Is nipple pinching considered sexual abuse?

[Dill]

Take a breath. I’ve actually gone to some lengths to not give a definitive answer to the OP’s question.

In terms of whether anyone “has the right” to define someone else’s trauma - that’s literally what the OP has asked members to do. Expressing an opinion on that is what the thread was opened for.

you’re right, i’m sorry.

 

[whiteraven]

She’s my mother so it’s hard for me to think of it as abuse but I had a friend tell me it was, so I wanted objective opinions.

I think we get incredibly hung up on labeling things. I personally don't think what you described is sexual abuse, but does it matter? The question is, does it bother you that she did it? Did you see it as abusive? Are you suffering effects from it emotionally since then?

 

[Applecore]

My mother used to pinch my nipples from 9-11 or so when she noticed I wasn’t wearing a bra(I used to hate the feeling on my skin) I used to get really upset and cry but she would do it anyway, enough to hurt. I was thinking about how as an adult I don’t enjoy my nipples/chest being touched. She’s my mother so it’s hard for me to think of it as abuse but I had a friend tell me it was, so I wanted objective opinions.

It's certainly inappropriate communication in my view, and a good start for a general appraisal by you of your mother's wider behaviour; yet from my own experience I can understand why it might not be right for you to refer to it as "child abuse" which tends to prompt ideas of beating or rape. I agree with others here that it might not be the best way forward to use that label, for several reasons.

One is that I try to be vigilant about my own 'vulnerable narcissism'. I was abused as a child but I was not raped or beaten, and I so don't want to define myself as a victim of child abuse, because I don't want to be stuck there. Rather, I've wanted to analyse what on earth was going through my parents minds when they did what they did to me, and then take it from there.

IMHO, part of becoming a mature adult is to understand where our parents' dysfunctional behaviour came from and what it means for us in the future.

Our parents can be on a power trip because they lacked power. They may mistreat us because they were mistreated. They may humiliate us because they feel inadequate. They may sabotage us because they feel envy. They may criticize us because they feel shame.

It's a myth that mothers only ever love their children. It's taboo to say it, but mothers can have destructive instincts towards their children too.

We need to learn to set boundaries if they are unable to see boundaries themselves. We need to tell them that what they did was wrong. They need to learn, and we need to forgive them. And we don't have to forgive them, but I am sure it helps us if we can.

 

[Applecore]

I also disagree that it’s dependent on whether or not the abuser was seeking sexual gratification. This is because, many times, especially when children are involved, SA is not about sexual attraction or arousal. It’s about power. SA is not sex. And people who abuse small children don’t think of it as sex. They think of it as a gaining of power.

Additionally, there are numerous situations where someone can be violated in very inappropriate ways that you may not be able to think of. For example, when I was 2 years and 10 months old, I had this urology test done to see why I was getting UTIs. The doctor egregiously hid many of the processes involved in the exam from my parents, and my mom wasn’t allowed in the room during it. The doctor lied and they would not be touching me down there at all, let alone putting things inside of me, which is what happened. Many men (nurses) held me down while others touched me and stuck things inside me. My mom only found out years later, when I was a bit older and opened up to her about it (I can still remember it). She was infuriated and wanted to sue the doctor, but the doctor was dead. Were the nurses who were following the doctor’s instructions seeking sexual gratification? No. Does that take away how I was violated? No.

And I mean, a family friend started molesting me at around the same time, and to be honest, I don’t think my little brain was very clearly able to tell the difference. Impact over intent, especially when it comes to violating children’s bodily autonomy.

I am so angry for you at reading this. I mean furious, at the abuse of power by so-called medical professionals. I wish you all the power and strength that you may need today.

 

[Muttly]

You've gotten a lot of answers, and some are probably not going to be helpful to you. So, how are you doing all this?

For me, I'm not going to weigh in on whether it was sexual abuse. I used to ask those questions all the time. Really, what I was trying to do was justify my reaction to things that had happened to me. And taking an incident(s) out of the context was likely not to give me a useful answer anyway. For example, if I posted and said "my mom used to tug on my hair, is that abuse?" can get vastly different responses from folks. If I explained my mom was verbally abusive and she'd tug on my hair and laugh and tell me I was weak and pathetic when I said I didn't like it is a very different experience than if I said my mom used to tug on my hair and I hated it and when I finally told her she apologized and stopped.

Part of healing, has been realizing I don't have to justify my reactions. Even if no one else would react like I did or do, that doesn't change how I reacted. That doesn't change the fact that what I really need to do is understand and find healthy ways to deal with my reactions. In the second scenario I gave above, abuse is probably not going to be a useful label. However, if it's still something that you struggle with it's worth exploring why. It's worth figuring out what will let you settle those difficult feelings.