Is Relationships Realistic For Someone Like Us?

[shimmerz]

I met someone (a friend from years past) about 2 years ago. He gets it somehow. I apologized all over the place for everything I was deficient at in the relationship. He sat with me. He assured me. He is my rock. I think you said it when you said he was from 'a different world'. Isn't that the world we are all trying to get to? One where our pasts are not hugely affecting us in a negative way? Maybe it is all about him teaching you right now how to live in the moment. He obviously feels love from you - and I have been told over and over again by people that they love me but their actions don't match. Words are cheap, so don't stress if you can help it.

I wonder if just for a day you took a leap of faith and trusted that just for today he does love you, if that would help you ease up on yourself?

 

[Rumors]

I have been married 12 years. Before that, my husband and I dated for about 6 or 7 years. Needless to say when we were married there wasn't much unfamiliar territory. However, I have never been good at relationship normals or intimacy on any level. My parents weren't affectionate AT ALL and fought a lot. Starting at a pretty young age, I was abused by a relative so I don't feel like I really have a grasp on relationship normalcy and things that "couples" do given that I thought I was going to have to marry this man that abused me. I know that different relationships have different normals, but do people just sit on the couch holding hands watching TV? Does your partner walk through the house naked? Do you share food off a fork? Does he/she grab you from behind to initiate intimacy? Do you just hold each other in bed?
I never thought I would be married and prior to marriage we kept separate houses. We both had great jobs and were financially independent. Obviously we spent the night at each others house, but when I needed space I just went home or sent him home. Prior to dating him I really never "committed" to anyone...ever...and if they got too clingy I would send them packing. I enjoyed a range of people and their company without having to do "intimacy." I am lost. My husband is really kind of similar in the respect that he doesn't do PDA and really isn't touchy/feely... Thank GOD! However, there is a part of me that would love to know what that feels like and what goes along with that even though it scares me to death. I know this sounds stupid for someone mid 40's to be asking, but I really don't know. I would like to hear others experiences with their partners and how they navigate intimacy and what intimacy looks like. I know it is more than just sex... Keep in mind that no one in my family knows about what happened to me as a kid so open dialogue is not an option. That's another subject and is complicated...

 

[Lionheart]

Yes, a good relationship is realistically possible and even probable, if both parties are totally committed to it. :happy:

I've struggled with a relationship for the past 8 years,. mainly because I was not prepared for a healthy relationship. I had never seen one and didn't even know what one was till 2007. Even then, it was just an idea to me.

I had to unlearn old dysfunctional behaviors and to learn new healthy behaviors. Also I had to learn to love myself first, then learn to set boundaries, to be honest, to self-care, and to love fully.....among other things.

I finally have a best friend, lover, and life partner with whom I share a very strong and special connection. I think because we have overcome some difficult hurdles, the relationship is strong.

My lady friend stood by me through the difficult times and my sometimes heartbreaking attempts at having a healthy / happy relationship. She has had to be patient (and I as well).

Finally, we were able to communicate effectively, set appropriate boundaries, accept responsibility for our half of the relationship etc., etc..

We are both totally committed to our relationship and are willing to attend couples counseling at any time, if deemed necessary.

We are both very happy together and this is good news as we both have PTSD.

 

[blackemerald1]

He knows I have ptsd and I try my best to protect him from it. Right now I am so numb to feelings it is exhausting me pretending.

@Cherokee stop protecting him from yourself and your ptsd because IMHO that is not you.

Your bereavement issues and the anniversary's you are facing may be part of your exhaustion.

Everyone with PTSD and a life of trauma and failed relationships has "alone" issues. I think they come with the "beast". (PTSD)

If you know you have a good guy and he has a wonderful family. If you know that he loves you, give it your best shot...but please don't leave him because you think somehow you are too damaged to be loved.

Love is a big word. Let yourself be loved, learn to be loved. And learn how to love back. Yes you can have a wonderful life with this man. But above all be honest with yourself and with him and maybe you will be just as loved if not more.

 

[Ellabella44]

cherokee i think its possible... my husband comes from a large but stable loving family, they are close, enjoy eachothers company and i try to protect him from the worst of this. thing is it may be, that hes still seeing things you are trying to keep from him anyways. pretending isnt helping, he seems to want to have you let him in and share this so he can be there for you. I'm working on doing that with my husband right now. If hes been with you a long time your guy has to know some of whats going on.

rumors i know exactly what you mean... my husband and i have been married for 17 years, dated for 3 prior, but i moved in at 3 months... pretty much on suggestion of a friend of his wife ... shes already here every night why not move in? scariest thing and he asked me to change things about the house, but i really couldnt not knowing if id stay. i had symptoms of this before my 20s but didnt go for any help not knowing what it was and it wasnt nearly as bad as what i have now.

I supressed for some time, so we are just dealing with things now. nope dont cuddle on couch, dont hold hands, none of the "mushy" stuff , and that includes cards as well. instead we try to make eachother laugh. despite all of that the " fire is on the stove" and he gives me space, as much as I need. I often describe our relationship as well a bromance with benefits since outside the bedroom there really isnt that much intimacy. it just works somehow. cant really explain it.

 

[Powder]

I think relationships hinge on reciprocity: "I will do this for you" and then "I will expect you to attempt to treat me with love and/or respect IN KIND."

Where my relationship with my husband runs aground is when we have differences in how we define what we want or need from the other person is NOT the same as what they are currently prepared to offer.

As many posters above mentioned, there is a need to continually update the relationship with new skills and communication (takes work). Both people need to be willing to change somewhat to keep updating together at a good enough pace to match.

Of course, you two are vastly different as you come together, but how are you both willing to grow and change to make the relationship work?

