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- #181
Meadowsweet
Diamond Member
So, as you had verbally abused your boyfriend, is it healthy for him to then verbally abuse you for being insulting etc?
Where does it stop if both of you were to follow this rule?
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Is It Ok To Get Angry At Other People?
- Post starter Meadowsweet
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So, as you had verbally abused your boyfriend, is it healthy for him to then verbally abuse you for being insulting etc?
Where does it stop if both of you were to follow this rule?
Meadow-
As I indicated in my last sentence, I recognize that I did not handle my situation like a mature adult. However, though two wrongs do not make a right, verbal abuse is subjective. I think being called a Beyotch, 'Ho, or Nigga- is degrading and offensive. I think those terms promote a racist, misogynistic, abusive mentality, but some people consider them terms of endearment. Some people like whips and chains. For some people, being spanked, slapped and tied up is their form of adult entertainment. Personally, I'm not into pain, but there you go.
I said that I shouted and slammed the door. I did not insult, humiliate, or invalidate him. I did behave like a 3 year old, and I acknowleged that with my last sentence. I can see how you came to the conclusion that I was being abusive, based on my statement, but I feel I need to clarify. My boyfriend and I have known and loved each other in one way or another for the last 30+ years. Since I was 8 and he was 10. That's a very, very long time. Sometimes, and I'm sorry that I justify my immaturity, but on rare occasion, this is how he and I relate. I promise that if you were to ask him if he ever felt abused by me, he would laugh in your face and his he-man, hoo-ha ballz would order him to be offended. This man has been stabbed, shot at, had his teeth knocked out, been laid out cold with a sock full of quarters….all before the age of 18. This man is about as tough as they get and I am in no way, shape or form a threat physically/sexually/verbally/emotionally. In fact, you might even say that our fiery, passionate exchanges are just warming up for the make-up sex that comes later.:tup:
Long story short? While my boyfriend is a wonderful boyfriend and respectable hardworking man, it does take my she-male, hoo-her, cement ballz to get his attention when we disagree. He will also tell you that he loves to preach. This comes from being a 22 year old seminary drop out (he realized he could not prevent his *ahem* ballz from giving orders, so he quit). Bottom line, sometimes he needs to close his mouth, stop justifying his behavior, and LISTEN:banghead:. When he gets on his soap box, it takes a force of nature to get him off of it. An occasional door slam and a "hey, you….listen closely pal!" is the only way that happens…….
As I indicated in my last sentence, I recognize that I did not handle my situation like a mature adult. However, though two wrongs do not make a right, verbal abuse is subjective. I think being called a Beyotch, 'Ho, or Nigga- is degrading and offensive. I think those terms promote a racist, misogynistic, abusive mentality, but some people consider them terms of endearment. Some people like whips and chains. For some people, being spanked, slapped and tied up is their form of adult entertainment. Personally, I'm not into pain, but there you go.
I said that I shouted and slammed the door. I did not insult, humiliate, or invalidate him. I did behave like a 3 year old, and I acknowleged that with my last sentence. I can see how you came to the conclusion that I was being abusive, based on my statement, but I feel I need to clarify. My boyfriend and I have known and loved each other in one way or another for the last 30+ years. Since I was 8 and he was 10. That's a very, very long time. Sometimes, and I'm sorry that I justify my immaturity, but on rare occasion, this is how he and I relate. I promise that if you were to ask him if he ever felt abused by me, he would laugh in your face and his he-man, hoo-ha ballz would order him to be offended. This man has been stabbed, shot at, had his teeth knocked out, been laid out cold with a sock full of quarters….all before the age of 18. This man is about as tough as they get and I am in no way, shape or form a threat physically/sexually/verbally/emotionally. In fact, you might even say that our fiery, passionate exchanges are just warming up for the make-up sex that comes later.:tup:
Long story short? While my boyfriend is a wonderful boyfriend and respectable hardworking man, it does take my she-male, hoo-her, cement ballz to get his attention when we disagree. He will also tell you that he loves to preach. This comes from being a 22 year old seminary drop out (he realized he could not prevent his *ahem* ballz from giving orders, so he quit). Bottom line, sometimes he needs to close his mouth, stop justifying his behavior, and LISTEN:banghead:. When he gets on his soap box, it takes a force of nature to get him off of it. An occasional door slam and a "hey, you….listen closely pal!" is the only way that happens…….
