Is This Dissociation-I've Always Called This A Shut Down

[mum2four]

Ever since I was little I have been triggered in a state where I will sit down and on the ground, cross my legs, put hands in my lap, and head down, and not be able to interact with people. For the part I do not intereact with the world around me no matter the danger it pose's to my safety. I only snap out of it and scream at people to leave me alone when physically touched by people. Even then it's just long enough to scream "go away" if the person does not leave me alone I feel an intense need to run get away. I can only "run" when I feel triggered by touch or the threat of touch. People could scream at me that could kick me they could throw things at me it does not matter I dont move unless physicly touched by a person's hand.

If triggered to "run" I have been known to walk for any where from 10min to 4 hours and almost every time I end up at play ground, once I ended up at my fairly new boy friends place. I was 17y old at the time that was the longest "run" I have had that I can recall. I have a fue images of I how I got there. It was about 6pm when triggered to run out of the back door of the house I was living in and jump the back fence it was about 9:30pm when I arrived at his house. I dont remember how I crossed roads safety. I really only remember one memory fairy vividly and that's being at a set of shop's half way between where I started and where I ended up. It was a long walk, I walk threw at 6 suberb's, I had to have crossed several main road's plenty more little road's. It to have been a decent 5 to 10km walk.

I have been triggered other times and had these same problem's several times. Some of the time even in prety scarey "EVENT" for me any way. While what I have been threw is far less the other people with same event's I have shut down so bad that I cant keep my self safe. I'm known for keeping other safe and not my self. I put my self between the good people and the bad person/'s. The bigger problem again for me is that if would not matter if it was the police that were threatening to me. If for some reason they felt the need to arrest me speically for faulse claim's by a person, been accused twice now of tresspassing, one just a fue a week's ago. I was not tresspassing either time's, I wont go in to detail for the sake of other's. The encounter with the police both time scared the heck out me and feel very lucky to have not been triggered yet in front of them. I had my partner the first time and my sedative and a community center full of people the second time. They wanted me to go home to talk but I knew if I did that they would trigger me, plus I had my sedative's(thank goodness).

How do deal with this and does anyone else have the same intense reaction. This is my biggest fear of interacting with people face to face. Speically in a closed invironment that I cant excape from easy. I'm trying to give in to the fear but but IF triggered people just dont know how to handle me and dont understand to leave me alone and I will calm down on my own as long as I'm not touched. I have kinda wished for my phycologist to some how trigger me to that extent so at least he knows what I mean when I get triggered. The problem I'm also OCD and feel that I need to protect from ME. Which is why I "run" if touched, or dont go home even for police, or go any where unless I certain I have the strenght to cope, these day that often mean my sedative's, I take a 1/4 when ever feel the first wave of that process happening, but I feel that unless I'm in a controled invironment when triggered I'll never stop doing it. I have never come close to hurting people just my self.

Please help.

 

[Iam]

Dear Mum2four. Yes this sounds like dissociation to me, though I am not a mental health professional. I have this happen when severely triggered too. People I trust can touch me. I may walk for hours or just sit and curl into myself, with my arms covering my ears and head. I have no concept of time and if I do open my eyes everything seems like a dream, not real. The funny thing is, when this happens sometimes I can't hear the people talking around me, sometimes I can. The voices seem far away, like they are whispering and don't think I can hear them, but there voices are clear as day to me, but like in a dream. It is so scary to be like that and not be able to snap out of it.

I have too want my T to see me in a dissociative state so that he will understand. I have dissociated in his office once, but I don't think he realized because my friend was there and they were talking. My eyes were open and I was looking at him. I know he was explaining something, but I couldn't understand a word he said.

I am not sure what help you are looking for in response to your post. Just want you to know that I do experience the same thing.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Mum2four,

I could be entirely wrong, but I don't know if you would call that disassociation, per se, if it's anything like (what) I have very rarely experienced. In my case, I find almost the same- as in sitting, and I feel/ am totally shut-down, really can't speak or that, if I wanted to, but fortunately no one has been around, I don't imagine I could "say" anything.
Anyway, that's only happened a very very few times in my life, and is almost like intense grief/ shock/ shutting-down, is the only way I can describe it.