I see a different angle: frankly, it's not always the PTSD person who needs to change and grow. I 100% agree that the PSTD survivor will always have more emotional baggage to check, but I also see ways the survivor may be scapegoated when the supporter is not able to see his own need to change or grow. It is not 100% of the time the survivor's job in every instance to adjust to the supporter's ideals of relating. Both parties need to be willing to mediate the balance.

This, to me has been a latest setback. He has his own issues with his mom that he still hasn't gotten to process. He probably will, but it's clear that adult children of alcoholics have their own processing they need to undergo. He seems to be taking out his rage with his mom on me, and it may be unconscious at this point. I'm committed to giving him the same patience he has shown me. If I do, I know there is a strong possibility that he could heal down the road somewhat.

I will continue to work on this and to show him that it is healthy and normal for someone to feel slighted, even in a good relationship, and that it's safe to say so, and seek resolution in a caring way. Right now, he sees this as a direct challenge. I'm not sure why.

Thus, I believe, after 20 years of being with this person, that I have done a load of work on myself and have experienced occasional times in which he also needs to update and grow his awareness. He also needs an emotional checkup now and again. We both do. :) He can't always assume that if there is a difference, I'm the one who has the issue only. He's gotten a bit lazy and is hitting the same button, just because it's been the right one on several occasions.

 

[Powder]

This vulnerability, it hits the "helpless button" hard. There's a shame that I carry from not being able to defend myself. And I was shamed when I tried to get help. Your post shows that you have had a hard life and he's not had that.

Our popular media and human culture sets impossible standards for relationships. Anyone who has survived any kind of trauma needs to know that it's gonna take extra teamwork to build a life together.

What seems to be causing your hesitation and confusion?

 

[Friday]

Are relationships possible for people like us? I would like to think so.

 

[Sing2me]

At this point I don't see how it's poss to ever work, at least with him. They have a 1950's mentality of how women should act and I am very independent. He needs constant attention and I need time alone. This makes me shady to his family and him suspicious. He thinks he should be allowes access to my information on this forum. Snatches my phone at out of my hand to go through it ect... I Don't condone this behavior and put my foot down. I'd like to believe it's possible too but I don't see how for myself personally. I Was much happier alone.

 

[Friday]

If anything... This adds another tick in the 'yes' column for me. As you're in a relationship, and
- can identify the parts that are not working for you.
- are defining & placing reasonable boundaries
- are not willing to put up with a bad relationship for the sake of any relationship

That sounds healthy, to me.

Add to the fact that these are normal relationship problems. Not PTSD just nuked another relationship, but a healthy & considered decision that this isn't the guy for you.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Sing2me every relationship and partner in a relationship have for a better phrase call them "bad habits". No its not okay for him to restrain your independence, but that doesn't mean the relationship is shot. It just means he needs to understand and you probably find that difficult to communicate this to him. Please try. Have a sit down and talk about it session and stay on topic. Same with his constant attention seeking, you must tell him when he needlessly distracts you for selfish reasons. As for privacy on this forum that is a must for you and in all relationships both partners have their musts and must not. Its a learning and communicating process and its also called respect.

Give him the opportunity to tell you why he is doing these things, let him talk till he is totally finished. Then kindly tell him that you are learning to heal and give the relationship everything that you can for now. Remind him that he is in a relationship too and your expectations of each other are going to be different until you meet somewhere in the middle. He may think you are trawling a date website when you are on the forum here. He might be mystified by the fact that you come here to seek opinions and read about PTSD. All you can do is tell him he need not be worried because you are not the kind of person to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. This is not a chick flick for you. You are trying and obviously he is being trying.

All relationship must grow from somewhere. Your not wasting your time or his. I do hope you stick with it and try to communicate on a level where he can understand. Obviously, setting boundaries regarding needing space is important to you. The thing is, maybe if you can get it through to him that you need that space to come back to be close to him, he may not resent it.

I lost my husband because he could not stand my PTSD apparently after 10 years and he had been having an affair for the last two years before I accidentally found out. He pushed the PTSD button every time there was an issue that came up because he knew it would knock me down. Since our separation he has jumped from woman to woman to woman, He loves to fall in love and when the first flush of romance wears thin, he finds fault with the woman and leaps into another false relationship. He's a dud. I actually feel foolish I married a dud, but then again we all make mistakes.

I have now been alone for 7 years. I don't like it. I am scared of another dud coming along with juvenile ideas of what relationships are and how they have no idea of the honesty, trust and hard work they take. I know it feels 'safer' to be alone, less complicated and all that stuff. But, you don't have a dud I think. So give him a chance to see and hear the real you and your needs and give him the same in return. See if it improves. Remember he is not psychic you are going to have to communicate clearly and kindly how you feel, think and need. Do the same for him. Hope this helps.

Best of luck.
B1

 

[ihateusernames]

I can't tell you whether this relationship will work out for you, but it is possible. My husband and I were both royally f*ed in the life circumstances area. And we both have horrible models for relationships. You'd think we were doomed from the start. We've had to do a lot of hard work through a lot of big problems and now we are also parents so more and more keep coming up. But I feel like we're better together than apart and that facing those problems instead of running away from them or ignoring them has been an extremely healthy exercise. I know for me, it has made me feel more whole. For example, similar to you and your boyfriend, things like my husband's need for what he calls a large bubble really clashed with my insecurities and catastrophic thinking- any time he retreated even a tiny bit I would start making plans to move out, thinking it must be over, I knew this would happen... It has required a lot of work on those insecurities on my part and a lot of work on my husband's part becoming more accessible. These are really good things that came through some really difficult times. Relationships are hard. I don't think there's any getting around that, but I believe that you can do it. Anyway, it's been 14 years, 10 married. I think that's a pretty good run.