- Post starter
- #183
Meadowsweet
Diamond Member
That's ok if it is agreed between you, but the question on the thread is more general.
the reason I quoted as I did, was not a judgement of your relationship (that's between you), it was just pointing out the contradiction. You say that verbal abuse is subjective, but in your initial justification for expressing anger directly towards others, you said that it was ok if someone is verbally abusive.
But if I say something that from a subjective view, you take offense at, how would you determine if you were justified to direct anger at me?
the reason I quoted as I did, was not a judgement of your relationship (that's between you), it was just pointing out the contradiction. You say that verbal abuse is subjective, but in your initial justification for expressing anger directly towards others, you said that it was ok if someone is verbally abusive.
But if I say something that from a subjective view, you take offense at, how would you determine if you were justified to direct anger at me?
Meadow-
I totally see what you mean about the contradictions. Sometimes I miss the bigger picture, however hard I try not to miss a thing. Sometimes in life we are justifiably angry. That's life. Someone lies to us, cheats us, hurts us, anger is appropriate and justified. What is not right is how anger is expressed, I agree. Disagreements should always be resolved calmly, respectfully, maturely. In a perfect world.
Anger, justifiable or not, is a negative energy that festers until it is released. Releasing that anger is either going to be done on the spot, or it is going to build upon itself until it get's unleashed full force on others who don't deserve it. Not to say that anyone deserves angry outbursts, but for heaven's sake, we don't live in a perfect world. Even the most healthy relationships have moments of lost tempers and hurt feelings. But, as I said, there is a huge difference in calling a stubborn someone out sharply for their behavior, and destructive abusive fighting.
You ask me what I'd do if I, subjectively, took offense to something you said. My response is this. Just this. What we are doing right now. Respectfully exchanging ideas and giving each other food for thought.
I am being somewhat facetious when I say verbal smack down. What I mean is more of a "hey, next time you loan my money out, try asking me first, buddy! I am very pissed that you put me in the position of either looking like a selfish, heartless bitch to the roommate, or gifting my resources to someone who earns more than I do." Both me and my boyfriend have been managing our own money since long before we re-united 5 years ago. I don't want or need anyone telling me what to do with my money, or lending/spending it for me. He wouldn't like it, and neither do I. At the end of the day, he apologized to me. He was able to see the error of his ways, and that was because I was honest in my anger, expressed it without causing any damage whatsoever, and, hopefully, he will not do this again. This issue would not have been settled by me sitting back and keeping my mouth shut and my hands in my lap like a good little girl.
I don't know what works for everyone else, but…..this is what works for us. It has for 30 years and still going strong. Thank you very much for your input, Meadow. You have given me something to think about……... :)
I totally see what you mean about the contradictions. Sometimes I miss the bigger picture, however hard I try not to miss a thing. Sometimes in life we are justifiably angry. That's life. Someone lies to us, cheats us, hurts us, anger is appropriate and justified. What is not right is how anger is expressed, I agree. Disagreements should always be resolved calmly, respectfully, maturely. In a perfect world.
Anger, justifiable or not, is a negative energy that festers until it is released. Releasing that anger is either going to be done on the spot, or it is going to build upon itself until it get's unleashed full force on others who don't deserve it. Not to say that anyone deserves angry outbursts, but for heaven's sake, we don't live in a perfect world. Even the most healthy relationships have moments of lost tempers and hurt feelings. But, as I said, there is a huge difference in calling a stubborn someone out sharply for their behavior, and destructive abusive fighting.
You ask me what I'd do if I, subjectively, took offense to something you said. My response is this. Just this. What we are doing right now. Respectfully exchanging ideas and giving each other food for thought.
I am being somewhat facetious when I say verbal smack down. What I mean is more of a "hey, next time you loan my money out, try asking me first, buddy! I am very pissed that you put me in the position of either looking like a selfish, heartless bitch to the roommate, or gifting my resources to someone who earns more than I do." Both me and my boyfriend have been managing our own money since long before we re-united 5 years ago. I don't want or need anyone telling me what to do with my money, or lending/spending it for me. He wouldn't like it, and neither do I. At the end of the day, he apologized to me. He was able to see the error of his ways, and that was because I was honest in my anger, expressed it without causing any damage whatsoever, and, hopefully, he will not do this again. This issue would not have been settled by me sitting back and keeping my mouth shut and my hands in my lap like a good little girl.
I don't know what works for everyone else, but…..this is what works for us. It has for 30 years and still going strong. Thank you very much for your input, Meadow. You have given me something to think about……... :)
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Oh I see...well, I'm not a mind reader, so I had no way of knowing that those words triggered you, and you didn't really point it out to me...you told me to be careful you were about to bite me.
