Is It Me Or My Friends? Ca Usa

[Sally sue]

I'm feeling so down :( My T tells me that she doesn't think I should spend much time with my family because of lack of support and past abuse, but so many people who used to be my friends, just dropped away when all this crap hit the fan in my life. T says I'm super responsible and caring for others, which I think is true, but when it came time when I was in need, I guess my friends couldn't handle it. Or I'm just too difficult to be around and I don't jump up and do whatever they want whenever they want because I'm not really the same person, anxiety, counseling, meds and all. And then it feels like all I have is my disfunctional family...which I cant talk to about any of this!

Does this happen to other people? Is it because of past trauma & abuse I don't know how to find "good" friends? Sigh! Thanks for sharing any of your thoughts :)

 

[Valkyrie]

It happens to me alot. Though I am so untrusting of people I never had alot of friends really. However the ones I had thought everything was just wonderful as long as I did things for them and we mostly did want they wanted but I needed support or suggested anything they didn't want to do they either turned on me or walked.

My family is also dysfunctional and of no help I thought it was useless to get close to anyone until I met my husband. when we first met 9 years ago I wanted to run a way screaming in the other direction (sadly I mean that literally) but forced my self to try with him. Now we are happily married and 5 years later I met my best friend.

We are inseparable and closer then some sisters. my husband wants me to walk away from my family as well. Being as they are a large part of my abuse. While deep down I agree with him there still my family and its hard to walk away. I still keep holding out hope that they will get better and I and have a normal family.

I just wanted to asure you you are far from alone. In the last 4 years I have met 3 other women with similar abuse to me. Part of me hates to no that another person know this kind of pain and part of me finds comfort knowing I'im not alone.I hope you find comfort in my reply.

 

[mythreeangels]

I to know what you mean.

After years of dealing with my family and "turning the other check" and "not making a big deal about it" I cut all ties with my sisters and brother. I only speak to my parents.

Friends are the same way as long as I am the one do everything and carrying the friendship is fine but if I ask for any kind of help it's like I asked them to give me their first born. I even had a so called friend that I babysat her 3 out of control kids for free so she could work on fridays to earn extra money.

She got pregnant with a 4th and quit but I continued to watch her kids once a week so she could have a day to rest while pregnant. She would frequently call me bawling she was sick or having a bad day and I would take her ice cream and take her kids for the day. When the baby was born I continued to take the kids and baby once a week so she could rest. I got pregnant and went into preterm labor and spent the next 100 days in and out of the hospital on bedrest. She never called or offered to help with my 2 kids that are the same age as two of hers. I had my baby 5 1/2 weeks early we both almost died and were in the hospital for a long time. She never came to visit or called ( my husband took the day off and drove me to the hospital to spend the day with her when her baby was born) when we were finally released to come home she showed up a week latter with a baby gift she got at the shower I threw her (yep I had to throw her a baby shower after she called one day in tears and I paid for everything) and the present she had hated and complained about at the shower and thats what she gave me. This is how all my friendships are.

As long as I do everything and bend over backwards for them its fine but if I dare ask for help or need anything I am a horrible person. I had 4 surgeries after my baby and I asked her if she could take my daughter home from dance (our girls were in the same class and I live down the road from her) and she threw a fit because that would cut into their dinner time. I reminded her of all the times I dropped her daughter off and she said that's diffrent because that's on my way my house is out of her way. I slowly cut ties with her and she trashed me and my family all over facebook. I don't have facebook because it gives me anxiety reading the lies and fights so I had to hear about it from other people. I don't even bother anymore.

I have my husband and my kids and I am good. I'm a giver and love to help others but their are to many takers out there and I am tired of getting hurt. I swore forever that's all I was put on this earth for was to be used and abused. I guess sometimes you have to stop the cycle yourself. I hope you get the support you need

 

[Echo]

@Sally sue - me too. Exactly as you describe. I've just cut off from my family (temporarily? But it feels like it may be permanent). It's agony and I can't talk about it yet, but I know it is the right thing. And friends whom I thought were friends for life have just departed one after the other. It is stunning, deeply hurtful and it does make you wonder about human nature. The ones who remain are like me and the relationships are based on equal caring, back and forth. If I wasn't so unwell, I'd be able to get out and find new people but for now the focus has to be on me and getting better. I think I will be glad ultimately to have created this space and I hope you will, too. New, more positive things and people can come our way.

 

[Sally sue]

Thank you for sharing, it's awful that you guys had to go through these things, but it does actually help me feel less freakish :( I know I have to let these people go who walked away, and it really hurts me especially when I gave so much support to them BUT that was my choice and I guess I need to learn about more mutual relationships (I think one-sided is all I know). I will keep working on it!

 

[Spiderallis]

@mythreeangels 's former friend sounds a lot like a former best friend of mine. While she was saying all sorts of nasty things about me, I told mutual acquaintances that it was matter of 'ethical differences'. They knew what I meant- I have ethics. I do miss her kids though, we used to have a lot fun.

I'm not in a position to get much distance from my family- still depending on them for some things. The best I can do for myself at this point is to know that their negativity is theirs and no reflection on me. They focus on the down side of things. I'm learning to appreciate and enjoy what is and not fret over what could or should be. It's a big step in the right direction.