strugglingdad
wow. that took some guts. because of my mother's mental health, some of what she did to me and my sister will be kept as family secrets till both my parents (who somehow are still married) are in their graves. but it gives me the chills your account of talking to your father regarding your diagnosis, treatment and a sampling of your traumas. parental guilt can be huge. again that coupled with my mother's frail mental health is why we will continue to keep from her how much she hurt us. four days before my seventeenth birthday I let a modicum of this pain out. in response, my mother tried to kill herself. so there are some reality based fears here about her health.
BUT I guess I'm fortunate in one way--my trauma is two fold: my youth and then in my adult years being the victim of an almost two year criminal situation with a very bad tenant in our building. my folks know I have PTSD. but my wife and I have been able to shift the majority of the blame onto this most recent criminal trauma. but my doctor has me working hard not just on this more recent trauma but the collective traumas of my youth including me being the sole person intervening on that suicide after breaking through a locked door to save her. and my own ambivalence from that day because I was so very tired of living my life to care for her. a small part of me wanted to let her just go... but I couldn't.
anyways, back on topic and general thoughts regarding this thread:
I've told a few friends--old close friends and new friends who have tipped their hand regarding their own experiences in life--about my PTSD. it's been just a few. and it has helped me begin to trust the world again, begin to reverse some of the severe social withdrawl that I have engaged in on and off throughout my life since I was about six or seven. I'm trying to learn new habits because to some degree I don't think I ever gained a full set of normal social skills when it comes to maintaining relationships. I got some of them. and I'm a good person. but some key things, including being able to actually express anger or difficult emotions or my own weaknesses were trained out of me from a VERY early age as our house tiptoed around my mother's condition and her resulting needs as she lived without treatment.
so yeah, though it's scary and good judgment and caution must be exercised, I have found it helpful to tell a few people. also in choosing whom I tell, I've felt that I've gained a bit of power in relationship to my disability. not everyone needs to know. and those that know don't always need to know the full story of what I went through. and I'm getting more and more half truths and white lies in my pocket when someone I don't want to tell inappropriately pushes for more information. ie. when I'm pressed about why I'm not working currently and what sort of health issues I'm dealing with, I now say "Don't worry it's not fatal. It's just a neurological disorder. I'm in intensive treatment. Doctor's say it should be a manageable situation in a few months if all goes well, but for now the treatments suck." and I leave it at that. I've found this bit of information is enough to calm the curious and it's a half truth I can live with being out there in my social environment.
in other words, I too am finally beginning to learn how to hold a wider range of nuanced boundaries in my life as opposed to where I was even two months ago with ALL OPEN or ALL CLOSED. does this make sense?
