Is There A Label For Me Other Than "fool"?

[stillstanding2]

I have PTSD for a number of reasons, so I'm not about to blame any one cause or set of triggers. Nor do I wish to add stigma to anyone else's disorder. However, on top of life long struggles, I have found that several times I have been under the spells of women with severe Borderline Personality Disorder. It is uncanny how many I've been involved with.

I was happily married to a wonderful woman until her death in 1991. But since then, I have repeatedly fallen into codependent relationships with women who have had BPD and other disorders which have caused me long-term anxiety, fear, and even health problems. I am a kind person, very giving and forgiving, pretty much an old-school gentleman, and seemingly a fool for women with severe problems that I persuade myself that I can heroically solve. Invariably, those relationships have soured, sometimes dangerously, have evolved into great drains on my financial resources, and left me feeling like some kind of idiot for yet again not seeing the facts.

It is as if I wear a sign saying "Use Me Up". Is there a respectable label for my kind of vulnerability?

 

[BlueOrange]

seemingly a fool for women with severe problems that I persuade myself that I can heroically solve.

So, this business of heroically solving problems for these women - what's in it for you? Is there an alternative source for this thing that you seem to need?

 

[Ronin]

What @BlueOrange said. It doesn't sound like a healthy motivation for a healthy relationship from the beginnings, maybe starting from another would lead to more productive dating life?

 

[stillstanding2]

I honestly don't know. My therapist has said that I have a tendency to pick "low-hanging fruit." Presumably seductive or overly friendly women, but I've also gone the route of becoming friends with women who are clearly unavailable to begin with. Since the last clearly damaging (11 year) fiasco, I have become all but a recluse, and she still asks my friends and family for reports on whether I'm seeing anyone.

 

[Ronin]

Well, that sounds for bit strange boundaries to be honest. (Read: darned boundary crossing.)

 

[stillstanding2]

I admit it is strange. I first began learning about boundaries while reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells". But I had never had to do that before. My wife was always fair, and our boundaries were understood. I think I began seeing people whom I could see needed help after I failed at saving my wife. I did not want to give up the fight against the injustice of her illness.

However, as I soon learned, some women whom I had known for years suddenly emerged with the whole range of criteria for diagnosing BPD in particular. One woman for whom I had been a mentor and only friend before even meeting my wife, morphed into a jealous monster, trying to ruin my career after 15 years of friendship. As I indicated earlier, I don't want to cause stigma to anyone, but BPD women now frighten me. My therapist has met with several of the women, and has confirmed my suspicions of BPD.

 

[Friday]

seemingly a fool for women with severe problems that I persuade myself that I can heroically solve.

Is there a respectable label for my kind of vulnerability?

KISA - Knight In Shining Armor... Usually only attracted to broken winged birds. Tends towards serial monogamy, as once their partner is no longer in need of rescuing, they tend to lose all interest. Most cannot maintain a relationship on equal footing, but need to remain in the upper hand. Prone towards being controlling, though rarely abusive.


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ETA... There's nothing inherently wrong with being a KISA (or most other types, for that matter). Most types have both their strengths & weaknesses. Where a KISA might be the ideal life partner for someone utterly amazing who simply happens to have chronic neediness in some form (physical, mental, emotional)one of the weaknesses is targeting / getting sprung for; either transiently vulnerable partners whose need for rescue will be of limited duration (hot mess following divorce, abuse, etc., physical disabilities that will heal in time following accidents, poverty whilst in school, etc.); or toxically vulnerable partners, who are creating their own ongoing victimhood & need for rescue. Sounds like you've been doing that last one, just a bit.

 

[Sideways]

I've got BPD traits and 'low hanging fruit'? Sheesh!! I can appreciate that's coming from a place of empathy:)

So much of the time, when there's issues with our relationships, we focus a lot on the other person. I'd echo what I think @BlueOrange was saying - the problem here seems to be starting with numero uno, and what you're (consciously and unconsciously) seeking in a partner..?

 

[stillstanding2]

Most cannot maintain a relationship on equal footing, but need to remain in the upper hand. Prone towards being controlling, though rarely abusive.

This better describes my former girlfriend. Her demands became crushing if attention turned away from her, else she would fly into destructive rages or threaten suicide.

 

[stillstanding2]

the problem here seems to be starting with numero uno, and what you're (consciously and unconsciously) seeking in a partner..?

Yes, I've only been working on genuine self-esteem since isolating. And something I've craved since very young has been approval and respect as "normal." Ploease don't be offended by what I said about fearing BPD women. It is just one of my problems resulting from bad choices.

 

[Atomic]

Can I just throw another idea into the mix? I've been married and divorced twice, done a lot of dating, done a lot of happily-solo time. As the years go by, people in general go through a lot of ups and downs in life, and as a result have baggage and issues to deal with - for a lot of you that has meant suffering and dealing with awful things. If I use myself as an example, 30 years down the track from first getting married, a lot of stuff has happened over that 30 years and life is just harder.

At 20 when I married the first time, I hadn't really gone through anything much. Neither had my then-husband. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as we go along in life, all of us pick up things, have issues, and life becomes complex. I don't know if that makes sense. Like, comparing the ease of one relationship which started when life was simpler and without baggage, is not the same as comparing life 30 years down the track when a lot of stuff has happened. Back at 20, careers were just starting, the world was like a blank slate. 30 years later there's been disappointments, heartbreak, illness, death, ageing parents, issues with children....... It's not comparing apples with apples.

 

[stillstanding2]

toxically vulnerable partners, who are creating their own ongoing victimhood & need for rescue. Sounds like you've been doing that last one, just a bit.

Just a lot. She couldn't hold a job because of bosses who expected her to be on time. She barely made it through culinary school, at my expense. She couldn't handle other people's celebrations without causing a scene (my daughter's wedding). We couldn't take road trips or stay in hotels together without her having an all-black episode, blah, blah, blah... What had started out like a delightful, romantic relationship turned into major entrapment for me. I knew her greatest fear was abandonment, and I did not want her suicide on my conscience.