell with what people think. This is your life to live as happily or as miserably as you choose. Chin up! You have nothing to feel guilty about. Salud!

 

[Bilby]

There's a few alarming things here, and I really think you need to put yourself first. This man is not being respectful towards you on any level and it seems to me he is being dishonest also. You're worth more than that.

B x

 

[Springer80]

The 'man' (and I use the term against my better judgement) is an ASS, frankly I'm surprised you haven't flipped out and punched him. He is shredding you nerves, frying your muscles and zapping you brain. Just because he can't see the damage doesn't mean it isn't happening. You've told him that, now get rid of him.

I'm sorry if I sound over the top but this sort of thing evidently pisSES ME OFF.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In light of new details, I'm updating my stance.

Listen to your body. It is telling you that he is BAD, BAD, BAD.

Who cares what everyone else thinks? Would you tell your best friend to stay with an abusive man just because outsiders who don't know the situation may think she's horrible for leaving him? No, you wouldn't.

This guy does NOT care about you. Let me put this point blank. You could have been DYING for all he knew and he did NOTHING to help you! He posed as you to your mom until he ended up caving. This shows that he is a manipulative liar who will do whatever he can to get what he wants and doesn't care about anyone else. Please drop the guy like a bad habit. Next time you may not start breathing again. (Sorry to be so blunt but it's true.)

 

[Springer80]

It's like he cares but doesn't care.

He cares about having you around and in the position he has you in cos it makes him feel better. Let me upgrade my previous label of ASS to PSYCHO.

I'm aware that the tones of anger on here, albeit about him, may make you feel uncomfortable about yourself or even make you want some comfort from what appears to be the only source of comfort you have, him....or at least Im sure thats what he presents himself as.

The thing is in such a disorientating state that you are in and I can empathise, you often just one thing of total security, a rock, even if the rock is actually terrible. I've done it myself. However, if your rock is re-traumatizing you it's a false security, it's not a security at all. He knows this. He may not be consciously aware of it but he is feeding off it. It is not your business to sort of the mess he obviously is.

You say your worried about 'looking' like a jerk. Well it's true to some people it probably will look strange. But looking like a jerk and putting up with this for the sake of opinion is crazy. Your right he has got power over you in terms of the fact that you are unsure and embarrassed about your condition and people can and are cruel about disabilities. He will no doubt shoot his mouth off or tell people his incredibly biased side of the story (I mean he doesn't sound like the nicest of guys so I'm sure he will defend his position at your expense without any concern for your feelings or health).

The fact is....you can't do anything about that.

You can remove yourself from him. As long as you know you are doing the right thing to take care of yourself, you don't need to explain SH*T to anyone.

You don't say what your relationship is like with your mum, maybe it's not great but the fact is when she's needed she's there from what you say and also us on here, we can and will support you and in time you will get over the worst of this and be able to sort out the wheat from the chaff regarding BF's.

Take Care :hug:

 

[Barberian]

If you plan on staying with him, I suggest Say goodbye to your friends and family, get your affairs in order, making both a will, and a living will.

I'm not a doctor, nor a mental health professional. The fact that he didn't call emergency services when you stopped breathing means he doesn't care if you live or die. He is only looking out for himself. He didn't try to perform CPR. He didn't call emergency services or any other form of help. The fact that he didn't help your mother get you back to your apartment means he doesn't really care about you safety and well being.

I too am angered at the way he treated you, BUT... it is up to you to decide if your life is worth living. It is up to you to decide the QUALITY of your life. From what you have written about him, it sounds like it is going to be a living hell with him, that is if you survive.

If you decide to stay with him, it will be you I am angry with, and you won't receive any more helpful, supportive posts from me again. I know in the grand scheme of things this means nothing to anybody but me. My ego is not at stake here, your life might be.

 

[The Albatross]

This guy's treatment of you, when you were in a seizure and how he lied to your mother by texting pretending to be you pretty much says it all to me. Why did you take him back? What value/ is the pay off for you? When we do things there is always a pay off.