Is It Ok To Get Angry At Other People?

[Pencil]

This thread has really helped me to clarify a few things for myself. For me, expression of in-your-face anger is justifiable if there is a clear boundary violation, i.e. if I cross another's boundary, I have to accept that they may attack since I am on 'their territory' so to speak, and they have the right to use heavy artillery to blast me out. On the other hand, if I have an opinion someone does not agree with, I am not violating a boundary and therefore they don't have the right to attack me on my own territory. If they do, it is a boundary violation and I have the right to use any weapon of my choice. If, however, I declare war, they may retaliate in any way they see fit. Once again, this is simply the way it makes sense to me and I don't suggest this as a view that everybody should subscribe to.

At the same time, I recognise that I struggle to shrug off the fact that other people are expressing anger directly towards individuals in verbally abusive rants and then justifying their right to do that... but even so, verbal abuse is not life threatening, but my inward reaction takes it a lot more seriously than I should.

So do I, and that is the reason for my responses to this thread. When I see it, I go cold and my anxiety levels shoot up. I have to stop myself from joining the fray to come to the aid of the person on the receiving end. I've learned that it is counterproductive.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Justifying anger is still masking fear and pain. Understanding fear and pain releases anger. Understanding anger does NOT mean you condone it. It means you rise above it. You don't allow someone else's anger to bring you down. :)

 

[atthree]

I had this reflection of a friend I can't believe everything they say. But yet having PTSD, they really can't believe me either, so this angered me quickly. I feel like a hypocrite, but intentionally to get even with me for something I didn't do consciously.

PS: Sorry, if I'm off the beaten path here, but intentional friends like that who wants them? And I should mention this person doesn't know I have PTSD. I should forgive them

 

[Definitely..maybe]

Even though sometimes I would love to scream and be mad and mean- I couldn't do that to someone. I would feel awful, although some people would definitely deserve it!

As I go through therapy I do find myself picking fights with family abusers. I don't know any way to get them out of my life and sometimes making them mad at me helps me to distance myself.

 

[shimmerz]

I live in a place now where I recognize that healthy for me is a feeling that I am not held captive by other people's responses. I speak my truth with much thought and if that happens to make someone upset (which is never my intention), then I try to come to what may be upsetting them (even if that is me). For myself, it is very important to remember that many people will repress anger and then 'lose it' on someone who they feel is an easy target. It is easier to fight with someone who doesn't know how to push your buttons or as stated above by @Definitely..maybe :

Even though sometimes I would love to scream and be mad and mean- I couldn't do that to someone. I would feel awful

So for people who are holding in anger, or who are not able to properly articulate that to those that they feel can press their buttons and make them feel even more helpless in that feeling if they confront them, there may be a tendency to express that anger to someone who they feel won't overpower them. That way they can decompress leaving the person they have reassigned the anger to feeling damaged as well. The cycle continues if the anger must be redirected rather than put across constructively with the original source of their persecutor.

To me, anger comes with the responsibility that one has if they have a cold. Either stay at home because you know you are contagious, or hang out with the person that gave you the cold in the first place and pass it back and forth until you decide it is doing you no good to keep re-infecting each other. But don't sneeze on an innocent bystander without your hand over your mouth while turning your head away from the person (mindfulness and respect).

Be responsible to get to the root of where the anger (cold) comes from, how contagious you are, and don't pass it on to others who played no part in it. That just makes for a sick world unnecessarily.

My partner used to be in a relationship with a woman who was humiliated all of her life by her size. He said to me that no matter how heated a discussion was between the two of them, he knew he could shut her up in an instant if he said something about her size. He stated that no matter what she said to him or how much she hurt him through those arguments he never used that against her. He knew it was a button he could push but chose to stand on higher ground. If we choose to spread the damage to others it makes the world a much more difficult place to live. What is to be gained by that? It just comes back to us in the end.

 

[Pencil]

So for people who are holding in anger, or who are not able to properly articulate that to those that they feel can press their buttons and make them feel even more helpless in that feeling if they confront them, there may be a tendency to express that anger to someone who they feel won't overpower them. That way they can decompress leaving the person they have reassigned the anger to feeling damaged as well. The cycle continues if the anger must be redirected rather than put across constructively with the original source of their persecutor. To me, anger comes with the responsibility that one has if they have a cold. Either stay at home because you know you are contagious, or hang out with the person that gave you the cold in the first place and pass it back and forth until you decide it is doing you no good to keep re-infecting each other. But don't sneeze on an innocent bystander without your hand over your mouth while turning your head away from the person (mindfulness and respect). Be responsible to get to the root of where the anger (cold) comes from, how contagious you are, and don't pass it on to others who played no part in it. That just makes for a sick world unnecessarily.

I know this is a very long quote, but all of it is equally important. This is excellent.

Now we still have to deal with justified, healthy anger, expressed openly, clearly and honestly :)

 

[Meadowsweet]

To me, anger comes with the responsibility that one has if they have a cold. Either stay at home because you know you are contagious, or hang out with the person that gave you the cold in the first place and pass it back and forth until you decide it is doing you no good to keep re-infecting each other. But don't sneeze on an innocent bystander without your hand over your mouth while turning your head away from the person (mindfulness and respect). Be responsible to get to the root of where the anger (cold) comes from, how contagious you are, and don't pass it on to others who played no part in it. That just makes for a sick world unnecessarily.

This is a simple analogy that makes so much sense.

