Is this being a regular nice person or is it dysfunctional?

[PreciousChild]

Yeah, that's what I was wondering if trying to be the "cool aunt" was within the range of normal or if it's some codependent thing. I think I am the cool aunt, but not because I spend money on my nephews and nieces. In this case, that did contribute to my stress because I'm pretty tapped out from xmas shopping. But that's not the usual means of relating. Actually my brother has a lot of money and spoils them. I think his excessive materialism fills a void that our childhoods left behind. But I have spent a fair amount of time with my nephews and nieces. Probably they have played more board games with me than their own parents. I've also lead parades through the house, directed skits and musicals from the time they were in kindergarten through 3rd/4th grade, played chasing games, etc. etc. When they hit pre-teens, they transitioned to confiding in me issues that they were having. I actually read that that would happen in parenting books I've read (that playing with kids leads them to also talk to you when they get older). Even now, they linger after meals with aunt PC to tell me what has been going on in their lives. I'm so gratified to be an additional trusted adult in their lives who show them love, care, and attention. I'm grateful my brother spoils them in his own way (though less so my son, long story).

As for my son, I have made many mistakes, but one mistake I never made was not spending enough time with him. Not work, not a man, not friends, no one has kept me from spending time playing with my son, taking him to activities, supporting his needs, etc. etc. He even wrote in elementary school that one of the things he was thankful for was how much his mommy played with him. Believe me it was work to play Mary Jane to his spider-man and lois lane to his superman when he was a toddler. It was tedious and the last thing I wanted to do at the end of the day, but I'm so glad we did those imaginary games and all the board games, and now ping pong and tennis! Does he resent me for not spending a day during a weekend when his cousins visited? To me, that's pretty laughable. He opted out from participating on the one day and gladly did. He loves his nephews, and was fine with me spending a day with them (remember he did spend that one day with us even if it wasn't really his thing). I'm also grateful that my brother took all three of them to a hockey game during our Thanksgiving visit. My son is developmentally socially awkward, so I was very happy with him interacting with his uncle and cousins without me.

Long story short, I don't have any qualms about the status of my relationship with my son or nephews. But I still have ongoing concerns that my background disposes me to either real actions of doing too much or feeling that I do.By the way, if it sounds like I do too much as an aunt and mom, I'm actually okay with that. I am not afraid of making sacrifices and going out of my way when it comes to the welfare of the kids. I just want it to actually be beneficial, and I want to be sustainable so that whatever is working lasts.

 

[Rachmaninov-lover]

Thanks @Abstract. Those are really good perspectives. I think there were a lot of feelings going on at once and I was putting a bit of pressure on myself. I was the scapegoat in the family, and I had once thought that all of my siblings kids would adopt my siblings' attitude about me. But it turned out very different. My nephews and nieces are very warm towards me and don't scapegoat me like my brother and my sister to some extent still do. Even this Thanksgiving, my brother had an intense evening when dark clouds were forming and he started repeating angry accusations about me that I couldn't quite make sense of. But in a lesser form, the feeling's always there. There might be parts of me that are very worried that my nephews would turn on me. Plus I'm codependent. But also very happy to see my nephews and nieces happy. Good reminder that all those feelings can co-exist.

You sound like an awesome aunt. Just one thing to add to the many helpful things said already - maybe you had an unconscious hope that by having the perfect weekend with your sibling's kids you could somehow undo your scapegoating, and the comedown afterwards was feeling the emptiness of that hope. Don't know, it's pretty speculative, but I want to agree with what others said - it sounds like you did a great thing for your nephews that weekend, regardless of what inner complications there might be.