Is This What Getting Better Feels Like?

[open eyes]

Since I got out of the hospital in January, everyone close to me including my therapist & psychiatrist all think I'm doing much better...

Except I don't know if I'm getting better. Sometimes I'm really happy but when I'm not in the moment, I feel like I'm just delaying a relapse. I can't shake the feeling that I'll be back at square one, locked down in a psych hospital again some time in the future. I know deep down it'll happen, & the waiting is killing me.

I guess some part of me doesn't want to let go yet.

Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[arfie]

It would be loverly if there was a physical test that could give us a simple yes or no. I would even settle for a reliable crystal ball. Alas...

Current realities in my own case go with a feeling expressed in another support group that it is like lifelong epilepsy. It can be stabilized but the danger of seizures will be with you for life.

Sigh...

But mine is complex from childhood. Gentle support while you sort yours. Each of us have a unique healing path.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

I worry the same way. Sometimes, I even wonder if all of my life isn't real, and I am actually just stuck in a dream and I am actually in that old psych ward right now! Sometimes my nightmares are as real as waking life, and I half expect to wake up from a dream when I am already awake. This only happens on really bad days.

My therapist told me that PTSD stays with you, and you just keep working until the past becomes part of the landscape of your life. Even when clients are doing better, sometimes they come back to see her for a tune-up, when something in their lives stirs things up again. If you are doing better at least some of the time, that is good. You can't be feeling great 100% of the time. Even non-PTSD people probably have days where they feel about to fall to pieces, or they are losing their minds.

It is reasonable to have a fear of landing back in a psych ward. It is good that you prefer not to let that happen, and you remember where you came from. Keep taking care of yourself to prevent that from happening. You got through it the first time, right? Maybe try to tell yourself that you can get through it again, when you worry that the worst might happen. That works pretty well for me, when the obvious technique of "try really hard not to think about it" fails.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Self sabotage? If those who live with you and see you day in and day out really say that they see an improvement, I would make an effort to trust that their observations are correct. I'd put less stock into what a therapist or psychiatrist says as you see them less often, but at the same time, they can often give valuable feedback.

I know all too well what it feels like to be waiting for the next free-fall, not knowing when (not if, but when) it is going to happen. But, over time, you learn to believe (I mean TRULY believe) that you are getting better. It can take awhile for the feeling of improvement to set in. I think that for me it really took a few years. You're only a few months out from your hospital stay, so I'd say that your feelings are not out of the norm.

 

[shimmerz]

I found that as my symptomology eased, others always noticed it first. I had a hard time taking what they said in. My t-doc discussed with me that the healing processes was going to be up and then back down just to rise up farther again just to go back down (but less so) again. I can see that is how it is working with me.

I also noticed that things that used to happen chronically - when they started happening sporadically, I seemed to get much more frustrated (for instance things that used to take me out every day drove me crazy when they only started every 2 weeks.

I agree with Solara and trust those around you and what they are saying - try to take it in and give yourself credit. Every minute we are happy is a victory!

 

[Fated Shadow]

I spent a large amount of my time dealing with my PTSD on my own. It does work to a point actually. My doctor helped me come off my meds slowly even if it was against his judgement. I even eventually saw a lot less of him. I see him for emergencies at most now, only drastic ones.

I spent a lot of time trying to find myself and trying to find ways of coping without having meds that forced me happy or forced me calm. I spent most of my life as a martial artist from training to being an instructor so I wanted control of my body and mind without having to be on constant meds the rest of my life because to me it didn't feel right at all. Believe it or not it actually did work.

We each are different when it comes to the healing process. Until recently it was as if my PTSD was gone for the most part although even with that I still felt as if it was there just waiting to return and create chaos in my life but it was in the back of my mind not the most up front thoughts.

Yeah I recently had a relapse and hence why I recently joined this and started seeing my doctor again here and there but for the most part I say I did real well. Managed two years without meds and still going without because I know I can find a way again.

First point is we all relapse once in a while to various stages even if it is only a small way back. It will happen from time to time but worrying doesn't help, face it when it comes because there is no way to stop it completely.

As long as you know when you do need help and get that help when the time does come then there is no worry, as it stands now you are just adding an unneeded stress by thinking about it all the time.

The other point is that you survived what ever caused your original trauma or traumas and then you survived the psych ward which a lot of times is an accomplishment in itself (trust me I know) so just remember you are strong and can survive this and come out standing on your feet even if you need a little help here and there from family, friends, doctors, and the great people here who you share some things in common with in various ways.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I find when I am having a good day or week, I am on edge about it the whole time. I think it is two things for me, maybe you can relate. One is hyper vigilance and two is I am use to a roller coaster of a life having dealt with a borderline personality disordered mom. I never knew/know from one second to the next what was/is going to happen when I am around her. I also don't really like to let people know I am having a good day or week. I think it is because at my old church and even a couple of people at my new church expect that when I have a good day for it to last and continue to get better when in reality I know it won't, not yet anyways.