General Is it as easy for him as it seems?

[ThorDogofThunder]

Here's my sob story: Supporter in year three of push-pull (long, sorry!)

It seems so easy for him to walk away or "just be friends." I get the impression that my inability to switch to friendship after all we've been through is odd to him. He is able to disassociate and turn his feelings off--seemingly without ever feeling the consequences. I am not *wishing* he'll hurt or feel pain. No matter what, I'll always only want happiness and peace for him. But I'm walking away from him (after three years) and I'm feeling anger and hurt and grief and bewilderment and he seems so...calm. Almost emotionless. I wonder if he'll ever think back and wish he'd done something different? I'm completely churned up, and it seems so easy for him.

 

[419can.dance]

Here's my sob story: [URL="Link Removed...

There Are so many elements into our emotions. I’m sorry that you are getting this and of the emotional pool. However on the outside one can be totally normal\blank or empty. While inside there is a hurricane of emotions and instability that one cannot grasp.

 

[grimalkin]

My sufferer acts as if we weren't married, hadn't been together for 8ish years. He'll try to tell me stories ABOUT US. It's maddening. And sad. When he does stuff like that, I generally end up crying after I leave whatever we were doing.

He tells people our splitting up was a "friendly and mutual decision," which it was friendly. Because my other option, to use his words, "You can fight it and I can end up hating you. I'm almost there as it is." It certainly wasn't mutual. For him, it's perfectly natural to just...end. Because that's all he's ever known (he had NO examples of healthy relationships growing up, familial or otherwise), and, again, to use his words, it's "too hard to deal with it, it's not worth it, you're not worth it, and I don't want to."

It sucks. All of it.

 

[Justmehere]

and it seems so easy for him.

None of us can get inside his head, but I can tell you that as a sufferer, its not "easy" to deal with PTSD, or all the outcomes of it. Does that make it more likely a sufferer will stay instead of go? Not really.

Imagine you are a mountain climber and someone comes up and breaks both your legs. Is it easy to not be able to climb a mountain the next day? No. Does that change what you can do? No.

Now imagine that he has never climbed a mountain before (never had a steady stable relationship that he has not bolted from) and both his legs are broken (he has PTSD.) Asking, "is it easy for him to not climb a mountain?" sort of misses that he's never climbed a mountain before, doesn't even know the path up that mountain, and he has 2 broken legs...

Does this make sense?

From the other thread, you both recognize he's been bolting from relationships for 48 years. He's done this 5 times in 3 years with you. That's one heck of a well established behavioral pattern to change. For whatever reason, he isn't able/willing to change it right now. I'm guessing it would take confronting to core of his trauma and fears of closeness to change that pattern. If it was easy for him to walk away, he probably would have never walked back. Maybe he's finally facing a hard reality that he can't keep dragging you through it.

Denial is a real defense/coping mechanism that supporters and sufferers both use to handle things that are too painful to face. So if someone is in huge denial, it can sometimes means they are in so much pain they are unable to face it. If dissociation is playing a role, that's not a sign of someone finding life easy. That is someone's brain being SO OVERWHELMED with fight or flight responses, that they are coping by checking out entirely. My therapist says dissociation is sort of designed to be a numbing agent of last resort to make imminent death less painful. If he is facing so much pain that he is dissociating to do something, that's not a sign the task is easy.

It might be just so hard to handle his pain over it, that this is the best way he can handle it. I don't condone it, but I understand it. I have had to walk away from relationships and it was very hard, but it was clear, no matter how hard I tried, I just could not stay or feel all that pain of walking away at the time. I tried to handle it as best I could and took responsibility for my choices and decisions - and the reality that PTSD meant I could not do it anymore than I could climb a mountain the day after breaking both my legs.

Does that make it ANY less painful for a supporter? I imagine not. Unrequited love is hella painful.

 

[ThorDogofThunder]

None of us can get inside his head, but I can tell you that as a sufferer, its not "easy" to deal wi...

Wow. This is eye-opening. On some level, I do understand that this is probably exactly what he's experiencing. He's even described it to me in similar terms. I guess the part I'll always struggle with is why won't he let me help him up the damn mountain? It's easier for him to not bother with the mountain at all, I get that. But the view from the top is revelatory, and I know--I know without a shadow of a doubt--that he wants that view. He craves it. I wanted so badly to be the one to see it with him. :(

 

[Sighs]

Because you can't carry him up the mountain. You could try but its impossible. We're not talking about some half arsed stroll up a hill. And he hasn't got a sprained ankle. We're talking Mt Everest. When you get to the Hillary Step and a storm is blowing in and you need to go single file and you can't find the cache of oxygen in the white out how the hell are you going to help him? You'll both fall and die.

(And I say this as a supporter who would dearly love to carry her own sufferer up Mt Everest so it comes from deep sympathy and shared pain. :hug: if you accept them.)

 

[ThorDogofThunder]

You're so right. And yes, I accept the hugs gratefully! Literally, nobody else in my life understands why I have gone through this with him for so long. So, finding this place, with so many people who speak truthfully and who also deeply understand, is amazing.

I guess part of my frustration is seeing him want it SO badly, and yet not take the steps he needs to take to work towards it. He KNOWS he has these issues, yet he won't get therapy. He's reading "The Body Keeps the Score," which I'm thrilled about, and he sees it as a kind of bible, but he won't take that extra step to begin working one-on-one with a trauma specialist.

I know, I have to let it go. It's not my problem. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to share that problem with me, so off I go. I've so appreciated my (brief) time on this site, though, and wish I'd found it long ago. I don't know that it would have changed the ultimate outcome, but it likely would have made the journey a little easier for me.

 

[Justmehere]

He KNOWS he has these issues, yet he won't get therapy. He's reading "The Body Keeps the Score," which I'm thrilled about, and he sees it as a kind of bible, but he won't take that extra step to begin working one-on-one with a trauma specialist.

Knowing about the issues, and being ready to face them in therapy --- two very different things. Trauma therapy is the HARDEST thing I have ever done, short of surviving trauma and PTSD.

I can imagine how incredibly hard it is to let go... The lessons you have learned navigating this relationship may pay off greatly in future relationships. :hug:

 

[Freida]

, but he won't take that extra step to begin working one-on-one with a trauma specialist.

Because that next step is horrifying. You have to admit there is a problem and be ready for the storm that is going to hit you the minute you dare to open that door.

I completely agree with @Justmehere ...almost as bad as surviving the original trauma