Is This Pstd And Dissociative Amnesia?

[Debbie87]

Hi Guys,
I have had issues with my memory pretty much all my life, I can't remember virtually anything from before I was 10 yrs old and at best the images I have are vague. Even now my memory is not good. I lack concentration, I get tired very easily. I can't retain information very well at all.
I always questioned why but not to the extent I have until recently. Someone I know told me that they experienced csa and straight away I felt different, it's hard to explain but reading that message I was able to relate, does that make sense? Since then it's like something was triggered in me. I have asked myself if I was abused as a child. I looked up the symptoms adults experience from childhood trauma and it seems I am a candidate. I suffer with ibs, migraines, heart palpitations (I have a murmur) and also what appears to be fibromyalgia. I seem to be very anxious now, particularly at night...the slightest sound can make me hop. I've become very nervous...
I know I was interested in sex very early on and not sure how I knew about these things.
One of the few things I remember is that I tried to hurt myself with a scissors on my wrists when I was quite young. I quizzed my Father about my childhood and he told me that I was violent at least twice towards others, he said I tried to hurt myself hitting my head off the window but would not tell me why I behaved that way and told me I should forget about the past. I always had low self esteem but I put it down to the usual, not liking the way I look.
I am currently on a waiting list to see a therapist so that may help but in the meantime I feel like I'm totally on my own with this. I feel I can't talk to my friends about this as I really don't think they would understand and I have trust issues. I either trust too much or not at all. I don't know if I reading too much into this but I feel deep down something is not right, I guess I always felt that way but with no memories I wonder.

Sorry for the long thread...

Any thought on this would be appreciated.

 

[ladee]

Welcome. I relate to many things you shared.
Always feeling something wasn't right. Knowing entirely too much about sex at age 4. No memories to go with feelings. "Waking up" in the middle of an activity or conversation.
None of is a can diagnos of course...so wait until you are with your new Therapist and go from there.
You will know you have a place to come to, if in fact this is the case.
You will be understood here and supported.
Feel free to look around the forum. There is a lot of information
Glad you are here.

 

[Debbie87]

Welcome. I relate to many things you shared.
Always feeling something wasn't right. Knowing entirely too...

Many Thanks for your reply, I'm just questioning what I feel. Looking for some kind of validation.

 

[Sea_lady]

Hi Guys,
I have had issues with my memory pretty much all my life, I can't remember virtually anythi...

Hi @Melodycool, and welcome to the forum. =)

Experiencing traumas can definitely impact on your memory. Some people who have been abused in their childhood can suffer from dissociative disorders, which can include a partial amnesia. In order to protect yourself, your mind kind of build up a wall inside, and separate traumatic events from the rest for a time. It's like when you put something in a box, close it and put it away. Then when your organism starts to feel ready, or/and when it was triggered by an external factor, then... Memories come back to the surface. Processes of memory recollecion can take many forms: it can be a brutal relevation, a rush of memories with all the feelings associated that have been repressed, or memories come back slowly, bit by bit. It depens...

I suffered from partial amnesia, and dissociations. I kind of relate to what you wrote... My full memories -and the pain associated with it, the realization of the horror that was unfairly inflicted to me, etc... - only came back to me in my 20s. It took me about 6 years to remember everything, put the right words on what I've experience, accept that unlike what I was repeated for years, it was wrong to hurt me the way I was abused. It was not normal, and it was not love.

I had that feeling too - that something's not right... like you said - but couldn't put words on it, couldn't clearly understand what, how and why. I just had this series of nightmares that confirmed me that what was done to me was not right, despite what I was told.

It is hard to reconstruct all your vision of your past, and yourself if you don't have all your memories, and if you've been confined in a lie since childhood by controlling abusers. I don't know your story, but many abusers lie to their child victims because they don't want to get arrested, so they twist everything.

Thus, when trauma occured, it's sometimes too much pain to handle for kids, so they dissociate. It's not uncommon. Many kids who have been abused have also been brainwashed (e.g. the adult attacker lied and made them believe a child having sex with them is love, good, right, etc). It can takes a long, very long time for a survivor to realize they were deceived. Everything has to be re-constructed: the past, and as a consequence, the present identity.

 

[Deleted member 541]

The mind is a funny thing. I have snippets of memories, just split second images, but no real memory to put them to. I am a survivor of CSA, abuse and I was gang raped at age 15 or 16, can't remember the age. The flashbacks, snippets used to drive me crazy, because I wanted/needed to know, what, why, how and when.

I had a very patient therapist and a very smart Psychiatrist at the time. They both convinced me that not knowing was probably a better route to go, than trying to remember.

Our minds shield us from things that we are better off not knowing. That's just my opinion.... I hope that when you find a therapist, you move cautiously in trying to uncover things.....

 

[Debbie87]

I really appreciate the time you took to reply sea_lady, she cat and ladee. I am ready for whatever is in my past to reveal itself, no matter how painful. I think I would rather know and deal with it than the way I feel now. Since I have nothing to grab onto it's difficult to know where to start though.

 

[Sea_lady]

I really appreciate the time you took to reply sea_lady, she cat and ladee. I am ready for whatever...

If you feel the need to speak to someone, you're very welcome on the forum. There are great people here.
Good luck in your journey, and take care.