Childhood Is It Possible That I Was Sexually Abused As A Child?

[AMK64]

Last night I watched spotlight, that movie about catholic priests sexually abusing children. After I watched it I got this weird feeling that I've had on and off for awhile, that something wasn't right, that I had been sexually abused?? I've been doing a lot of research on the topic and there are many things I've experienced that point to sexual abuse:
1. Excessive masturbation in front of my parents and brother that didn't stop even after I had been told to stop
2. Blurry memory of childhood
3. I started masturbating at a very young age I just can't pinpoint exactly what age, I know it was before I was 11 for sure, possibly when I was around 5-8.
4. I never let shower water hit me in the face and I hate being hit in the face with pool water
5. I used to draw countless pictures of me at the doctors office being innaproptiatley touched by doctors
6. I remember my one male doctor used to tickle me a lot
7. I played doctor with many kids and it always felt wrong (I experimented with my cousin and my brother and others), my cousin and I were caught and we got in trouble but we kept doing it for a long time, up through sixth grade maybe seventh? playing doctor involved touching, I was very young, I didn't know what I was doing but I am deeply ashamed
8. When I was in the fourth grade (I think it was fourth grade) I remember a girl who was a year older than me introduced me to sex stuff I believe she French kissed me one time and I was always hesitant and afraid but she had me show her my private parts, she said we should take our underwear off and touch each other, which we did
9. I hate being touched by my family, I never hug my dad or brother
10. My doctor/gyno fetish started so young and I have no explanation for it
11. I would always pretend to be at the doctors office when I masturbated
12. I have depression and anxiety
13. I started dressing promiscuously in fifth grade through middle school and some high school
14. Everytime I go to the doctor I get sexually aroused and nervous
15. The same doctor that tickled me when I was younger put his hand on my thigh and squeezes it a lot
16. I am always on edge sexually

I feel like I'm just making this up, I'm very confused and deeply ashamed. I could really use anyone's thoughts on this, thank you.

 

[twinkle30]

Lots of those experiences are normal. Almost every single kid plays doctor. Also having an "unusual" fetish is normal. I have a friend who was never molested that is a dominatrix. So your fetish pales in comparison to hers.

 

[Suzetig]

A lot of what you describe is very normal for kids at different ages - I think we often underestimate just how young children are when they start to become sexually aware. For example quite small children will touch themselves, realise it feels good and continue to do it for comfort when anxious. Children will draw pictures that could be considered sexual in nature at times without even realising it because they've not quite joined all the dots in terms of understanding sex and sexuality.

I do hear your anxiety though and when we're anxious it's easy to put 2+2 together in a way we haven't before. The reality is that, in the absence of a memory of something inappropriate happening to you, no one can say whether you were or weren't molested. If you're seeing a therapist just now it would be work talking through your concerns but try not to talk yourself in to anything either - it may be that you'll have a feeling something isn't quite right but never get a memory to explain the feeling.

 

[Sideways]

You know, it's possible you were abused. It's possible that actually, mostly that stuff is pretty normal. It's possible that watching a deeply disturbing film deeply disturbed you.

If you were abused, then maybe these thoughts are your brain's process of slowly giving you access to memories that it hasn't previously let you near.

Either way, try and find a balance between keeping your cool, and listening to your gut. If your gut is seriously telling you that the pieces of your life aren't quite right, then find a T and talk to them about it. If there's something waiting to come up, it will, in its own sweet time. If there's nothing there to come out? You walk away knowing yourself better, feeling reassured, and having more self-confidence about who you are.

Either way, there's no rush. Panic is unwarranted. Have a think about talking to someone who knows this stuff, and if it feels like the right thing to do, make an appointment and see where it goes:)

 

[mary1979]

I've been led to believe that awareness of ones sexuality typically occurs at around age 7.

Generally though that's also the age a child will become self aware enough to know that those kinds of explorations are meant to be kept private.

It could quite easily go either way for you, maybe its just a case of being accidentally being exposed to something that sparked your curiosity in a way you didn't feel ashamed?
Perhaps a doctor needed to examine you in a way that sparked it?

Or maybe you have something more sinister blocked.

Be wary though, you don't want to create traumas for yourself where none exist.

 

[Anarchy]

Wot the guys above said.

There's no way to know unless memories start to come back, and what you describe is not unusual, so for the time being, try not to overthink it. learn to ground yourself, and learn some simple mindfulness to stop the thoughts from taking over:facepalm:.

About one third of people respond strongly to suggestion, especially if their normal defenses are down:wideeyed:.

as a result, it can be very easy for them to drasticise about all sorts of things; health and mental health included. think of the relative or neighbour who always convinces themselves that they have ebola, mad cow disease or something like that:sick:. I'm not suggesting that you do that - far from it. you've come here for a reality check, which is a very healthy thing to do
Just be careful not to go where the person who thinks they've got ebola has gone:wtf: