As I can't post in the general forums yet, I will ask here if that's okay? The first time I ever got help psychologically was for post-natal depression after the birth of my first daughter. I was given a script for 'tryptanol' and ushered out the door. I took the huge dosage and slept for an entire weekend. My partner had to go and buy formula as I wouldn't even wake up to breastfeed my small baby. When I did wake up eventually I threw them in the bin and internalised everything.
The next time I would seek help was about a year after the birth of my then third child. We had moved 6 hours away from our 'home town' and I just assumed my low moods was because I was home-sick and not fitting in living in a capital city. I ended up getting a script for prozac. I took them up until I thought I was 'better' then cessated treatment. We moved again, same story, I was then given aropax, would stop them after I felt better. I did this for quite a few years, starting and stopping medications on my terms. I never once had a visit to a psychiatrist.
Anyway, we moved again a few years ago (yes, we're nomadic :crazy:) and I had a complete 'breakdown/depressive episode' and as I was suicidal and bordering on catatonic I had my first ever hospitalisation to a MHU. After about 6 months working with a PDoc I received a dual diagnosis. BPD and CPTSD. In three years, I have been on 17 psychiatric drugs (with 5 serious side-effects to which I now have them listed as an allergy). I have had over a dozen hospital admissions, OD'ed twice ( both ending up in ICU and HD ward) and re-commenced self-harming to the point I always need sutures and sometimes surgery.
Two years ago, I had only just started doing DBT with my original psychologist, who was brilliant, I became somewhat co-dependant on her. On the days where she wasn't available, I'd walk into the clinic and then out again as I trusted noone else to work with me. DBT didn't work for me, so I was switched to CBT. I did two sessions with her and then she was transferred.
My life turned upside down and I stopped going to clinic appointments, even with my psychiatrist. He (after lengthy discussions with my partner) decided he needed to intervene and because I was refusing treatment he issued me with an ITO and I was then hospitalised. I was assigned a new case manager/psychologist and I clashed with her significantly. It wasn't a case of having a persecution complex, she totally over-stepped boundaries and some of my sessions with her left me so incapacitated physically, one afternoon I had a car accident on the way home. It was a given that I'd also vomit during, before or after a session. I never once experienced this with my former psychologist.
I appreciate 'exposure therapy' or re-counting trauma is meant to elicit a negative reaction in a person, but to the point of vomitting or being so distressed you end up having a car accident? Really? Is that what it's all about? With my old psychologist I had a safe word, I'd only have to say that once and she'd stop. I could take time out and resume our session, if I was up to it.
At the moment I again have another psychologist whom I gel with, she's also done extensive work with sexual abuse survivors and has a lot of experience dealing with adults who have come from supreme dysfunction as a child. Just those two attributes was enough for me to trust her. Now I've met with her a handful of times, but very hurriedly. She has either been uncontactable, in meetings, sick etc and has cancelled almost 10 appointments.
I am also becoming rather agoraphobic again and have told my psychiatrist this over the phone. He is rather abrupt with me and tells me I need to pull myself together and come and see the replacement DCM. At the moment I have been off medication since December, I took myself off the medication on my own accord, but obviously my PDoc knows and has been monitoring me.
I am honest and I know I am struggling (that's an understatement) whilst I am able to care for children adequately and I'm not self-harming anymore, nor am I suicidal at the moment, I just know that I'm a ticking time bomb more or less.
I am a type II diabetic and I have been swinging between over-eating, which sends my BSL's soaring high (which isn't really dangerous short term), or not eating, which is giving me hypo's. I've been hospitalised twice for hypoglycemia this year! I don't abstain from food deliberately, I just cannot eat when I am like this. I can't even drink juice or anything that will raise my BSLs. I can tolerate small sips of water but that's it. I don't take my metformin when I'm not eating, but it doesnt' matter, my BSL's dip irrespective.
In fact I told my PDoc that I feel like I'm a pea standing in front of a Tsnuami wave. I can see the destruction in front of my eyes and I'm just waiting for the wave to engulf me. He wants me on meds ASAP, but I would prefer to stay off them for a myriad of reasons.
Look I'm sure they serve a purpose blah blah blah, but every frigging medication I have ever been on has had significant side effects and I'm sick of the iatrogenic problems that arise as a result of the meds! My old psychologist also told me that regular therapy was as good as taking medication.
Anyway, my partner thinks after three years I should be 'better/normal' etc. The thing he doesn't understand that in those three years, I've never actually had counselling or CBT in completion.
Who is right and wrong here? Him or I? Am I going to be 'FITH' indefinitely? If you dont' know the FITH acronym, that's probably a good thing.
The next time I would seek help was about a year after the birth of my then third child. We had moved 6 hours away from our 'home town' and I just assumed my low moods was because I was home-sick and not fitting in living in a capital city. I ended up getting a script for prozac. I took them up until I thought I was 'better' then cessated treatment. We moved again, same story, I was then given aropax, would stop them after I felt better. I did this for quite a few years, starting and stopping medications on my terms. I never once had a visit to a psychiatrist.
Anyway, we moved again a few years ago (yes, we're nomadic :crazy:) and I had a complete 'breakdown/depressive episode' and as I was suicidal and bordering on catatonic I had my first ever hospitalisation to a MHU. After about 6 months working with a PDoc I received a dual diagnosis. BPD and CPTSD. In three years, I have been on 17 psychiatric drugs (with 5 serious side-effects to which I now have them listed as an allergy). I have had over a dozen hospital admissions, OD'ed twice ( both ending up in ICU and HD ward) and re-commenced self-harming to the point I always need sutures and sometimes surgery.
Two years ago, I had only just started doing DBT with my original psychologist, who was brilliant, I became somewhat co-dependant on her. On the days where she wasn't available, I'd walk into the clinic and then out again as I trusted noone else to work with me. DBT didn't work for me, so I was switched to CBT. I did two sessions with her and then she was transferred.
My life turned upside down and I stopped going to clinic appointments, even with my psychiatrist. He (after lengthy discussions with my partner) decided he needed to intervene and because I was refusing treatment he issued me with an ITO and I was then hospitalised. I was assigned a new case manager/psychologist and I clashed with her significantly. It wasn't a case of having a persecution complex, she totally over-stepped boundaries and some of my sessions with her left me so incapacitated physically, one afternoon I had a car accident on the way home. It was a given that I'd also vomit during, before or after a session. I never once experienced this with my former psychologist.
I appreciate 'exposure therapy' or re-counting trauma is meant to elicit a negative reaction in a person, but to the point of vomitting or being so distressed you end up having a car accident? Really? Is that what it's all about? With my old psychologist I had a safe word, I'd only have to say that once and she'd stop. I could take time out and resume our session, if I was up to it.
At the moment I again have another psychologist whom I gel with, she's also done extensive work with sexual abuse survivors and has a lot of experience dealing with adults who have come from supreme dysfunction as a child. Just those two attributes was enough for me to trust her. Now I've met with her a handful of times, but very hurriedly. She has either been uncontactable, in meetings, sick etc and has cancelled almost 10 appointments.
I am also becoming rather agoraphobic again and have told my psychiatrist this over the phone. He is rather abrupt with me and tells me I need to pull myself together and come and see the replacement DCM. At the moment I have been off medication since December, I took myself off the medication on my own accord, but obviously my PDoc knows and has been monitoring me.
I am honest and I know I am struggling (that's an understatement) whilst I am able to care for children adequately and I'm not self-harming anymore, nor am I suicidal at the moment, I just know that I'm a ticking time bomb more or less.
I am a type II diabetic and I have been swinging between over-eating, which sends my BSL's soaring high (which isn't really dangerous short term), or not eating, which is giving me hypo's. I've been hospitalised twice for hypoglycemia this year! I don't abstain from food deliberately, I just cannot eat when I am like this. I can't even drink juice or anything that will raise my BSLs. I can tolerate small sips of water but that's it. I don't take my metformin when I'm not eating, but it doesnt' matter, my BSL's dip irrespective.
In fact I told my PDoc that I feel like I'm a pea standing in front of a Tsnuami wave. I can see the destruction in front of my eyes and I'm just waiting for the wave to engulf me. He wants me on meds ASAP, but I would prefer to stay off them for a myriad of reasons.
Look I'm sure they serve a purpose blah blah blah, but every frigging medication I have ever been on has had significant side effects and I'm sick of the iatrogenic problems that arise as a result of the meds! My old psychologist also told me that regular therapy was as good as taking medication.
Anyway, my partner thinks after three years I should be 'better/normal' etc. The thing he doesn't understand that in those three years, I've never actually had counselling or CBT in completion.
Who is right and wrong here? Him or I? Am I going to be 'FITH' indefinitely? If you dont' know the FITH acronym, that's probably a good thing.
