Is This What Normal Feels Like?

[shimmerz]

@Nam, enjoy it! Whatever it is, it sounds like a new depth that is full of possibilities. I will absolutely feel confident at extending my congratulations to you!

 

[Nam]

@TonyG Thank you for your insight. I'm getting to where you are..I think. I do laugh but there's this emptiness and sadness still. I know I'm not as depressed as I have been in the past. It's not even close.

The feeling was of pride. Maybe I was crying because I hadn't felt it to this degree before. More like bittersweet. Like maybe I should have been feeling this all along. That's what got me thinking that maybe this is what normal people feel like. I'm realizing now that normal people don't have the kind of breakthroughs we do. So this prideful feeling wouldn't be as intense or as overwhelming. Whatever it was, I'm glad it's calmed down a bit. I had trouble sleeping. I was a jittery mess afterward. I can't tell if that was why I cried or if it's the crying that led to it.

I'll keep writing and keep evaluating what this is. It's different....

 

[TonyG]

Oh I'm a long way from my normal it's only a memory now, I still have anxiety nearly every day, the meds have flat lined my emotions, Today I laughed and it changed my whole day, A guy I work with was on his way to work and a Cockatoo flew in his window and was between his head and the head rest, he said he was screeming like a like a little girl and the Cocky was screeming as well until he chucked it out the window, his car is full of feathers, I am still giggling about it.

 

[stuckinmyhead]

I've always been like this so it's actually interesting to me that you posted this. I've always felt like I'm emotionally unstable due to my PTSD. I cry at EVERYTHING lol, but at the same time I feel that I get to feel things in a way that other people may never experience because it's so profound and deeply felt. It sounds like you've turned a corner though and hopefully it all balances out.

 

[Nam]

Well, it was just stupid emotions. What a nutcase I can be. Once I made the connection (with the help of journaling) that I couldn't be happy without being sad, that this might be a case of emotional neglect. My mother was a pro at making sure I wasn't spoiled. She would downplay accomplishments by mentioning someone else that had accomplished more. Or if I said I was struggling that there are people that are worse off. She would invalidate my feelings.

I talked with hubs about it and somehow the conversation got all turned around that I do the same thing to him. I pushed for an example because I've been trying so hard to be attentive and to make sure no ones individuality was hindered. He couldn't think of one and that it has been a while. He said he remembered the feelings but don't remember when and what it was about. "You should know what that is like." The flood opened. That broke me. I was all for standing up for myself and that was all it took.

The thoughts of I must not be doing it right or enough or something. I realized that I was trying to do the impossible: taking care of my family exactly not the way I was taught. I know what not to do.

Then, suddenly, I didn't know how to feel. I could feel the shut down coming. I couldn't decide if standing up for myself was the correct thing to do or if that was out of line. But then I would swing in the other diection of self criticizing myself into oblivion. The fact I didn't know what was acceptable in this situation made me panic. Maybe I really don't know what I'm doing. All the while crying while hubs sulked that he ruined my morning.

So, no. That little glimmer of happiness followed by sadness is not normal. I think most people just feel one or the other. Back to the grind.

@TonyG Even through my tears of frustration, you brought a smile to my face with your story. Pretty damn funny.