That came across as hostile, so I think my response was fairly natural...and it felt pretty personal to me. I was going by what I read on the screen, which you had not given me any context with which to understand and 'get' the humour in it.
You then went on to tell me I had no sense of humour about something I didn't even understand because you didn't point it out to me. To me you were having a go at me for not understanding something I couldn't possibly understand because you didn't tell me the greater meaning behind the words that triggered you.
I can see now how it was funny what you said, but can you see that I had no way of knowing the finer details of how my words triggered you...given that I had no knowledge of what he made you do or how you triumphed before you shared that information in your last post? I quite literally had no idea what you were talking about.
I'm glad it helped in some way, but it would help me if you would be clearer in the future if I do trigger you, not just leave it up to me to decipher your words and what is going on for you.
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Survivor2Thriver
Gold Member
Do you always tell complete strangers you want to stroke their hair? LOL
He didn't "make" me do anything. I was held down against my will. My brainwashed sister helped him. He thought I feared him enough to do what he demanded. Ask yourself what is revelant? His D in my mouth or me biting him. LOL I refuse to be a victim. :)
@Philippa,you are trying to play the victim. You are certainly free to do so. Clearly we handle trauma in vastly different ways.
He didn't "make" me do anything. I was held down against my will. My brainwashed sister helped him. He thought I feared him enough to do what he demanded. Ask yourself what is revelant? His D in my mouth or me biting him. LOL I refuse to be a victim. :)
@Philippa,you are trying to play the victim. You are certainly free to do so. Clearly we handle trauma in vastly different ways.
No...only people I feel bad for. Are you trying to make me feel bad for feeling bad for you? I don't feel bad for the way I felt.
I'm sorry. I guess it was a little inappropriate. It was well intended.
I'm not playing anything, you are trying to make me out to be though. You are certainly free to do so, but that don't make it so I'm afraid. That's merely your opinion. I can see I was not being threatened or warned...it just seemed that way due to the way you worded things and provided absolutely no context as to what you were even talking about, expecting me to 'just know'. People aren't mind readers.
If you cannot admit that you gave me no context whatsoever in which to understand your story, and then told me I had no sense of humour for not finding it funny, then I cannot make you...but everyone else here is a witness to that. I had no idea what you were talking about. That's not making myself a victim, that's saying it like it was for me. Can you tell the difference? Are you that incapable of taking responsability for your own part to play in poorly communicated posts?
At this point I'm going to bow out of this conversation. I don't like the way you communicate, or the way you operate either. I'm interested in people who don't expect others to read their minds and actually provide context for what they share, so I can understand what is being said.
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Survivor2Thriver
Gold Member
Are you aware PTS survivors dislike being touched? Are you aware many readers "heard" the same thing as me?
I called you out in a humorous manner. To prompt you to "think before you speak." And shared why. If you choose to continue whining about it. You are certainly free to do so. :)
- Post starter
- #189
Meadowsweet
Diamond Member
Just my two pence of input after reading the conversationof @Survivor2Thriver and @Phillipa - perhaps feelings are best expressed straightforwardly.
"I feel touched emotionally/sad/sorry/angry at hearing about what happened to you and would like to offer comfort"
"I feel anxious at hearing the words, stroke my hair because it reminds me of the abuser"
What do you mean by 'PTS' survivors please? Post traumatic stress is the way I understand the initials, but that doesn't make sense to me, with regard to what you've said above.
On a forum of this size, it is more logical to assume that as many people heard something different to you than heard the same. I don't think that positioning yourself as part of 'many' adds strength to your own view. I respect your view as your own individual view, but to stand up as the many against one, doesn't seem necessary. I'm just me, Phillipa's words neither triggered me, nor would they comfort me.
"I feel touched emotionally/sad/sorry/angry at hearing about what happened to you and would like to offer comfort"
"I feel anxious at hearing the words, stroke my hair because it reminds me of the abuser"
What do you mean by 'PTS' survivors please? Post traumatic stress is the way I understand the initials, but that doesn't make sense to me, with regard to what you've said above.
On a forum of this size, it is more logical to assume that as many people heard something different to you than heard the same. I don't think that positioning yourself as part of 'many' adds strength to your own view. I respect your view as your own individual view, but to stand up as the many against one, doesn't seem necessary. I'm just me, Phillipa's words neither triggered me, nor would they comfort me.
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- #190
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Lets please avoid this thread being a cat fight thank you.
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