 

[shimmerz]

Now we still have to deal with justified, healthy anger, expressed openly, clearly and honestly :)

@Pencil, I think that we can only get to that in a true sense by investigating what is making us angry 'overall' and dealing with that. Otherwise, it is too difficult to see the trees because we get lost in the forest. Get rid of the underlying and pervasive anger (which is usually an influence in our lives that we feel helplessness and fear to if we stand up to it), deal with it (much simpler to type than to do) and then we see the day to day issues more clearly.

 

[Philippa]

Ahh man..you were doing great. Next time allow your humor to kick in!!! The problem with venting is people take it personally. That's their problem.

Oh I had some fun with it for a while. I basically asked them all how they get by in life without ever venting and if I never did I'd explode or need an enema. :D

The thing was, they were all on some ego trip trying to "help" everyone on the forum, and when I demonstrated that I didn't actually need their help...that venting alone helped me work out what I needed to do about the situation...they couldn't handle it.

That's how it seemed to me anyway. It was a personal development forum so every little thing you said was turned into some massive 'growth opportunity' they thought you needed. A person couldn't just vent...there had to be some big transformation that they wanted to be a part of instigating in you. It was like constantly being forced into an intervention situation.

Eventually I did crack it though, so yeah, I was doing well for a while, and then digressed.

 

[Pencil]

@shimmerz I'm trying to work this out in my own mind, I'm trying to look at universally applicable rules. To me, it comes down to boundary violations. But I might be missing something important.

And I'm not going off at a tangent here; it still relates to @Meadowsweet's original post: "Is it ok to vent anger at others?" Clearly, the blanket answer 'YES" cannot be correct. But neither can the blanket answer of "NO" be correct. So, the conclusion is that anger, and the expression of that anger is sometimes justifiable. I am trying to work out the rules for when it is okay and when not. Physical threat is a justification for violence - but it does not have go hand-in-hand with anger, I think we might mistake the adrenalin rush for anger.

I'm like a bull dog, I know, for the simple reason that anger is one of the 6 basic human emotions. It is as natural as laughing or sleeping. Whenever I become angry I feel guilty. Expressing anger leaves me mortified - which is nonsense. I want to get to a point where I can discriminate between justified, healthy, normal anger - and express it without fear, guilt and torment, and misplaced anger - and get a grip on myself.

 

[shimmerz]

@Pencil I absolutely agree that it is about boundary violations. I can only speak of my experiences. When I worked through my right to be listened to and that I had the right to be wrong without fearing the reactions of others, boundaries become a lot easier. This took a ton of work but well was well worth it for me. I practiced with people that I trusted first. I still need validation at times to make sure I am being fair but am starting to trust that I am, by and large, emapthic and fair. That had a ton to do with watching my triggers and working on them so I wasn't so reactive and listening to people who didn't just validate me but challenged me as well.

I think the key in this quote:

@shimmerz "Is it ok to vent anger at others?"

is the word 'at'. At, to me, means that there is a dumping of anger from one to another. In my experience, this is not helpful to anybody involved. I feel like it just leaves room inside me to absorb even more anger that in turn I would need to offload again. An endless cycle. That is why my statement in my previous posting of getting to the root of where the true source of anger exists is important I think. It helped me to stop the cycle.

I had ghosts in my past that left me with a belief system that said 'nobody listens to me'. Others may have different systems depending on their past experiences which might include 'I must win this fight or (many statements depending on past experiences), Form me, my belief system led to a tendency for me to over react. I noticed there was little positive experiences in the moment in this - it wasn't helpful and caused endless grief for myself and others.

I find no issue with expressing that I am angry but I am work with the intention to work through it, listening and be listened to is the ultimate goal. That requires respect on both sides. Respect stops the moment we or others stop listening. We can't listen to the person in front of us (in the moment) when we are listening to our ghosts. We aren't the only ones with ghosts. We may be trying to work with someone with ghosts as well. I work best with those that understand that I am worthy of being listened too because I care enough to listen to them.

The post about the user (sorry can't reference who said it) about someone venting to to the poster as a neutral party and getting to that the source of their anger which was actually sadness was to me, profound and a great way to work through things before engaging. That is a great example of venting productively so that we can understand ourselves and our reactions first. It allows the person who needs to express that anger to have an understanding of what drives them first. It gives us the opportunity to see our issues first. Then we can focus on the other person, already knowing what part we have played and what ghosts of ours (thus taking responsibility) are playing a part in the situation.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think the key in this quote: Pencil said: ↑ @shimmerz "Is it ok to vent anger at others?" is the word 'at'. At, to me, means that there is a dumping of anger from one to another. In my experience, this is not helpful to anybody involved.

I find no issue with expressing that I am angry but I am work with the intention to work through it, listening and be listened to is the ultimate goal. That requires respect on both sides.

This is excellent.

I feel I can put this together with the earlier post about using 'I' statements, rather than 'you, them' statements, as a way to communicate anger without that anger being aimed 'at' others. This seems a more natural response when the person feeling angry is accepting that it is their issue, and are willing to work through it.

Perhaps from the other side, it is easier to give that respect and support when the angry person is accepting that their anger is their issue to work through. My fears of others anger is that I am being held responsible for somebody elses issues, and I feel the threat of abuse as a 'punishment'. My reaction is to put up a cold brick wall and get away from the angry person. That of course leaves them without support, and leaves me with my fears being reinforced.