As far as I know, disassociation is just that, by definition: you sort of partly "leave", despite yourself. Really I'm not the authority to speak on that part.

As far as walking goes, OMG on a bad day I can go for mile-and-miles, it's almost like my body has to do it, no matter how I feel or how tired I am. However, it does help. I think it helps me clarify my thoughts and even more so manage emotions-to figure them out or deal with negative ones/ fear/ self-destructive ones.

I hope you find good techniques to manage your triggers, go slow it's really possible.
-Best wishes.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Mum2four, I WOULD call this dissociation. If you are doing stuff without memories, or only partial memories, or you are 'losing time' then I would think that it is a perfect description..

My reactions do not seem as bad as yours, but I have 'tripped out' as I choose to call it in the presence of my T. He was very aware of what was happening, very supportive and helped to 'bring me back'. It is very frightening, and I know what you mean about crossing roads and stuff. Please take care. You should discuss this further with your T. and I would hope as your therapy progresses it should happen less frequently.

Best Wishes,
Lucy x

 

[Kiskit]

Hi Mum2four,
some of what you describe does seem like what I've experienced & what I'd say were dissociative states.
I "shut down" (everything seems slo-mo, distant, trance-like & I get a sensation of either getting abused or about to get abused. If I try to talk either nothing comes out or a little later I am cussing & yelling at the person to "get the f*ck away from me!"

I didn't realize this also happened where I froze up if a person just simply gets in my personal space until once a therapist dropped a paper that landed by my feet. When he reached to get it he saw my expression go blank & that I "wasn't present" I remember bracing & feeling about to be beaten. Once he backed off I remember just trembling like I narrowly escaped but wasn't safe yet.

I can't handle when someone even comes up trying to be nice & touches my shoulder unnanounced especially from behind. They could be well-meaning but I always tense & have even moaned or cried in pain. Always an awkward encounter.

You mentioned the fear in dealing with police. I had 2 incidents where I had flashbacks in presence of authorities, where they grabbed me from behind very soon after the long-term abuse finally ended.

First was right after the abuse for the last time incident & I was at hospital Emergency Dept for these injuries. The police wanted to interview me but they took forever to get there. I had a concussion & fell asleep on the cot. Suddenly someone grabbed my shoulder. In blind fear I tried to escape my "abuser" so I tried to run & was flail-punching in direction of where I was grabbed. Next thing I aware of is 3 cops & a security guy frog-marching me out into the parking lot. Apparently I punched a police officer who grabbed me while I was sleeping. They knew I was an abuse victim & still grabbed me without talking first. So out in parking lot one cop had me pinned between my shoulder blades while another was kicking me on my back, ribs, butt, legs. Another was handcuffing me. All were cussing me out. I thought I was going to die then & there. They were making fun if me, making threats. Total unprofessionalism.

The other incident was when I was at psych hospital in Alaska. After intake interview I was walking down hallway & someone grabbed my elbow that I'd had surgery on a yr earlier (originally injured by my abuser). I went into a flashback & trying to escape my "abuser" so I elbowed back at the person who grabbed me & tried to run. Then I was gang-tackled by a pack of techs. The tech who grabbed me was the one who helped with my intake interview & knew my abuse, PTSD history.

They shoved my face into this old urine smelling mat. That was in a solitary room. They left me there more than 12 hrs with no meds including my asthma meds. I couldn't breathe. I literally passed out from this astma attack. When I woke it took several minutes to cough up all this gunk so I could breathe.

Anyway, I can relate to your experiences. I do know that as time passes as u begin to heal it seems the worst flashbacks & dissociations can decrease if you get help from competent therapists and/or docs. I wish you well as you try to make sense of this illness. I have had it for decades & I still try to make sense of all this.